This morning I woke up and had no idea where I was. I knew I wasn’t on my side of the bed, and vaguely thought I’d swapped and was on Liam’s side. But there was a wall next to my head and a crocheted bat named Batty tickling my ear. And eventually I realised I was in Theo’s bed. Finally it all came flooding back. Maddie had wandered in relatively early in the night, but because she’s had a tricky couple of days, we let her stay in with us. At some point Micah joined us, and Liam got pushed out so I swapped to his side where Maddie was and let him have my side. And then Theo wandered in. At which point I left and took refuge from the invasion in Theo’s bed.

But now I was awake, it was all very well knowing where I was, but as for what day, I was clueless. The whole Bank Holiday Monday on a Friday thing threw me completely and it took me until about 11am to work out what was going on.

It also took that long to try and get everyone dressed. Micah still wasn’t keen, and hid on his bed at every stage of the process, requiring persuasion in the form of a FaceTime with Grandma to finally get him to cooperate.

Today involved a lot of playing in the garden. Hammocks, horses, hot and sticky little people. Theo got a bit cranky at one point and threatened that if I didn’t do what he wanted then I’d be dead, and also we wouldn’t have a puppy. He then had an apparent attack of conscience and retracted, ‘ok we’ll have a puppy, just NO horse.’ Ok then. But I’ll still be dead, it seems.

Micah has a runny nose, again, and once again I’m wondering how on earth it’s possible to catch a cold when you’ve been in isolation for 54 days. I generously offered to be the one to sit with him on the sofa after lunch, and he was asleep before the Tiger who came to tea had even had time to eat a sandwich.

Which gave me a chance to finish sewing up a bear with no name. And to start pondering what to make next.

However there were more pressing matters to attend to. Our poor bunny Jelly Beans, had run out of food and I hadn’t managed to get any on the food shop, so Liam said he’d go to Morrisons. The thing was, he hadn’t been to a shop since the start of lockdown. His wallet had a layer of dust on it. He’d never used the new Visa card he’d got for our new account, so we had to locate the letter with the PIN number on it. Then I talked him through the supermarket protocol. About half an hour later, he finally left.

Whilst he was out I extracted the older children and sat in the garden with them. My mission, alongside them breathing fresh air, was to find out what we can get Maisie for her 13th birthday. Overly demanding children are challenging, but when it comes to celebrations, the easily pleased child can be equally as tricky, especially when there’s less than 3 week between the birthdays and there’s a degree of pressure to not let her look like the forgotten one at the end of the month. I’m not sure I’m any clearer on what to get her, but it was a nice half an hour with them before they retreated back into their dens.

Our after dinner walk was made a whole heap more exciting thanks to the creativity of someone else on our estate. This was a real hit, and we had to do several circuits before going home for bath time. And then I pushed myself around couch to 5k again, always less fun the second time around.

I missed family and friends today. I missed hanging out and having real catch ups. I felt sad for those going through really tough stuff and feeling helpless in being able to support them. I worry about the ones I don’t hear much from. I wanted to hug those who feel alone. But whoever you are and wherever you are, know that you’re not forgotten. You might not be someone who is quick to reach out – but know that people care. You might feel like everyone else is connecting but you are truly isolated – but we’re in this together. You might feel like other people are too busy – but we should never be too busy to love.

There’s a story in Exodus where the Israelite army are fighting, and Moses stands watching, lifting his hands to heaven. And when his arms are raised, the Israelites start to win, and as his arms wearily drop, they begin to lose.

‘But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun’. – Exodus 17:12

Moses’ friends saw his weariness, and pulled up a seat, and sat beside him and held his arms up for him. And the Israelite army won the battle.

That’s the kind of friends we need. And that’s the kind of friend I want to be. The pull up a chair for you to sit on and hold your arms up for you kind of friend. So please don’t struggle alone in these isolation days. You’re not alone. Send a message, make a phone call. We need each other.

We gave the morning to making preparations. Hanging bunting and paper chains, adding to our chalked wall messages, and baking. Because we may have already had plenty of cake here, but Theo’s homework was to make butterfly cakes for VE Day, and what British party is complete without scones? My hope is I won’t have to make any other food for several days. You may wonder if I stockpiled flour, and the answer is no I didn’t. But on the one day that there was enormous amounts of strong white flour in Morrison’s, I bought a bag for me and one for a friend who didn’t then need it. And it turns out you can quite effectively swap both plain flour and self raising flour with strong bread flour. Who knew?!

