It was a slow start to the morning, mostly because I’d spent large parts of the night returning children to their own beds, and then a good portion of it in the wrong end of one of their beds. Still, by 10:15 this morning Liam and I had a celebratory coffee to salute the fact that 6 out of 8 of us were dressed, a fact which we were actually quite proud of on a lockdown Saturday. We had few ambitions for the day, except to get everyone out for a walk after lunch.

So that’s what we did. We walked down the river and across to the lanes by the fields. We took our time and admired all of the wild flowers growing by the sides of the lane. We spent more time admiring the ferns with their fiddleheads and their unfurled leaves out in the wild than we’d managed to do with Maddie on paper in a week.

We spotted wild strawberries and cow parsley, bluebells and ‘never forget me’ flowers, as Maddie likes to call them.

We wandered up into the woodland and had snacks on Theo’s ‘squirrel house log’, before we came out of the wood and watched Maddie’s favourite horses grazing in their field.

We took a different route this time and found fields full of wild flowers, and the boys checked who liked buttercups whilst the girls did their Sound of Music re-enactment moment.

And then we moved on to a different field and found a tree that everyone needed to sit in for a while.

Before heading downhill through yet more fields full of golden yellow wildflowers.

And of course there’s always the one wild child who wants to roll down hills and spin until he’s dizzy and lie amongst the flowers.

Just because he can.

It was a good walk. It was relaxed and beautiful and there were only a couple of arguments. And we watched the kids exploring nature, and wondered why we hadn’t wandered aimlessly until we were forced into stopping and finding the beauty on our doorstep.

Then we went home and drank tea and some people snoozed in front of the telly and some of us crocheted. Well that was only me, obviously.

And then I got cranky because I had to actually cook dinner and sort washing instead of living in a yarn filled, book reading, bird watching, meadow wandering dreamworld.

Then tonight we FaceTimed our friends and were serious and silly and talked about the good stuff and the hard stuff and the ‘how long will this go on’ stuff.

Tonight I’m just grateful. Grateful for a day of rest from the workload of the week. Grateful for the hidden beauties of nature all around us. Grateful for the children who can wear me out with the sleepless nights and the argumentative days, the complex needs and the continual demands, but then help each other and hold hands and play in a field and then when it’s nighttime they wander in sleepily and whisper ‘I love you mum’. Grateful for friends who are still there, through the good and the bad and the lockdown days. And grateful for God, who made it all. And holds me through it all.

“You answer our prayers with amazing wonders and with awe-inspiring displays of power. You are the righteous God who helps us like a father. Everyone everywhere looks to you, for you are the confidence of all the earth, even to the farthest islands of the sea. What jaw-dropping, astounding power is yours! You are the mountain maker who sets them all in place. You muzzle the roar of the mighty seas and the rage of mobs with their noisy riots. O God, to the farthest corners of the planet people will stand in awe, startled and stunned by your signs and wonders. Sunrise brilliance and sunset beauty both take turns singing their songs of joy to you. Your visitations of glory bless the earth; the rivers of God overflow and enrich it. You paint the wheat fields golden as you provide rich harvests. Every field is watered with the abundance of rain— showers soaking the earth and softening its clods, causing seeds to sprout throughout the land. You crown the earth with its yearly harvest, the fruits of your goodness. Wherever you go the tracks of your chariot wheels drip with oil. Luxuriant green pastures boast of your bounty as you make every hillside blossom with joy. The grazing meadows are covered with flocks, and the fertile valleys are clothed with grain, each one dancing and shouting for joy, creation’s celebration! And they’re all singing their songs of praise to you!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭65:5-13‬ ‭TPT‬‬

I definitely had that Friday feeling this morning, I couldn’t face battling maths and learning about ferns anymore, so we opted for more of a ‘wellbeing’ task that school had sent. Creating little books all about one of their friends. They loved the idea and started out enthusiastically, but the reality was it made them sad too. It was hard to see Theo’s little face when we finished crumple and him put his head in his hands, ‘I miss Henry.’ And Maddie get excited then wobbly and want more help than she really needed because she needed to be near us when facing all the feelings. But sometimes allowing them – and ourselves – to feel it and actually miss what we’re missing is helpful too. So we kept it simple and called it a day on schoolwork.

Instead they were very excited that Liam’s Aunty Christine had managed to get us the last three bags of sand from Tesco! Yes, I’ll be battling sand all over the kitchen for the rest of the summer, but they LOVE it, and it definitely helped entertain them today. Obviously when they weren’t throwing it/face planting in it/eating it.

Liam and I had a major house clean today. It took me a while to work up the motivation, but I couldn’t cope with the dust anymore. Give it three days and it will be back, but for now, it feels clean and that’s soothing to my soul.

I had a nice chat with my mum this morning when I needed to ask her a post-sending related question, and then, not long after, these turned up from her. And a card and chocolate for me (maybe I’ll share with Liam), but I hid the chocolate and hung the card up before I took this photo. One of the things that I’m finding really special in these days is those encouragements that pop up in the post or in messages. I’m keeping the cards up until these days are done, and then I’m planning to put them in a book, a visual reminder that we’re never truly alone, even when we’re isolated. The kids thanked Grandma by sending her a very loud and screechy thank you message. Which I think she really liked.

