I have to be honest with you. I had no idea what a ‘flotilla’ was, but I have a thing for collective nouns, so I thought it would be fun to look it up. I can’t really blame isolation on that being a highlight of the day, I would have found entertainment in learning that previously. Which doesn’t say a lot for me on the entertaining scales, does it really?!

When I sat downstairs on the early shift this morning I picked up my crochet to do a few more rows. I have this nifty little row counter which helps me keep track of where I am on the pattern. Well it would, if it wasn’t such an appealing toy for my offspring. Perhaps they are wannabe nightclub bouncers, clicking people entering the building. But for whatever reason they love it. And today they left me clueless as to whether I was on row 15 or 23. Because it certainly wasn’t row 1113.

I was on a bit of a mission this morning, because two parts of a set of toys had gone missing since yesterday, and that kind of thing really bothers me. So I was combing the garden, hunting the house, and quizzing the kids on the possible location of the pieces. Theo has an amazing ability to know just when to wind someone up. So he started by telling me ‘oh I know! I put them in the tree!’ And smirked as I went out hunting through the leaves. Following that he named several other places he ‘may’ have hidden them. And then walked around singing a little ditty that I genuinely have no idea where it came from: ‘you break it, you buy it! You break it, you buy it!’ He moves me from laughter to tears of frustration and back again a thousand times a day.

We tuned in to church this morning, our band opting for a more muted vocal accompaniment today.

For the first time, Little Fox also sang along. The congregation was increased greatly in number by the teddies that joined us as we talked about things we worry about, and how Jesus spoke to calm the storm.

Everyone got involved with the craft activity of making boats like the one in the story. Although I’m not sure the fishing boats in historical Israel were called ‘Coca Cola’. Maddie insisted on including the disciples and a bed for Jesus to sleep in.

And then they went out onto the stormy lake. Thankfully the boats did not sink, and they provided entertainment for most of the day.

Having been in and out of the pool several times, it got to later in the afternoon and Theo came to talk to me in the kitchen. He spotted the hatch in the utility room ceiling, which opens to a space in the garage roof. This was absolutely fascinating, and he quizzed me for about 15 minutes on it. What was up there, are there spiders, is it dusty, we’d need a ladder to climb up there, could we clean the dirt out…on and on until I was giving up the will to answer. He then disappeared and returned a few minutes later with Maddie and Micah. They had packed backpacks including drinks and teddies, found torches, got their ‘communicators’ (megaphones), and were ready to go on an adventure exploring the loft hatch. There was much anger when I said I was afraid that wouldn’t be possible. I tried to appease them with exploring the eaves cupboard in Megan and Maisie’s attic room, but was met with sulking, tears, and disappointment. Meanest Mum Ever.

I thought the family zoom call might brighten the mood, and it did for a while, until Theo realised that Auntie Mim wasn’t on there as she was napping before a night shift. He declared he was just going to stay and chat to everyone until she woke up, but sadly the call had to end, and his grief was real. It’s no winder the kids have big emotions, a desire to control, and lots of worries. This world we’re living in is so alien and the months of missing people are long – especially when you’re only small. Thankfully the roast dinner brightened him up a bit.

Liam’s still coughing a lot at night, but he saw Megan’s enthusiasm to get the sofa up to their bedroom and spent some time doing a repair on it before taking it up to them. I’m hoping the new found order in the room will last. At least until tomorrow.

We settled the small children and were given permission by the older kids to go for a sneaky river walk this evening. It feels like moving into a new age and stage with the girls, and it’s fun and exciting and scary and lovely all at the same time. It was definitely a blessing to get a 10 minute quiet walk in before it got dark.

The kids Sunday school story this morning was one of my favourites, which I’ve quoted here before. The story of ‘The Captain of the Storm’. The storm whips up and the disciples are afraid and they cry to the sleeping Jesus to help. And He stands, and tells the wind and waves to hush. Because He made them, and He has the authority over them. And He asks the disciples, ‘were you scared? Did you forget who I Am? Did you believe your fears instead of me?’

As we walked along the river in the quiet this evening, I thought of many different times where I’ve walked that same path over the years. In different life storms, in grief, in hurt, in fear. I found myself wondering what the next few weeks and months will hold. Seeing Theo’s sadness at missing family hurts my heart. When Toby went to bed he was upset, worrying about Coronavirus and who might get ill-or even die. And I understand that fear. But as I walked tonight I remembered all the storms we’ve been through before, and the Captain of those Storms. The One who is right here, alongside us. He speaks, and the storm is stilled. The loss remains, but the internal storm can be quieted in His presence and at His word.

And as Paul finishes his letter to the Thessalonians, this is my prayer for all my family and friends tonight.

‘Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all’. – 2 Thessalonians 3:16

Early this morning Theo left his spot on the sofa buried with teddies to make me a coffee in his machine. I must have looked bad if a four year old sensed the caffeine needs. Liam was coughing a lot last night so he went downstairs, but he was replaced by both Theo and Micah. So really there wasn’t a lot of sleep for either parent!