Megan and Maisie’s preparations largely involved painting their nails patriotic colours. Especially when asked to help to do something. And Megan within about 5 minutes went back upstairs to take it all off again, because, it turns out, she doesn’t like the feel of it.

In a moment of fun I suggested we all wear red, white and blue. This inadvertently caused an almighty meltdown for Maddie, who despite the fact that last night she had decided she was going to wear a t shirt of those very colours today, now suddenly couldn’t bear the thought and hid in her bed. At which point I said I really didn’t mind what colours she wore, it was okay if she wore yellow, black and purple. Anyway eventually we got through it and she joined us for the two minute silence. In the original top.

It was so lovely to eat outside and enjoy the sunshine, to hear our neighbours laughing in their garden, and to have a family party on a Friday. In all honesty, were it not for lockdown, I don’t know if we’d have done a lot for VE Day. Liam was due to work the bank holiday, and I probably would have been stressed out from two birthdays, parties at the weekend, and another one to come, that it would have been the thing to get missed out.

But I’m so glad we took part. Our street is unfortunately not prone to social interaction, but it was good to watch the BBCs programmes, and to see the historical footage of what VE Day meant to those there 75 years ago. And to do it together, to help the children understand some of their history, to see Toby’s fascination growing as what he’s been studying comes to life. And to be thankful again for those who sacrificed for our freedom.

The afternoon involved re-filling the paddling pool, and large amounts of chilling in the garden.

It also involved avoiding water pistols. Easier said than done.

And running around making bubbles. Which I thought it would be fun to lie down and take pictures of, and Liam enjoyed how much bubble mixture could be dripped on my head in the process. Still, sometimes you have to suffer for your art.

It can be a bit of a daily battle to extract the older three from their hibernation in the house, so I have to lure them out with frequent food. And then sit with them until I feel they’ve gained sufficient vitamin D to sustain them for another day. Although the hammocks are proving a helpful asset in this.

This morning a friend called for a socially distant chat after doing her food shop and left peonies on the doorstep, my absolute favourite flower. I love their softness, their fluffiness, the shade of pink, the fragrance, the way they open into a billowy cloud of pastel heaven. Sorry, I might be getting carried away, but I do really love peonies. And the fact that my friend remembered. But more than anything, I love to see people’s faces, and chat in real life. Because nothing quite matches up to that interaction.

After we put the little ones to bed this evening we heard that the Welsh government are extending lockdown for another three weeks. It’s not a surprise, but it’s not easy to hear either. And yet, having watched the stories from the war, and trying to imagine what six years of blackouts and air raids and missing loved ones must have felt like, makes these weeks seem very little in comparison.

Today was about being grateful for sacrifice, and celebrating freedom. Which in some ways felt a little ironic, at a time when we’re so restricted. And yet in many ways it was also a timely reminder to me of how much I have to be grateful for, living with freedom of speech, in comfort, with more than enough food, in safety, with my loved ones, and able to easily connect with those I’m missing. Freedom is no small thing. And freedom costs. I don’t celebrate war, but I’m grateful for those who sacrificed for our freedom.

And I’m beyond grateful to the Jesus, who paid the ultimate sacrifice for freedom. Who gave His life so that I can be free. So that I can have hope. So that I can have community. I kept thinking of the words to one of mine and Maddie’s favourite songs today:

‘Who am I that the highest King
Would welcome me?
I was lost but He brought me in
Oh His love for me
Oh His love for me

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

Free at last, He has ransomed me
His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin
Jesus died for me
Yes He died for me

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am.’ (Hillsong).

Freed. To be loved, and to love.

‘For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another’. – Galatians 5:13

Celebrating freedom was special today, but it left me feeling challenged too. To use my freedom for good. To make sacrifices count. To not waste it by being inward looking, but to choose to love. And with more weeks locked down, there will be plenty of opportunities to be creative in loving those distant, and even more opportunities to choose to love those in my home.

Today was a wobbly day. There were definitely some post birthday blues hanging over us. Whilst the boys were counting caterpillars on a leaf, Maddie and I were attempting a maths challenge. It was a struggle. And today I wasn’t the parent who could work through the layers of obstacles to the learning. Today I felt like the emotional punch bag for several of my children at different points. One didn’t want to work, another was stubbornly refusing to stop despite needing to take a break. And for whatever reason, despite my efforts to be understanding and fair and gentle, it didn’t feel like I could help.