I didn’t take many pictures today, because photos of me cleaning or at the post office weren’t that interesting really. We spent a surprisingly large portion of the day discussing possible names for the chicks who may arrive soon. Trio of female name suggestions included:

Rachel, Monica and Phoebe

Stacey, Gwen and Nessa

Aurora, Ariel and Elsa

Dr Eggstein, Taron Eggerton, and Eggmerelda

K, F, and C

Shiraz, Merlot and Chardonnay

And Liam suggested three of my closest friend’s names. I think there were implications of us being like clucky hens. Which I took offence at. And given that every conversation gets to this stage, we still don’t have names for the poor chicks. I think this is why we haven’t had any more children.

I started week 2 of couch to 5k today. It was hard. It reflected where I felt with lockdown today. Plodding on, with tired legs, not enthusiastic about the next stage, reaping very slow rewards. And as I ran (/brisk walked!), I thought about the verses from Hebrews that talk about running our race.

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God’. – Hebrews 12:1-2

Running is hard some days. But then I thought about the people I’ve spoken to recently who are a few weeks – or years – ahead of me in it. Encouraging me, inspiring me, reminding me of the benefits.

And lockdown – and life – are a bit like that sometimes aren’t they? Sometimes to keep running through lockdown days I need to remember the benefits. And to be encouraged. And to keep looking ahead, to the days where we’ll be together again.

And I look to the ultimate Encourager. The ultimate Inspiration. Jesus, who sacrificed everything, was isolated from His Father, and pushed through unbearable pain for the joy before Him. The joy of community with those He loves.

It’s all worth it. Couch to 5k, isolation, running the race of life, with all the ups and downs. Sometimes it’s an easier day, sometimes it’s a gritting teeth and holding on to hope kind of day, but there is always hope. And there is One who gets it. And has got us.

At 4:45 this morning the words went through my head, ‘there were four in the bed and the little one said, roll over. So they all rolled over and…’. And I got out. And retreated to the sofa. By 5:30 Liam had also been pushed out and the small ones claimed victory of the bed. So when they came downstairs we put on the telly, made a tea, and stubbornly sat in our bed to drink it.

Micah is getting very into ‘doing school!’ Making letters in the sand tray was a favourite today.

And a bit of healthy competition won Theo over – ‘I bet you can’t make five can you?’

‘Of course I can!!!’ And he did.

Meanwhile Maddie worked hard on two times tables house building, and Toby had a video maths tutorial from Aunt Estie to keep him on track.

The boys and I moved to the kitchen, where I suggested some number pegging to help Theo’s hypermobile hands.

He seems capable of using the pegs, but why peg them on number cards when you could just use your nose?

After lunch Liam found some old Orbeez water beads, which of course were a huge hit. It was so nice to have a warmer day again today, it definitely makes a huge difference to the younger ones particularly!

Liam was helping Megan with a DT project this afternoon, and I went up to sort some washing, so inevitably everyone followed us up. Then one by one they climbed into our bed. Which was all very well until some members wandered off to find a snack, and I went back into the bedroom to find 3 of them eating Wotsits. In. my. Bed.

There’s taking liberties and there’s taking liberties. And this was well over the line. So I evicted them all immediately.

I then came across a Corona virus quiz to ask your children, so went around my house to carry out my inquiries. So without further ado, here are the published results.

1. What is the Corona Virus?

Maddie (aged 6) – A virus

Theo (aged 4) – germs

Micah (aged 3) – Coronavirus!

Meg (aged 14) – it’s a virus spread by contact and germs left on things.

Toby (aged 10) – bad.

Maisie (aged 12) – it’s a virus. It’s germs.

2. Who is the prime minister?

Maddie – The boss

Theo – I forgot.

Micah – I Don’t know about that.

Meg – I Dunno. Boris Johnson?

Toby – Boris Johnson.

Maisie – At the moment it’s Boris Johnson right? Or has it changed?

3. How many days have we been in lockdown?

Maddie – 24 hundred.

Theo – 100.

Micah (excitedly) -LOCKDOWN!

Meg – over 40 less than 90.

Toby – too many.

Maisie – I’ve lost count.

4. What is mummy/am I wearing today?

Maddie – clothes.

Theo – Pyjama trousers and a morning t shirt.

Micah – clothes.

Meg – slippers.

Toby – clothes.

Maisie – a jumper, some clothes and penguin slippers.

5. Do you want to go back to school?

Maddie – Emphatically – NO. Wait I changed my mind. I do.

Theo – no.

Micah – I want to go to school!

Meg – to see my friends, yes.

Toby- -to see my friends not to do the work.

Maisie – no, because they think Coronavirus will go up if we go back.

6. Who is the first person you are going to hug when lockdown ends?

Maddie – my teachers.

Theo – Henry.

Micah – (to me) I’m hugging you!