We felt like we’d earned our mid-morning brownie and coffee, but as per normal, within seconds of us sitting in the corner of the kitchen, Micah sniffed us out… ‘I’m hungry’. So I gave him a biscuit. ‘Can I have two?’ I just wanted my coffee, so I said yes. Crack on, have two. I sat back down. ‘I need a chair!’ So I went and got him his own chair. Sat back down. ‘Mum, where’s my drink?!’

Finally, the boy was satisfied to let us down the coffee.

Toby got in touch with my dad yesterday to ask if they could compare what birds were visiting the garden. My dad asked him what days they were going to do it. To which Toby (who spends a large proportion of his time on minecraft) said, ‘oh I think over the weekend, when I’ve got some spare time.’ Oh how I laughed.

So this morning we reminded Toby of the birdwatching challenge. You can imagine how enthusiastic he was. Micah offered to help though. They saw one pigeon and one house sparrow before they wandered off. Sorry Dad.

Meanwhile Megan and Maisie showed they mean business with their bedroom planning. They asked if they could have the little sofa that’s been in our summerhouse, and when I said yes they set to work cleaning it up. I have never seen them so enthusiastic about a project. Especially one involving cleaning. But it made me grateful for this time at home. Days where we’re learning more about each other. Where we have the time and space to say yes to things.

I felt quite optimistic taking the kids for a walk after lunch. But it turned out to be the most shambolic one yet. Very early on Micah decided he didn’t want to walk. Theo objected loudly to the route we’d chosen. We went to the little beach area and at the other end were a family with a dog who seemed very keen to hang out with my kids. Much to their dismay. The serious insult was when the dog ran over, grabbed Maddie’s teddy and ran off with it. Cue loud crying from her, me being rather cross with the dog owner, and finally managing to get a rather dirty toy back.

At this point I told the kids it was time to go, and the boys asked to throw one more stone in the river. Unfortunately Micah somehow managed to throw his stone at Theo instead of in the river. Cue more crying, and Micah and Theo both wanting a carry back home.

Thankfully Toby was keen to help today! And we were all cheered up by the very impressive giraffe with the rainbow on the way home. I feel slightly intimidated by the increasingly high standard of artistic ability that is going into the rainbows around here. It’s a good job no one really sees our windows with one pitiful little rainbow effort. I hope the postman isn’t judging.

I do have a fondness for rainbow themed toys though so maybe that counts. Micah very much enjoyed playing with these today. It was endearing watching him pick little figures to be our family.

Slightly more concerning was the fact that he insisted on cooking each of us on the hob before adding us to the line up. I’m trying not to read too much into it. But I might not let him back in my bed tonight.

The tricky thing with writing about my isolation experience is that I try to keep it to just that. It’s not for me to share details about other family or friends, and I try to be respectful of Liam and the children with what I share about our lives too. So some things do go unsaid. And this morning I was sad for someone else’s situation in all of this, and the impact it’s having on them. Sometimes it’s just hard and rubbish and there are no words except – you’re not alone. We’re with you in this. I might be tucked up in my home and you in yours, but don’t let the distance make you think you’re unseen.

Over the last few weeks I keep thinking of some verses in the book of Joel, talking about God’s promise of redemption for His people. They were exiled, alone, facing destruction. And He made a promise to them.

23 “Be glad, O children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given the early rain for your vindication; he has poured down for you abundant rain, the early and the latter rain, as before.
24 “The threshing floors shall be full of grain; the vats shall overflow with wine and oil.
25 I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer and the cutter. – Joel 2:23-25

That last verse has encouraged me in different situations, both this year and in the past. Even in the darkest of times, where it feels hopeless, redemption can come. Sometimes I feel like these months are being wasted, all the hopes and dreams I had for this year crossed off the calendar one by one. But they don’t have to be wasted. God can and will restore the ‘years that the locusts have eaten’, or in our case, the empty months and the pain and the loss that Covid 19 has brought. Keep looking for the rainbows – there is always hope for the future. This is not the end of the story.

I was so happy when my hoarding older daughter announced she is going to have a bedroom reorganisation, and included in her written plans was sorting out the soft toys! Hooray! After all this time!

Nope. The quiet spell I enjoyed yesterday whilst the younger children disappeared to be entertained by their older siblings? That wasn’t entertainment, it was a cunning ploy to donate all of their toys to the little ones. Every one of them. There are now thousands of soft toys roaming the house and garden from dawn until dusk. At a very unearthly hour this morning I found myself carrying basket after basket of said toys downstairs to watch early morning telly. Are pest control working these days? I promise I’ll stay 2 meters away as I hand hordes of teddies over.

Liam had a rough night last night but he has been up and about today, for which I’m very grateful. We tackled schooling this morning, aided by coffee. Maddie picked me to play her maths board game. Which unfortunately I won by a long way (even though I tried really hard not to, and even though she cheated shamelessly), which resulted in a sulk.