But Daddy could. And they worked through that task together, and I watched and was grateful.

Yesterday in an unusual moment of proactive parenting, I prepared a game for today, which was a big hit. I froze blocks of coloured ice with little toys in, and this morning I dropped them on the tray, gave the kids syringes and water, and they squirted away to melt the ice.

Of course the delicate syringe squirting didn’t give fast enough results, so one headed for the water gun option, and the other went straight for the massive rock smashing technique. Simple, but effective. Sadly the plate didn’t make it. Still, for five minutes preparation, it provided a good amount of entertainment and satisfactory levels of wetness for my water loving people.

Micah’s clothes didn’t fare too well in that game, but he didn’t seem to mind too much.

The older children were perturbed by his exhibitionism however, and felt he needed a modesty outfit.

Two birthdays were not enough for one week, in lockdown you take any opportunity for a party to break things up, so Toby and I started prepping for VE Day festivities. He enjoys helping in the kitchen, and pastry making is always a fun baking experience.

Since Megan’s birthday her hammock has been the cause of much envy from her younger siblings, but Liam seems to have a secret stash of them, which went down well with this pair.

It turns out one can’t keep consuming cake indefinitely without it having an impact on the hips. Joe Wicks wasn’t keeping our class under control enough to be worthy of actual exercise, so I took the plunge and did Session 1 of Couch to 5k tonight. I’m pleased to report that I neither collapsed or was assaulted, both of which are my genuine fears when considering exercise. And I actually did enjoy it, I think I might be at ‘couch with the odd trip to the fridge’ level of fitness, rather than total couch potato, which is a relief.

It helped my head to get out for a bit too. I don’t obsess over the media these days, but I keep a vague eye on what’s happening, and it feels like there have been such mixed messages this week about what might happen. And I started to feel anxious about it. I neither want it to last a long time, nor do I feel ready to go back to ‘normal’ life. Someone asked recently what we’d lost and gained in lockdown, and I’ve been pondering that this week, One of the things I’m grateful for is the lack of time pressure. To not be fighting to get everyone out of the house early in the morning, then racing back and forth to nursery and schools, to after school clubs, and back out after dinner. But my fear is that I don’t know if that can or will change greatly when life starts up again. And the thought of that makes me anxious.

So I went out, of my house, of my estate, and saw the hills and the sun starting to set, and lifted my eyes back up and gained some perspective again. I don’t know what tomorrow or the next weeks hold, and I don’t need to know. I’m so grateful that we’re still together, still safe, we still have all we need. And God still knows what’s going on. So I hold onto this verse from Hebrews tonight, trusting that the One who created the beautiful sunsets is here with me in the good days and the weary wobbly days.

‘Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’ Hebrews 4:16

I get nostalgic over birthdays. So many memories. So many feelings. I wrote a blog post last year called ‘Birth Days’ all about my thoughts surrounding these celebrations and the complex range of emotions they can raise.

Obviously we weren’t there for Maddie’s birth. Or her first birthday. On her second birthday she hadn’t been with us for long, so we kept it simple with a party in the garden with faces that were becoming familiar to her. She was still bum shuffling at that point, petrified of babies and the bath and unexpected movement. And we had no idea that by her third birthday we’d be calling her our daughter.

But here we already are, on her sixth birthday. Six always feels like you’re losing the littleness of your person a bit more. Over the hill towards ten, they get a bit sassier and more opinionated and cheekier. But at the same time a bit more of who they are becoming is showing through. And that’s exciting, as you learn more of what makes them excited or scared or gives them fits of giggles.

At six, Maddie loves little fiddly things. The little girl who has never before been able to tell me anything at all that she’d like for a birthday or Christmas, named LOL dolls as the only thing on her list, much to my dismay. Apart from being hugely overpriced, they come with insanely ridiculous amounts of plastic packaging which I know would cause an eco warrior a heart attack. But she actually named something she wanted! And this is a breakthrough, for someone who lost all her worldly possessions and people overnight, to have a sense of trusting that the thing she asks for will stay long enough to make it worthwhile asking for. And because I’m a complete soft touch I bought them, obviously. And they were played with all day, shown to numerous people on FaceTime and at the door, and it was worth it for that smile when she opened the paper.