Meg – Tom

Toby – Joe

Maisie – Aimée

7. Where is the first place you want to go when we’re out of lockdown?

Maddie – Longleat

Theo – school

Micah – I want to go to lockdown!

Meg – Aimée’s house.

Toby – Joe’s house.

Maisie -Barry island with Aimée and her family and you guys.

8. What do you think we can do to get rid of the corona virus?

Maddie – I think we should stay 2 metres or 2 seconds away from each other.

Theo – go outside every morning so the germs get killed.

Micah – I want to go to grandma’s house!

Meg – sing happy birthday.

Toby – stay home.

Maisie – stay in our house. Wash our hands.

9. Is mummy a good teacher?

Maddie – (thinking). Yes.

Theo – I prefer you. and Mrs C (his nursery teacher).

Micah – yep.

Meg – she doesn’t teach me anything

Toby – no.

Maisie – mummy doesn’t really teach us but she’s a good primary teacher just not secondary school.

10. If corona virus was an animal what animal would it be?

Maddie – a fox.

Theo – a lion.

Micah – a lion.

Meg – Theo.

Toby – a bat always flying around and being annoying.

Maisie – Rat because they carry diseases.

11. How did the corona virus start?

Maddie – with people getting sick.

Theo – people touched stuff they shouldn’t be touching and other people touched stuff and that’s how they get germs.

Micah – I don’t know.

Meg – people ate bats.

Toby – in China, by people eating bats.

Maisie – I don’t know. Someone got ill then everyone got ill. Something to do with bats.

So there you have it. We’ve established that Maisie is the only one who takes my questions seriously. No-one takes any notice of what I’m wearing (NOT pyjama trousers. Just comfy ones!). My children’s scientific and political knowledge is dubious to say the least. And Micah, who doesn’t go to school, is by far the most eager to go.

This afternoon the younger kids wanted to look at their ‘life story’ books, written by the social workers to explain in simple terms their journey to adoption and help them make sense of their story. Theo insisted I took a photo of him to put a new one in the empty pages at the end.

Identity is such a complex thing, and as I looked at their books with all the empty pages, I was glad that their story isn’t finished yet. And neither is mine. Last year I was stressing over how I was going to feel this year, with my youngest starting nursery in September, and life as I’ve known it for 14 years will begin to change, as will my role. In the last week, Micah’s stopped wearing nappies are night, and suddenly, unceremoniously, I’ve changed my baby’s last nappy. And for someone whose whole working life has been invested in caring for babies, it’s a challenge to face a change of role-of identity.

But if Corona virus is reminding me anything, it’s that we never know what’s around the corner. All the stressing I was doing over time going too fast and my teenagers and baby changing without me or Liam having time to stop and enjoy them, was such wasted anxiety when I look back. I had no idea we’d have months together this year. And I’m so grateful we have. So if I take anything forward with me, I hope it’s the reminder to make the most of today, and trust that tomorrow is safe in God’s hands. And to worry less about what my purpose might be then, but to look around at who I can love right now.

And just because I was listening to this song earlier and it reminded me of where my identity lies, I’ll share it here:

‘From my mother’s womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name.
I’ve been born again
Into your family
Your blood flows through my veins.

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in Perfect Love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am a child of God.’ (No Longer Slaves, Bethel music).

I actually don’t know why he’s making that face in the photo, I think he was denying Maddie’s accusations that he’d been eating slugs. Given that he refuses most dinners I offer him, I wasn’t overly concerned that she was doing anything more than winding him up. So despite the look on his face, he does love the swing seat. This afternoon he was in the back garden on his own swinging away and singing songs from Frozen at the top of his voice. A bit of sensory seeking heaven.

I had to go to do a food shop today. The last few weeks I’ve done click and collects, and although much quicker, the limit on items was frustrating, especially when they then didn’t have several things once they packed the order. So I braved the shop itself, and it was actually fairly straightforward. Except that I was doing a huge shop. When I was leaving the store, the friendly security man looked at my trolley and asked if I was shopping for the whole street? To which I said no, just six children and a husband. And he replied ‘six children?! Good luck!’

Thanks.

The shopping took an hour and a half and made my bank card cry. And took another hour to unpack. Although Micah did tell me he could carry a watermelon. Which made me chuckle. A lot. By the time I’d finished I really really needed coffee. Liam was helping Toby with fractions and Maddie with the two times tables, and the small boys were running riot. I’d had emails from the secondary school telling Megan and Maisie to log in and fill out the well-being questionnaire, so I told them to remember that however awful it is being with us, we are actually feeding and clothing them. Just in case they felt the need to say otherwise.

After lunch Liam planned on taking the four younger children on a lengthier walk so I could try and find the floor again. Off they went, and I thought if I hoovered really quickly I might get a quick cuppa and crochet in too. Within twenty minutes they were back. One child who had insisted they didn’t need the toilet had decided they actually did, and point blank refused to use a bush. Clearly too well house trained. On their way back another child fell over, and when they returned it was not without a sense of frustration. So we put Frozen 2 on, gave them all a bag of crisps, and made a cup of tea. Maisie was still beavering away at work when I took this picture, but not long after she joined us. It was an unusual and pleasant afternoon to sit down with all the children and just chill.