Meanwhile we thought we’d try patterns again with Theo, bravely involving paint in a desperate last ditch attempt to make them exciting. And lo and behold, he did it! Red/green/red/green. We praised him, celebrated…

And watched the way he engaged the age old trick of happily painting the entire page brown. I know I know. In a child’s brain the pattern is still underneath. But I felt it visually represented his feelings on the whole learning thing.

So we left the learning there and went back to learning through play outside. Accompanied by several hundred teddies.

Whilst I was hanging yet more washing out, Megan appeared with her phone. ‘Daddy, it’s Nanny on the phone for you’. Yesterday my mum rang her to get hold of me. Megan is starting to voice complaints about becoming her parents carer.

Later she reappeared with her phone laughing hysterically at a meme she’d found. “Write your name in reverse to find your demon name….Girls called Hannah: ‘am I actually a monster?’” Why that tickled her so much I can’t imagine.

We sat down to grab a cup of tea in the kitchen when Micah shut the door leaving him and Theo outside. It was a beautiful moment. But they reappeared at the window rather dramatically and I felt obliged to let them back in.

Moving on from the soft toys, Jaws entered the pool today. Just to liven things up a bit. The pool was worthy of the stress of yesterday, it provided a lot of fun today.

Later this afternoon Maddie and Theo’s lovely primary school produced a video of all the teachers and staff sending messages to the children. I’m glad I watched it without the kids first, because I was an emotional wreck. And their faces when they watched the people they love waving and saying how much they miss them were an absolute picture. The visible relief that these special people are still there, still caring about them, speaks volumes.

I ordered Charlie Macksey’s beautiful book which arrived today, there are so many poignant pages in it. And this one spoke right to me as I struggled to choose between the simnel cake or a Beth’s Bakes brownie. Focusing on cake was about at my level at the end of this week.

But I loved ones like this too. The reminder that sometimes, especially after tiring weeks and sleep deprived nights and early mornings it takes strength to get up and do it all again. But God promises to be that strength, especially in my weakest and weariest moments.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

And from the old hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness, I love that line, ‘strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.’ That’s all I need.

‘Great is Thy faithfulness
O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been
Thou forever will be

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me

Pardon for sin
And a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer
And to guide
Strength for today
and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord every morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hands hath
provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me.’

Liam was still poorly this morning so we were an adult down. Which is never a good ratio. However, we started well. For about the first 15 minutes of Joe Wicks.

And then Micah joined us.

And things went rapidly downhill. Suddenly my gym buddies had turned into gym equipment and Micah was practicing his long jump using them. Joe Wicks promises we can come out of lockdown stronger and fitter than before. He does mean that’s possible when you only complete 2 minutes of a 30 minute workout every day, yes?

Don’t be fooled by these lovely photos. The morning did not go smoothly. He wasn’t keen on patterns. He likes to go off trend. Why should it go pink/blue/pink/blue when you could randomly throw in yellow/red just because you want to? I thought building the Very Hungry Caterpillar’s fruit from Lego would be fun. He thought it was more fun to break it up and build a really big tower. But Maddie enjoyed the fruit building more than her maths game, so at least someone was entertained? Toby seemed inspired to do a mocktail making maths activity. This involved pouring Fanta, coke, apple juice and squash in a glass and drinking it. He claims it was to learn proportions. In that case my Disoronno and coke is purely to keep my mathematical brain alive and well.

I wasn’t in a happy place this morning. Even Alexa wouldn’t listen to me any more. But threatening her with no pudding has about as much impact as it does on my offspring. The kids wouldn’t play ball. My husband’s poorly. I couldn’t even listen to the music I wanted. Theo had a meltdown because Maddie moved the tuff tray across the garden. Then she stood and screamed because he sat in the spot she wanted to sit in.

And I thought about having a pity party and crying about how rubbish it all is, and then in that moment when I was hanging out the washing my friend rang me. Because she’d thought about me before her coffee, which is seriously significant. And I felt seen. By her and by the other lovely people who messaged today, and by my mother in law who sent a food parcel with treats in. But mostly by God.

Because even if no one knew what was going on here and what kind of day I was having, He knew. And He put me on someone else’s mind. And even if no one had rung, and there were no food parcels, He is here, in the ugly moments, as well as the good.

The other day I read someone on an online forum say that being isolation had made them realise that they had no real friends. When they thought about who they could ring they couldn’t think of anyone. And I felt really really sad when I read it, that there is anyone who feels like that. I felt loved today, and it reminded me to stop making this about me, and to keep looking outwards at who I can love.

And these ones of mine need a lot of love. So after lunch we chilled. We snuggled and watched a film.

And then we made Oobleck which is super weird and really fun for sensory loving people and makes a lot of mess for something that only provided about 15 minutes entertainment.

So then I pulled out all the stops and went for the paddling pool. And it was brilliant and also caused mayhem. In the form of two children who like splashing and one who hates it. And one small child who kept ignoring my ‘don’t run on the kitchen floor!’ instruction and fell and banged his head. But overall they had the pool and ice creams and even though it wasn’t great all the time and people still made faces at my dinner, and Liam still isn’t well, I have so much to be thankful for.