This is what happens when both parents attempt to enjoy the brief rise in temperatures just before the children’s bedtimes. Having been freezing the last couple of days, we tried to have a sneaky sit in the hammock but as ever, were found within seconds.

Bedtime turned into a long therapeutic conversation with a struggling little girl. What started as the need to say goodbye to a dead dandelion that’s been in a vase on her windowsill opened a whole can of emotional worms.

There’s a film I’ve seen a few times on social media that talks about mothers and all the different roles they play out on a day to day basis. In these strange days it certainly feels like I’m wearing a lot more than all the usual hats. My taxi role has taken a back seat for the time being, for sure, but cook, cleaner, teacher, nurse, finance assistant, administrator, and therapist are a few of the others I’m juggling. And I love it, but it’s easy to feel overwhelmed too. I’m not a professional in any of those roles.

As ever, there are challenges going on with the kids that we’re winging as parents. Getting advice where we can, talking things through with them as we are able, but no child comes with a manual. Something kicks off, and there are any number of things that could be at the root of it. In the wisdom of Shrek, they’re like onions, with layers. They’re also quite ogre-like at times when I think about it.

But I’m grateful for the little verse with big meaning in Philippians, which says:

‘I can do all things through him who strengthens me.’ – Philippians 4:13

I believe my children are gifts, and as imperfect as my parenting is, there’s a reason that we were made into a family. An often loud, messy, flawed family, but put together for a purpose. And I’m so thankful that we are. And I’m so grateful that their future doesn’t rest on my wisdom or competence, but on the One who gives me strength, day by day, to be who I need to be. To pray for them and care for them and fight for them. In all of the hats. Although secretly I’m quite fond of the ‘this is my time’, wine-drinking, Netflix watching, chocolate-eating, post 11pm hat. I look forward to digging it out again this time tomorrow.

We had another busy night, with Micah appearing before we were asleep, and being returned to bed. Theo then climbed into our bed at some point, so I returned him, and still woke up with Micah next to me. I had a bit of a headache until mid-afternoon, which I think was just feeling like I’d partied too hard – but without the party.

Schooling is definitely not getting easier. It is in the sense that we have a system going, but trying to answer questions from Toby on mathematical conversions, whilst explaining to Maddie what ‘unfurling’ is and thinking of examples in the home and nature, and at the same time enthusiastically finding things that begin with ‘b’ with Theo who is barely interested and Micah who isn’t meant to be but is more animated about it than Theo is all rather interesting. I was also answering emails to secondary school teachers asking about my children who diligently do all their work but frequently forget to submit it.

So I gave it a go, we made symmetrical paint prints representing butterfly wings and drew spirals, read a story and did a maths problem, and then I collapsed in a little heap in the armchair with coffee. And Liam took over on the over-enthusiastic nursery teaching. It seems that the only way to gain any interest from some 4 year olds is to get really high pitched and fake excitement – a bit like being greeted in the Disney store.

Snack time bears strong resemblance to feeding time at the zoo. They swoop in from all corners. Megan and Maisie are two flights up, so to save shouting, we either use a bell, or get the kitchen Alexa to make an announcement in their room. I went to call the girls for snacks, and stopped myself as I started shouting ‘Alexa! Snacks!’ I must make a note to remember that Alexa is not actually one of my children’s names.

The kids have enjoyed the chalk activity trail over the road so much that Liam made one for them on the driveway. Naturally, as good as it is, they were suitably distracted by wanting lunch so after a few arguments and two loops on the trail, they came back in seeking yet more food.

Despite what these photos look like, we haven’t resorted to keeping our sons in cages. Micah made himself a home in the partially constructed chicken coop, and Theo enjoyed a little chat with Jelly Beans. Which had to end when Theo started throwing grapes for Beans to catch, only it looked more like he was using Beans for target practice. Micah was disappointed to hear that he would have to move out of the coop, as we started preparations for some chicks to move in soon.

Still, he found comfort in his ‘muzzy’ which was still attached to the washing line.

He then opted to come in for his afternoon snooze on the sofa, whilst I had a good catch up with a friend.

This morning when I woke up I had two conflicting voices in my head. I had the words of a song full of hope and truth, but at the same time, a mind full of self doubt and insecurities. It took some serious words with myself, some focussing on what God says about me, and some loud music, to put the negative voices aside and concentrate on being who I am and loving those around me. It’s so easy to slip into listening to those lies-I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this, what if I embarrass myself or I annoy that person, what if this happens or that happens? What if, what if. And the trouble is when I focus on the stuff about me, I notoriously become impatient, anxious, stressy, and grumpy, frustrated with others because I’m frustrated with me.

But the song going through my head at the same time isn’t about me. It’s about the One who made me, who looked at His creation and called it good. It says:

‘Way maker
Miracle worker
Promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who you are’. (Waymaker, by Sinach)

The Bible calls Him ‘Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace’. – Isaiah 9:6

And He is the One who calls me chosen, created, a treasure, beautiful, designed, gifted, belonging. So irrespective of what I think about me, or where I think I’m weak and insufficient, I can hold my head high as I wake up in the morning, knowing I am who I’m meant to be, with the people He’s given me to love. I am weak-but He is strong. I am foolish-but He is wise. I will let people down-but He has never let me down. And knowing that gives me freedom to just be me.

It was Monday morning after a much more relaxed week last week, and I had a hunch it might be a challenge. Megan and Maisie disappeared upstairs to crack on. Toby logged onto his account, and was overjoyed and immediately very distracted by the fact that one of his tasks was to ‘watch a movie and take notes’. From that moment on, all he could think about was which movie to watch, when could he watch it, could it be one we don’t own…the questions were relentless. Finally after he’d pretended to have done a few other subjects he wore me down and put on Jurassic Park, assuring me he had the questions with which to do note taking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also had a bowl of popcorn smuggled under the table.

I’ve learned with Theo you have to be ready and move very fast with interesting looking activities to gain cooperation. Thankfully his teacher had suggested a number programme to watch first. He was another child happily won over by telly to start off the day. He did then enjoy comparing sizes of objects around the house, and that kept him entertained for all of 3.5 minutes I think.

Maddie is happier to work with someone next to her, which was a bit of a challenge today as Micah was not in a happy place. He wanted to do school work, then he wanted to be picked up. He wanted his third breakfast, and he wanted daddy who was doing a job. However, Maddie and I managed a few little activities, and hearing her ‘3 things I’m thankful for’ was a nice moment in the morning – my brothers and sisters, mummy and daddy, and Lego. Given that normally she glances around the room and says ‘umm table, chairs, pencils’ or whatever else she glances at, I was chuffed that we humans featured on there today!

Micah was still grumpy but pacified a little by helping with the coffee making process. Unfortunately this led to my zoom fail of the morning, with the poor piano teacher messaging me to find out where Megan was because my reminder alarm was on silent in another room. I’ve now ensured triple alarms are set for various appointments. How we’ll ever get anywhere on time when it involves leaving the house with shoes and bags I can’t even comprehend at this stage.

There is a ‘zoom phenomenon’ in this house, that the moment you say ‘quieten down now, someone’s on zoom’, everyone feels the need to raise their tone by 20 decibels, have an argument outside the closed door, and sit in the bathroom shouting ‘I’ve done a poo!!!’ as loud as they can. Well, maybe not everyone. But certain younger members of the family certainly seem to click into chaos causing mode when the ‘quiet’ word is mentioned. So Liam and I found ourselves once again, shut in the kitchen finding ways to entertain. Today Liam supplied kitchen ping pong as the game of choice. It finally enticed a smile out of Micah, so that was a bonus.

By 11:30 with two piano lessons finished, all 3 younger children feeling they’d done enough learning, and Toby diligently ‘note taking’ with flesh eating dinosaurs, given the arctic conditions outdoors, I gave up, put the telly on, and phoned my mum. Which was a worthwhile choice, I decided.

The good thing about the lockdown birthdays was all of Maddie’s new toys to provide entertainment. The downside, the frequent arguments over them. From lunchtime onwards, I parked myself in the lounge purely to act as mediator/referee. We intended on going for a walk, but Micah fell asleep so that was delayed somewhat. I made use of the time by attempting a new crochet pattern, which I’ve since undone and restarted three times, and am still only on row two. It doesn’t look like a quick project, this one.

Once Micah was awake enough, we got the younger four kids ready to go for a walk, whilst the older two girls had another zoom. The little ones were already grumpy, and despite my notion of them needing to get out, it wasn’t a happy experience! We set off down the river, but had barely gone a few metres without having to drag four children into the hedges three times to maintain social distancing. Whether it was the time of day, or the new guidelines on people being allowed more exercise, I don’t know, but the river path was like a London street. So we gave up on that idea and went back onto the street, much to the children’s disappointment.

We managed to appease them for a while with going around the chalk play trail, but after our third round, we felt we should move on. They did not agree. Loudly.

The streets were also packed with parents and children on bikes and scooters, and us in the middle, frog marching two crying and two sulking children with teeth clenched smiles on our faces. ‘Isn’t this lovely? I’m so glad we got out’ we muttered under our breath. And went home for dinner.

Today was one of those days. I sometimes think back to when we had just Megan. It wasn’t any easier, she was a miserable baby who didn’t sleep, and I was an emotional mess. But when I had one grumpy baby, every now and then, she slept. And in those ten minutes, there was silence. With six children, the ten minutes are long gone. As soon as someone stops being grumpy, someone else steps in. And some days, three other people step in.

But even in the less than fun moments of today, I was conscious of the work Maddie had been set this morning – find three things to be grateful for. And that whisper in my head kept me going through the day.

I was grateful for my pastor’s message I listened to first thing this morning, reminding me of hope and a God who’s with me.

Grateful that although the kids were very grumpy, Liam and I still liked each other.

Grateful that the sun was shining and my washing was drying. That lockdown hadn’t happened all over the veeeeerrrry long winter we had.