I don’t want to lose perspective in these days. It’s a challenge for everyone, and for some it’s far far harder than in my little corner. It can be easy to get distracted by the frustrations in my days, but there’s a purpose in what we’re doing, and ultimately I really have nothing to complain about. I have a home where I am safe with people I love, I have kind family and friends. I have more than I need. And I am not ever alone. Because of the giver of all good things. Who is constant and faithful and is there in the storms, and makes rainbow reminders that He will never break a promise.

‘Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change’. – James 1:17

Apparently it’s Wednesday, but I struggle to keep track of the days of the week as well as what number day we’re on now. We didn’t manage Joe W today, I had to do a food shop, which I try and do earlyish to arrive at the optimum point of lack of queue but still having the possibility of there being flour on the shelf. I struck gold today-bags and bags of flour! Including a factory size sack! Which I didn’t buy because it was £9 and even I don’t need that much flour. But I did feel awkward when the cashier starting talking about why on earth people would buy the big bags of pasta or the tray of 30 eggs. I am one of those people. I didn’t tell her though. Sometimes the whole ‘there’s eight of us’ conversation is just too much to be overwhelming people with on a Wednesday morning.

Anyway, we didn’t manage Joe but the smaller family members wanted to do Andy’s Wild Workouts. Well, you may notice that the smallest member had a lying down protest about not joining in. But the others were keen.

When we knew we wouldn’t be going on holiday for Easter, I bought a couple of new things to stash away for a day when we needed something new to break the monotony. So having had two tricky days this week, I brought out the Frozen Lego. Which kept the younger ones pretty happy for most of the day. Toby is a whizz on building Lego, so he was keen to ‘help’ Maddie and Theo, and it gave them something new to play with for the day. And then destroy. And then have Toby tell them off for destroying it before happily rebuilding. It seems like a lovely circle of entertainment.

Absolutely the high spot of the days is when you have a nice delivery on the doorstep. I’m very keen to support small businesses. Especially when they make the best brownies I’ve ever tasted. I’m not sharing these with the kids, although I split one with Liam and the Micah plopped himself between us. He lay his head on Liam’s arm and looked longing up at him. ‘I’m hungry’, he said sadly. And was fed a mini egg. Then he moved across the sofa, lay his head on my arm, and looked up at me. ‘I’m hungry?’

Ha.

I did share. Because he has those eyes. But I’m eating the next one alone. In the garage.

We FaceTimed my mum and dad this morning. My dad quizzed Toby on the Second World War, and Maddie and Theo excitedly showed mum their Lego. Micah had a meltdown afterwards. It reminds me of when we had foster children who would struggle massively with contact with birth family members. They’re so excited to see those people, but saying goodbye and not knowing when the next time will be is a fresh trauma every time. They are dysregulated, and they take all the emotion out on the people at home. I get it, in a small way. I feel elements of that every time I FaceTime or zoom family and friends. It’s lovely, but it’s not enough. And for Micah, it tipped him over the emotional edge of knowing whether he wanted a bagel or sandwich for lunch.

I was going for a walk this afternoon. I was going to go on my own. Then I said I’d take Toby, to get him off a screen. Then Maddie wanted to come too. Then Theo wanted to come too. So me and three of the kids went on a walk. We went and threw stones in the river, and whilst we were there an actual real life person we knew saw us and stopped at the top of the bank to say hi. At which point Theo somehow managed to throw the rock on his own head and erupt into an ear piercing screech followed by tears. So the friend left us to it, and having assessed that Theo was actually fine, I felt a bit robbed of that human interaction from the outside world.

Maddie’s wearing all her fancy and favourite clothes on any given day, because why not? There’s no point saving them and possibly growing out of them before a special occasion! Every day can be a fancy day if you want it to be.

Micah had a little late afternoon nap and was then rather oppositional when it was dinner time. I called him to the dining room, so he ran to the kitchen. I called him back, to which he informed me that no, dinner was in the garden ‘actually’. And he plonked himself down and genuinely looked like he’d rather eat wooden food than the tuna pasta I’d made. I had to meet him halfway with offering bread and butter as an accompaniment in the end. I gave him the real stuff though, not the wooden loaf.

Liam had a bit of a cough this morning, which we wondered if (hoped…) it was hayfever initially. However, despite the antihistamines and the paracetamol, as the day wore on the cough increased, along with achey muscles, headache, and then an early night. So it looks like we’re back on self isolation again. Obviously this time literally the only difference it makes it that I can’t go to the shop anymore.

It’s such a strange experience isn’t it. For those of us who aren’t facing the reality of this disease in work or at home, there is an element of living in a bubble of safety. On the odd occasion when we go to the shop or watch the news we are reminded that everything is different and strange, but still, we can’t see the virus or touch it. It’s out there but almost mystical. But when someone in the home starts to feel unwell, the anxiety can rise, especially as more people nearby or that we know of are affected by Covid. The thermometer has never been so well used. Every cough is like a siren sound. It’s hard to find the right level of care without paranoia.