Grateful that we could walk by the river at the beginning and end of our walk, and are not confined to a tiny space like some people are in these days.

Grateful for the people who keep showing their care for me and our brood.

Grateful for food in our fridge and a home to live in.

I was weary at points today, and there were times it was a fight to be grateful. But that’s ok. We’re living in tough days. Where things we know and love have been snatched from us and there are voices of fear willing to drown out the good. But for all of the tension amongst my children, I want them to be able to see all we have to be thankful for. To keep lifting our eyes upwards and outside our four walls, taking each day one at time, and waiting, hoping, and trusting that this time will not be wasted.

‘I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.’ – Psalm 40:1-3

Why is it that the slightest hint of cloud and rain and small children turn into little wild things? There was running in circles, jumping off sofas, and threats to put them all outside. Of course they then wanted to go outside, so we put three pairs of shoes on and off they all wandered. Then they all came back in, asking for coats. So I helped with three coats, zipped them all up, and they went off outside again.

Less than five minutes later and one by one they reappeared, shedding coats and shoes and leaving a trail behind them.

Virtual church went well – except for this particular moment. They’re not praying, just having a strop. Over what, I can’t even remember. Other than that, they danced in the songs, enjoyed hearing about being God’s treasure, and Theo particularly loved the pirate themed introduction to the story.

And there was great enthusiasm over making treasure maps and chests. I always love moments where the older kids quietly step in and help the younger ones. Tea stained maps are always fun, and the treasure chests were popular – especially with jelly bean treasures in them.

After crafts were finished Micah started to get a bit cranky. He crossly came to find me, and said, with blatant honesty, ‘I’m hungry. And hitty.’ I got lunch, mainly to protect his siblings from his hanger issues.

After lunch and with happiness restored, Liam and I felt the need to have a general house clear up. In the process we came across the leftovers from Theo’s party bags. Yes, his birthday was in November. And no, we hadn’t yet done the crafts that we’d given to all his friends. But today seemed a good day as any to paint some rockets.

When we started our clear up, we’d asked the boys to strip their beds to change the sheets. The result of that can be seen above. We chose to ignore that particular carnage and join the family Sunday afternoon zoom, which involved a quiz today. I was particularly pleased with my knowledge of my siblings baby photos. Ironically the only one I got wrong was not knowing if one picture was me or not. Clearly I don’t look at my own baby photos enough.

I attacked the boys bedroom whilst they were safely contained in the bath. Once they were settled in bed I went back downstairs to find the older children ‘looking’ for the remote control. They wandered around randomly staring at cushions until I suggested that I’d help them look. And the deal was, if I found it, then I’d get to choose what we watched.

I’ve never seen them start actively looking so quickly. And within minutes, it was found. Another evening of American high school drama it is, then.

The clouds weren’t just outside today, I felt them too. I’m not sure what it was exactly. The worship from church made me emotional, singing songs I love whilst missing the community we sing them with, and yet at the same time holding onto words that give me hope and joy. Missing family and friends. The growing sense and fear that life isn’t going to get ‘back to normal’ for a long while ahead. Issues with several different children’s medical and emotional challenges that are needing time and love and attention in these days. I cried, but I wasn’t sad or mad especially. It was just a whole mixture of emotions and exhaustion finding expression.

This evening I read these verses from a Psalm 3:

‘But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill.
I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.’ – Psalm 3:3-5

I’m grateful that on cloudy Sundays, on weary evenings, on days where I’m missing normality and feeling overwhelmed by the needs around me, there is One I can turn to who protects me and lifts my tired head. Who I can cry to and He answers. Who sustains me in my sleep, and when I wake tomorrow will bring grace and hope and strength for a new day.

This morning I woke up and had no idea where I was. I knew I wasn’t on my side of the bed, and vaguely thought I’d swapped and was on Liam’s side. But there was a wall next to my head and a crocheted bat named Batty tickling my ear. And eventually I realised I was in Theo’s bed. Finally it all came flooding back. Maddie had wandered in relatively early in the night, but because she’s had a tricky couple of days, we let her stay in with us. At some point Micah joined us, and Liam got pushed out so I swapped to his side where Maddie was and let him have my side. And then Theo wandered in. At which point I left and took refuge from the invasion in Theo’s bed.

But now I was awake, it was all very well knowing where I was, but as for what day, I was clueless. The whole Bank Holiday Monday on a Friday thing threw me completely and it took me until about 11am to work out what was going on.

It also took that long to try and get everyone dressed. Micah still wasn’t keen, and hid on his bed at every stage of the process, requiring persuasion in the form of a FaceTime with Grandma to finally get him to cooperate.

Today involved a lot of playing in the garden. Hammocks, horses, hot and sticky little people. Theo got a bit cranky at one point and threatened that if I didn’t do what he wanted then I’d be dead, and also we wouldn’t have a puppy. He then had an apparent attack of conscience and retracted, ‘ok we’ll have a puppy, just NO horse.’ Ok then. But I’ll still be dead, it seems.

Micah has a runny nose, again, and once again I’m wondering how on earth it’s possible to catch a cold when you’ve been in isolation for 54 days. I generously offered to be the one to sit with him on the sofa after lunch, and he was asleep before the Tiger who came to tea had even had time to eat a sandwich.

Which gave me a chance to finish sewing up a bear with no name. And to start pondering what to make next.

However there were more pressing matters to attend to. Our poor bunny Jelly Beans, had run out of food and I hadn’t managed to get any on the food shop, so Liam said he’d go to Morrisons. The thing was, he hadn’t been to a shop since the start of lockdown. His wallet had a layer of dust on it. He’d never used the new Visa card he’d got for our new account, so we had to locate the letter with the PIN number on it. Then I talked him through the supermarket protocol. About half an hour later, he finally left.

Whilst he was out I extracted the older children and sat in the garden with them. My mission, alongside them breathing fresh air, was to find out what we can get Maisie for her 13th birthday. Overly demanding children are challenging, but when it comes to celebrations, the easily pleased child can be equally as tricky, especially when there’s less than 3 week between the birthdays and there’s a degree of pressure to not let her look like the forgotten one at the end of the month. I’m not sure I’m any clearer on what to get her, but it was a nice half an hour with them before they retreated back into their dens.

Our after dinner walk was made a whole heap more exciting thanks to the creativity of someone else on our estate. This was a real hit, and we had to do several circuits before going home for bath time. And then I pushed myself around couch to 5k again, always less fun the second time around.

I missed family and friends today. I missed hanging out and having real catch ups. I felt sad for those going through really tough stuff and feeling helpless in being able to support them. I worry about the ones I don’t hear much from. I wanted to hug those who feel alone. But whoever you are and wherever you are, know that you’re not forgotten. You might not be someone who is quick to reach out – but know that people care. You might feel like everyone else is connecting but you are truly isolated – but we’re in this together. You might feel like other people are too busy – but we should never be too busy to love.

There’s a story in Exodus where the Israelite army are fighting, and Moses stands watching, lifting his hands to heaven. And when his arms are raised, the Israelites start to win, and as his arms wearily drop, they begin to lose.

‘But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun’. – Exodus 17:12

Moses’ friends saw his weariness, and pulled up a seat, and sat beside him and held his arms up for him. And the Israelite army won the battle.

That’s the kind of friends we need. And that’s the kind of friend I want to be. The pull up a chair for you to sit on and hold your arms up for you kind of friend. So please don’t struggle alone in these isolation days. You’re not alone. Send a message, make a phone call. We need each other.

We gave the morning to making preparations. Hanging bunting and paper chains, adding to our chalked wall messages, and baking. Because we may have already had plenty of cake here, but Theo’s homework was to make butterfly cakes for VE Day, and what British party is complete without scones? My hope is I won’t have to make any other food for several days. You may wonder if I stockpiled flour, and the answer is no I didn’t. But on the one day that there was enormous amounts of strong white flour in Morrison’s, I bought a bag for me and one for a friend who didn’t then need it. And it turns out you can quite effectively swap both plain flour and self raising flour with strong bread flour. Who knew?!

Megan and Maisie’s preparations largely involved painting their nails patriotic colours. Especially when asked to help to do something. And Megan within about 5 minutes went back upstairs to take it all off again, because, it turns out, she doesn’t like the feel of it.

In a moment of fun I suggested we all wear red, white and blue. This inadvertently caused an almighty meltdown for Maddie, who despite the fact that last night she had decided she was going to wear a t shirt of those very colours today, now suddenly couldn’t bear the thought and hid in her bed. At which point I said I really didn’t mind what colours she wore, it was okay if she wore yellow, black and purple. Anyway eventually we got through it and she joined us for the two minute silence. In the original top.

It was so lovely to eat outside and enjoy the sunshine, to hear our neighbours laughing in their garden, and to have a family party on a Friday. In all honesty, were it not for lockdown, I don’t know if we’d have done a lot for VE Day. Liam was due to work the bank holiday, and I probably would have been stressed out from two birthdays, parties at the weekend, and another one to come, that it would have been the thing to get missed out.

But I’m so glad we took part. Our street is unfortunately not prone to social interaction, but it was good to watch the BBCs programmes, and to see the historical footage of what VE Day meant to those there 75 years ago. And to do it together, to help the children understand some of their history, to see Toby’s fascination growing as what he’s been studying comes to life. And to be thankful again for those who sacrificed for our freedom.

The afternoon involved re-filling the paddling pool, and large amounts of chilling in the garden.

It also involved avoiding water pistols. Easier said than done.

And running around making bubbles. Which I thought it would be fun to lie down and take pictures of, and Liam enjoyed how much bubble mixture could be dripped on my head in the process. Still, sometimes you have to suffer for your art.

It can be a bit of a daily battle to extract the older three from their hibernation in the house, so I have to lure them out with frequent food. And then sit with them until I feel they’ve gained sufficient vitamin D to sustain them for another day. Although the hammocks are proving a helpful asset in this.