But I’m reminded tonight I can only do what I can do. My anxiety won’t prevent anything bad happening, and it won’t make anything better in the meantime. I can do what I can, offer medication and check temperatures, and keep us all at home, and I can pray and trust and hope, and in it all, I can be at peace.

1 O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.
3 O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and forevermore. – Psalms 131

I was woken fairly early by the younger children arguing this morning, so I took them downstairs, sat them on the sofa and turned the telly on. I sat down in my armchair, still half asleep, and promptly got sternly told off by Theo. Apparently it’s not my armchair, it’s their machine, and I should not be sitting in it. I didn’t feel ready to face the day like this.

Going ‘back to school’ has not been as smooth as hoped. I think there’s a general sense of the novelty of home schooling having well and truly worn off. The older girls have retreated to working upstairs, which is understandable given the noise levels downstairs! I evicted half of the family from Joe Wicks PE class because we couldn’t hear the teacher any more.

The younger children reacted to my absence yesterday by only wanting Liam today. This was not much fun for him, given the low moods, but meant I could do some of the exciting jobs I hadn’t yet managed to do over the last month. Highlights included sorting the piles of clothes in the bedroom. The low point was banking. We opened a new account just before lockdown, it turns out it’s really easy to get all the bills to pay out of the new account, not so easy to switch over money to be paid into it – largely because of the hours involved waiting to get through to various finance departments which obviously don’t have any staff any more. The world has stopped but some things have to carry on and it all feels a bit harder to manage right now.

And the children seemed to echo that vibe today. There were strops over cookie making. Strops over which shoes to wear. A particularly dramatic strop when I said no we wouldn’t be buying Maddie a horse for her birthday. I’m not backing down on that one.

After a difficult conversation over schoolwork with an older child I ended up having my own meltdown. I just don’t want to be the teacher and the mum. Mum is the one to come to for support and cuddles and reassurance over school stresses, I’m not supposed to the one who is causing the school stress.

But there were moments like this where two small brothers were in giggles rolling over and over and saying ‘another cuddle!’

And the bath never fails to bring joy. Often small bathroom floods too, but happiness nevertheless.

And the older children actually played a game together! They always pick the Game of Life, today Maisie had five children and Toby was a doctor but still living at home. Probably still paying off his student loan, I imagine. Megan likes to live the rich actress life but end the game with no money. Toby ended up winning, so I’m not sure what life lessons they’re learning.

Obviously we did not see a pony today. But sometimes it’s nice to scroll back and see the things we did only a few weeks ago. And hope and dream of when we can get out again.

I feel somewhat incoherent tonight…it’s just been a wobbly sort of day. I’m hearing stories of people affected by the virus and my heart hurts for them. It feels wrong to complain when I have so much to be thankful for. But I’m tired too, as many of us are, of living this different life. I know how important it is, and we’ll plod on, one day at a time.

And tonight I’m grateful for these verses from Psalm 94, for the comfort and the peace and rest there is in a God who loves me.

17 If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
18 When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. – Psalm 94:17-19

In another version, verse 19 is interpreted as this:

“Whenever my busy thoughts were out of control, the soothing comfort of your presence calmed me down and overwhelmed me with delight.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭TPT

I love that. I can hand the cares of my heart, and my busy thoughts over, and rest in the calming and soothing presence of the One who is soothing and steadfast.

It wasn’t an emergency, and everything is fine. Just to clear that up! But I did have a hospital appointment today, and it was a weird experience. For a start I had to go to a different hospital, and I’d been given a number to ring when I arrived. The nurse met me in the eerily quiet reception and took my temperature before giving me a mask. To book in with the receptionist there were red barriers keeping a two meter distance away from the desk. Myself and the other patient waiting sat on opposite sides of the waiting room, watching a cooking programme where the chef was chatting to his co-host via video link. There are some days this whole thing definitely feels more real, and more surreal. But as you’d expect, the staff were incredible, putting people at ease despite the all the extra complications to keep themselves and others as safe as they can.

I did feel anxious on the way there. Even driving feels bizarre these days. It occured to me that last year for the first time ever I got a speeding fine, and then within months, a second. At least the probability of making that mistake again has been significantly reduced by the lack of driving this year.

There was no post hospital sneaky coffee shop treat, but instead I sat in the car and rewarded myself with my coffee in a travel mug. I was gone for the morning, and it was the longest I’ve been away from my family for 34 days. I won’t lie, the silence in the car wasn’t unpleasant.

But I did feel bad leaving Liam to face the first day back to schoolwork fight alone. And there were some fights to be had. Just to reassure you, though, these children wanted to be in the rabbit run. It was voluntary and they enjoyed it. And we even let them out again. However, just after I arrived back there was a discussion with one older child who was getting stressed over a piece of work they were doing. So we asked them when it was due in. Their reply?

‘Yesterday’.

Whilst we were working through that little issue, another child appeared. ‘Dad, I need help! I’ve got a two person task to do and I’m one person short!’

The younger boys didn’t take kindly to the back to school plans and much mischief was made. About half an hour after lunch Maddie started asking for food, to which Micah piped up, ‘No! You had food yesterday!’ Cue much offence taken on her part, and me loudly reassuring her (but really the neighbours) that she had only just eaten a big meal. A little later she came running out because their game had taken a turn she didn’t like. ‘They’re saying I’m a human and I’M NOT! I’m NEVER human!!!’

Water play always entertains them. I was especially pleased when they decided to start cleaning all of the rocks in the garden. I thought that might buy a good half an hour of peace.

It always takes a turn for the worse in the end though. After this incident Liam picked Micah up to change him. Within seconds I spotted Micah streaking past, back into the garden, and lying stark naked in the tuff tray. I feel like I could write an epistle just on 100 reasons why not to buy a tuff tray. And why you can never take your eyes off small boys.

One of the nice things about driving this morning was going through the valley, seeing spring in it’s splendour, looking at the hills around. It reminded me of Psalm 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. – Psalms 121

As I was driving to the hospital on my own, I thought of this Psalm and was thankful that there’s a promise that I don’t ever have to be truly alone. The God who created me promises to be my help, to not sleep when I need it, to protect me. Even when life hurts, or is scary, I’m never abandoned and I’m never doing it alone.

This morning I felt a double sadness of events that we should have been celebrating today. It’s our little goddaughter’s second birthday today, and although our friends live in Devon, we’ve made sure we’ve met up regularly since they moved back there. I think this is the longest it’s been without visiting each other. Little children are growing up so fast in these months, and it’s hard to not see all the little people I love and know they’re changing so quickly.

Today we also had a family meal booked to celebrate my brother’s 40th birthday. And like I felt with Easter, when you are already missing a family member from gatherings, celebrations are bittersweet anyway. But to be missing them altogether feels like a double whammy of grief. When you’re grieving someone, I think you cling onto each special event even more tenderly, knowing only too well how precious those memories are.

But in those moments I remind myself of the people who are grieving. The thousands in Britain who have lost loved ones over the last few months. And I know it’s for a purpose. For safety. For love. It’s hard and it hurts, but we’re missing special occasions to give the hope of many more years of celebrations. And that is worth it.

Sad thoughts have to be put aside though, when the kids are busy and there’s church to do, and the sunshine helped go a long way in lifting spirits. In the quiet early morning whilst the small ones were still sleepily watching telly I finished crocheting ‘Hannah’ the mouse. It seemed only right after all the animals I’ve made that I make my namesake. I love the sense of completion when you finish a project, and then as soon as you’re done, there’s the anticipation of knowing you already have at least four more projects lined up.

The sylvanian village had an unfortunate spate of fires this morning, but thankfully Micah was on hand to help out when building after building apparently went up in flames.

The worship band is getting bigger by the week, this week we had Micah on percussion, Maddie on vocals, and Theo giving some delightful accompaniment on the recorder. They love seeing the familiar faces from church on the services and the Sunday school stories prepared for us to watch from home.

With weather this beautiful it definitely felt that a good walk was much needed. Unfortunately one family member was suffering from two late nights, and another was just suffering, so leaving the house involved a fair amount of cajoling, bribery, and shoe wrestling.

Once they got going though they were off. It was such a beautiful afternoon and we’re so lucky to live near restful scenes like these.

We had a brief break and a spot of hill rolling before our homeward journey. Micah hurt himself at least twice but still had to be pulled away from his rolling antics. And clearly wore himself out, because we ended up carrying him fast asleep for the latter part of the journey home.

An ice cream and a sit down revived everyone when we got back, and I had time to make a cheesecake before the Bowen family Sunday zoom. My baby nephew couldn’t join us today, but the newest member of the family, my sister’s puppy Tessa, made an appearance for the cuteness factor. Our family conversations tend to feature food fairly high on the agenda. Who’s having what for dinner, how good mum’s pudding looked, what the new hot chocolate maker my brother had for his birthday is like. It’s a good job we spoke just before dinner, because I would definitely have been hungry after those chats otherwise.

This evening we watched the highlights from the ‘One World, Together at Home’ concert, with beautiful music and poignant messages that bring home some of the sacrifices people are making, and the challenges people are facing in these times.

It’s a difficult balance to keep isn’t it, being aware of what’s going on in the world without obsessing about it. Focussing on caring for those you’re isolated with but creatively loving those you’re absent from too. Being grateful for those who are serving so hard and risking so much but being thankful for your safety at home. Being careful and sensible and adhering to guidance without living in anxiety and fear of a virus we can’t see. And some days that balance seems manageable and other days I lose control and I’m afraid or ungrateful or unloving or anxious.