This morning a friend called for a socially distant chat after doing her food shop and left peonies on the doorstep, my absolute favourite flower. I love their softness, their fluffiness, the shade of pink, the fragrance, the way they open into a billowy cloud of pastel heaven. Sorry, I might be getting carried away, but I do really love peonies. And the fact that my friend remembered. But more than anything, I love to see people’s faces, and chat in real life. Because nothing quite matches up to that interaction.

After we put the little ones to bed this evening we heard that the Welsh government are extending lockdown for another three weeks. It’s not a surprise, but it’s not easy to hear either. And yet, having watched the stories from the war, and trying to imagine what six years of blackouts and air raids and missing loved ones must have felt like, makes these weeks seem very little in comparison.

Today was about being grateful for sacrifice, and celebrating freedom. Which in some ways felt a little ironic, at a time when we’re so restricted. And yet in many ways it was also a timely reminder to me of how much I have to be grateful for, living with freedom of speech, in comfort, with more than enough food, in safety, with my loved ones, and able to easily connect with those I’m missing. Freedom is no small thing. And freedom costs. I don’t celebrate war, but I’m grateful for those who sacrificed for our freedom.

And I’m beyond grateful to the Jesus, who paid the ultimate sacrifice for freedom. Who gave His life so that I can be free. So that I can have hope. So that I can have community. I kept thinking of the words to one of mine and Maddie’s favourite songs today:

‘Who am I that the highest King
Would welcome me?
I was lost but He brought me in
Oh His love for me
Oh His love for me

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

Free at last, He has ransomed me
His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin
Jesus died for me
Yes He died for me

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am.’ (Hillsong).

Freed. To be loved, and to love.

‘For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another’. – Galatians 5:13

Celebrating freedom was special today, but it left me feeling challenged too. To use my freedom for good. To make sacrifices count. To not waste it by being inward looking, but to choose to love. And with more weeks locked down, there will be plenty of opportunities to be creative in loving those distant, and even more opportunities to choose to love those in my home.

Today was a wobbly day. There were definitely some post birthday blues hanging over us. Whilst the boys were counting caterpillars on a leaf, Maddie and I were attempting a maths challenge. It was a struggle. And today I wasn’t the parent who could work through the layers of obstacles to the learning. Today I felt like the emotional punch bag for several of my children at different points. One didn’t want to work, another was stubbornly refusing to stop despite needing to take a break. And for whatever reason, despite my efforts to be understanding and fair and gentle, it didn’t feel like I could help.

But Daddy could. And they worked through that task together, and I watched and was grateful.

Yesterday in an unusual moment of proactive parenting, I prepared a game for today, which was a big hit. I froze blocks of coloured ice with little toys in, and this morning I dropped them on the tray, gave the kids syringes and water, and they squirted away to melt the ice.

Of course the delicate syringe squirting didn’t give fast enough results, so one headed for the water gun option, and the other went straight for the massive rock smashing technique. Simple, but effective. Sadly the plate didn’t make it. Still, for five minutes preparation, it provided a good amount of entertainment and satisfactory levels of wetness for my water loving people.

Micah’s clothes didn’t fare too well in that game, but he didn’t seem to mind too much.

The older children were perturbed by his exhibitionism however, and felt he needed a modesty outfit.

Two birthdays were not enough for one week, in lockdown you take any opportunity for a party to break things up, so Toby and I started prepping for VE Day festivities. He enjoys helping in the kitchen, and pastry making is always a fun baking experience.

Since Megan’s birthday her hammock has been the cause of much envy from her younger siblings, but Liam seems to have a secret stash of them, which went down well with this pair.

It turns out one can’t keep consuming cake indefinitely without it having an impact on the hips. Joe Wicks wasn’t keeping our class under control enough to be worthy of actual exercise, so I took the plunge and did Session 1 of Couch to 5k tonight. I’m pleased to report that I neither collapsed or was assaulted, both of which are my genuine fears when considering exercise. And I actually did enjoy it, I think I might be at ‘couch with the odd trip to the fridge’ level of fitness, rather than total couch potato, which is a relief.

It helped my head to get out for a bit too. I don’t obsess over the media these days, but I keep a vague eye on what’s happening, and it feels like there have been such mixed messages this week about what might happen. And I started to feel anxious about it. I neither want it to last a long time, nor do I feel ready to go back to ‘normal’ life. Someone asked recently what we’d lost and gained in lockdown, and I’ve been pondering that this week, One of the things I’m grateful for is the lack of time pressure. To not be fighting to get everyone out of the house early in the morning, then racing back and forth to nursery and schools, to after school clubs, and back out after dinner. But my fear is that I don’t know if that can or will change greatly when life starts up again. And the thought of that makes me anxious.

So I went out, of my house, of my estate, and saw the hills and the sun starting to set, and lifted my eyes back up and gained some perspective again. I don’t know what tomorrow or the next weeks hold, and I don’t need to know. I’m so grateful that we’re still together, still safe, we still have all we need. And God still knows what’s going on. So I hold onto this verse from Hebrews tonight, trusting that the One who created the beautiful sunsets is here with me in the good days and the weary wobbly days.

‘Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’ Hebrews 4:16