The children’s Bible story this morning was taken from these verses in Luke, where Jesus listens to his followers worrying, and gently speaks to them, reminding them how loved and valued they are. It was good to be reminded of that today. That He’s got us. Whatever tomorrow or next week or next month hold, He knows our needs, and He is not only promising to take care of us, but to give us treasure that will last beyond the material things we so often worry about. So I can let go of the fears for tomorrow, love Him, love those He’s put in my life, and rest.

22 And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.
23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.
24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!
25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?
27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.
30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
33 Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys.
34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. – Luke 12:22-34

I’ve never been one for staying in pyjamas all day. I’ve tried, believe me. And I’m all for elasticated trousers. But somehow I feel a bit grubby and completely lazy if I don’t get dressed, so I’ve tended to always get the kids dressed too. But today, probably for the first time ever, I said yes to a pyjama day. I did make a condition that they had to have clean pants, though. And as I had to go the shop, I felt I should probably not join in. (The pyjamas that is. I did have clean underwear). Maddie was in complete delight, followed by shock, followed by spending the rest of the day a bit unsettled. It might be fun, but it still doesn’t feel right. Maisie came down and said ‘Megan says we can stay in pyjamas?’ So I told her yes, with the conditions. She stood there, looked at me, and said, ‘But why?’ And at that moment I knew, all is not lost. I may be raising one child who might see the need for clean clothing in their future.

Theo was on a bit of a wind up again this morning, building bridges and making a ‘one person only’ rule, and then positioning himself there and not moving. The low point was when Liam and I had the nerve to try and have a five minute conversation in the kitchen, only to go back to the lounge and find kinetic sand everywhere. The tuff tray has not served us well in it’s two days of residence chez Lurker. I think Liam is deeming it the worst £15 I’ve spent. Ah well, some you win, some you lose.

For some unknown reason Micah decided to go around with not one but two megaphones, shouting ‘Everybody! Listen up!‘ Why he felt the need to have megaphones I’ll never know. He has quite literally the loudest voice on a small person that I’ve ever heard.

Maddie was keen to carry on with sewing, the only problem being that I only had one embroidery kit for her. So I thought we’d improvise with felt. Of course Theo wanted to join in on the action, and Micah wanted to colour…and suddenly I was running around trying to keep everyone happy. And not succeeding. So we got snacks out instead.

After lunch I braved a never before a task – I attempted to get my 10 year old son mopping the floor. Whilst at the same time encouraging my teen girls to try and locate the lost world that is their bedroom floor. Toby adopted a Goldilocks approach to the job, giving a strong effort on the first room, a medium sized approach to the second room, and a baby sized stripe up the middle of the hallway.

In the meantime the small boys disappeared up to Megan and Maisie’s bedroom to help with the tidying. They wandered back downstairs some time later, Theo sporting a full face of make up and manicure. I’m not sure the bedroom floor ever got got cleared, but at least one of us will look good coming out of lockdown.

This afternoon I embraced my inner 8 year old and made a sylvanian family village. The boys liked it, but Maddie was distracted by a FaceTime call from Aunty Esty and Uncle Gareth. They asked her what she’d been doing, probably not expecting to begin a counselling session, as she sat down on the sofa, sighed, and said dramatically, ‘playing. And stressing.’ And proceeded to explain how difficult things are with two little brothers. Before going off topic and making weird faces. And then unceremoniously hanging up on them. I should probably work on my children’s phone etiquette.

Maddie finished her embroidered heart today. Perfectly imperfect. Just like all of us, living together. We had some messy family moments today, tensions and frustrations. Even in the last few minutes when I was trying to send the older kids to bed after an already late night, and no one listened but they all flop down on me for another hug. And it’s lovely and I’m grateful but I’m also tired and losing patience and just want them to go to bed. We had the sand throwing this morning and the stressed little girl and all the other little moments that can add up to get you down when you’re all shut in together.

But we also had a spontaneous dinner time rendition of ‘500 miles’ led by Micah, which Toby and Megan had taught him, and he led them all with great gusto, exuberant dance moves, and it was hilarious and cute and I loved watching them all join in and laughing.

We even had a cheeky ten minutes after dinner when the little ones were calm and the older ones were happy and they agreed to Liam and I going for a quick walk by the river. On our own. With no children. Before we left, Megan told us not to get drunk, or get kidnapped or pregnant and if anyone offered us sweets to say no. I’m happy to say that we were back on time and did not break any of her rules. So you never know, we might be allowed out again sometime!

There are some verses in proverbs that talk about a wife and mother, which I have in a frame on my windowsill, given to me as a gift, and I love the reminder and the challenge they bring as we go about our perfectly imperfect family life.

25 ‘Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
. – Proverbs 31:25-26

I pray that as we spend these days together, the children are more aware of my love and God’s love for them more than my fear of the future. Of my faith that gives strength and hope in the uncertain days. That they hear words of kindness from me, of honesty, of apology, and of humour. And that those are the memories of messy family life that they take with them.

I had great ambitions tonight of getting the younger three in bed to watch Phantom of the Opera. But I’m sitting in the boys bedroom listening to Micah whispering ‘five little monkeys jumping on the bed’ to himself instead. He intermittently jumps up and looks around, at which point I growl ‘lie down!’ in a stern tone. And he goes back to singing. I should have known my ambitions for bedtime were doomed, when I asked him to pick a book and he collected up the entire Little Miss collection, and one by one picked them up, looked at them, and threw them on the floor. Finally he picked up the one I had just finished reading to Theo, and said ‘I pick this one!’

Bedtime fun aside, today was good. I don’t know what the formula to a good day is, but I’m grateful for them. Maybe I lowered my standards. I looked at the piles of clothes in my bedroom waiting to be sorted out and walked downstairs. I was given a baby doll to look after, so I dutifully did that very well, sitting down so I could give baby ‘Nothing’ my full attention. Micah’s imaginative name choice doesn’t give the poor baby much self esteem.

In an organised and enthusiastic moment I bought a tuff tray to keep the sand/play doh fiascos more contained. The play doh immediately got chopped up, put on plates, and went into the toy oven. I don’t think I achieved my aim.

After a brief stint where Theo and Micah were tormenting Maddie and I helped her hide whilst Liam took them out in the rain to see the river, we FaceTimed Grandma, Grandad and the aunties. This always buys me a bit of peace because the kids run off with my phone and talk rubbish to my family. And my family seem eager to play – pretending to eat play doh cakes through the screen, being offered drinks, and singing various songs. It appears everyone is going as mad as each other, so I’m hopeful that we’ll all be equal in craziness once we’re free. Although I think I’ll win for the greatest increase in grey hairs.

A little later I was on the phone to Esther, an old style phone call with no screens, which completely threw Micah, who insisted on shouting ‘Esty! Look at me!’ as he did tricks on my bed. Whilst we were chatting I suddenly realised Alexa was playing Bob the Builder, clearly under Micah’s instruction. He left the room and I was left sitting listening to the Wheels on the Bus. I remember being horrified that Toby could use a touch screen-having my music dictated by a three year old is a whole other level.

Maddie needed a bit of space from the boys today so I dug out an embroidery kit I’d put away, and taught her how to back stitch. She got it straight away, and absolutely loved it. I had to convince her to have a break for lunch because her fingers were aching.

Micah’s been missing his Friday gymnastics where he burns off a lot of energy, so he had an impromptu handstand session, in which Theo and Toby both decided to start crawling under his legs, much to all of their amusement. Micah called me to the toilet earlier, and said ‘I’ve done a huge poo! Like you-you’re huge!’ I didn’t know whether to be offended at being huge, or glad I’m not a poo?

Toby and Liam decided to have a go at hydro-dipping, practising on a bottle and then doing an impressive job with a spud gun. I’m a little concerned that any of my belongings may now be deemed too boring and turn up randomly painted in neon patterns. And of course the other issue with this particular activity is that Toby is now in possession of a spud gun. Much to his sisters’ despair.

After lunch the boys picked their chill out movie and Maddie and I sat together whilst she finished her rainbow and I carried on with my crochet. I often feel bad when people suggest giving your children one to one time every day. That just isn’t possible when you’re on crowd control, but it definitely makes those moments sweeter and more special when you can achieve them.

Warning: there are images below that may be a trigger if you are of a sensitive nature and prefer order to be maintained. These pictures are not Instagram friendly…

But perhaps part of the reason for the calmer day was me just relaxing over the house. In reality, it took no longer to tidy up than on a day where I’m stressed about it. I’d like to say I’ve learnt from this, but no doubt in a few days I’ll have another moment about the state of the place and how no one else cares. I’m sure they’ll all continue to look blankly at me and the great order/disorder cycle will continue. For today, though, I accepted the mess in favour of peace. And it was good.

And whilst Megan and Maisie let Maddie and Micah run riot in their bedroom, Theo had great fun watching the mixer going round. Cheaper than a tv license and almost as entertaining. Especially when he worked out how to speed it up. Can you over beat batter for toad in the hole?!

Whilst I cooked I was preparing for watching the Phantom, so called up some YouTube numbers. I found myself somehow falling down a YouTube rabbit hole involving Gerard Butler (not sorry), the Pogues, and Ellie Goulding. It’s amazing where YouTube can take you.

I did eventually get my smallest to go to sleep, and we continued the older one’s musical education. Liam and I sang beautifully, the girls appreciated it, Toby is perhaps slightly traumatised. And I’m wondering if it’s too risky to buy tickets for December?

I hope these are the days we’ll remember when life starts to get back to it’s busyness. These gentle days, of making and sitting together and watching new things. Of slowing life down and choosing to sit and play. I’m not very good at it, but this is an opportunity that has been given to us, and I pray I’ll learn from the slower days, to remember what is important.

I was thinking about 1 Corinthians 13 earlier, the famous verses on love.

3 ‘If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things’. – 1 Corinthians 13:3-7

More than ever, I’ve been give the opportunity to love those closest to me. Some days that’s going to require a commitment and decision and supernatural help. But it will be worth it. Because love never fails. And what I invest in my family now in these days will last, because love never ends.