Also featuring highly for this six year old were books, she loves learning and stories and facts – especially about nature. She absolutely loves horses, so they were there on the cake, in the stories, and to play with. Craft and the new found love of sewing has also provided a few things to entertain in the next few weeks. And of course what six year old doesn’t receive a pair of ‘high eels’ as Theo calls them, to risk breaking their neck on as they learn to master walking in them.

Pancakes were Maddie’s breakfast choice, much to everyone’s delight. After breakfast the older children settled down to work, and the younger ones played with the new things. There were of course, a few upsets. Theo’s birthday definitely feels far too far away for his liking, and everything Maddie has is now on his birthday list. But on the whole, there were enough new interests to keep them playing and happy.

And with the very gorgeous weather today, it wasn’t a great hardship to chill in the garden in between being nominated phone holder for a very popular little lady’s birthday FaceTimes, in which she showed several callers everything she had, how it worked, and kept running back and forth to show and tell other new things off.

We had a little party planned for once the older girls had finished work, so we were finding things to keep the younger ones occupied at a fractious time of day. So I, having seen some random parenting hack at some point, suggested a zip line for the toys, and Liam, never one to say no to something that involves harnesses, ropes, knots and carabiners, set to work. The videos are hilarious, but if you look closely on the photo you can see the naked doll making her descent from the bathroom window to the climbing frame. This game kept them entertained for a good while. I’m not sure what the neighbours thought though.

Once again, the benefits of a big family are a ready made party group for the games. We played a diabolical game of Duck, duck, goose, where Micah had a meltdown, Theo chose Maddie every time, and I forgot who was supposed to chase who. Musical chairs was fairly successful, except for Toby sitting on Theo’s hand at the end, which left Theo crying because his hand hurt, and Toby complaining over how hard Theo’s hand was when he sat on it. Musical statues was all sorts of hilarious to watch. But probably the most successful was the ancient Kim’s Game which we used to play at parties at home in the 80s. Sometimes simple really is best.

The party moved on to cake, of course. Amusingly, when I was baking the cake yesterday, I was intending to make a vanilla sponge with coloured layers. Partly for fun, partly because Megan’s cake is very chocolate based. Anyway as I was absent mindedly putting the ingredients in the mixer, I suddenly realised I’d added cocoa powder with the flour without really noticing. So we ended up with another chocolate cake by default really. It’s a good job we like it.

It was a good day. Lockdown birthdays of course haven’t been what we’d have planned, but I have really enjoyed them. In normal years I feel overwhelmed by how we fit in celebrating 3 girls in one month, with all the different things they’d like to do, family we’d like to see, and trying to make them all feel special. It’s been hard not to see family properly, but the pressure has felt much less. To go back to a simple way of celebrating has been surprisingly fun and full of sweet moments. Maddie would have been in school today, but instead her school friends made little videos and the mums sent them through on WhatsApp – moments I would have missed had we not been at home together. The excitement of the FaceTime calls, parcels through the post, and visitors on the driveway hold a greater novelty when your expectations for a birthday are lowered.

And most of all, we got to be with this girl today to celebrate her. Which I don’t take for granted at all. I was thinking yesterday about Hannah in the Bible, who was desperate to have a child, so went to the temple and cried to God for a baby. She made a promise that if she conceived, she would give that child back to God’s service when he was born. And when she gave birth to Samuel, she said:

27 ‘For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.
28 Therefore I have lent him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD.’- 1 Samuel 1:27-28

I often see that quote ‘for this child I prayed’, on adoption prints. And it’s beautiful and true, for both birth and adopted children. When we put ourselves forward for the adoption of the little ones, they’d been living with us for 6 months, and they absolutely had our hearts. We had to wait another 8 months before we were approved at panel to adopt them, and it was 22 months after they’d arrived that the adoption order was legally granted in court. At any time in that 22 months, the judge could have changed the plan for them, and we would have had no choice but to move them on, trusting God for their futures and for our broken hearts. So there were many many prayers prayed for this child.

But the second half of Hannah’s words often get missed off the word art prints. ‘Therefore I have lent him to the Lord.’ As much as I love my children, God loves them even more. As much as I make plans I think are good for them, His plans are greater than mine. And as much as I dream and hope and desire for them and their futures, I don’t ever want to hold onto them so tightly that they aren’t free to spread their wings and become who they’ve been created to be, given back to the One who gave them to me.

Maddie and I were awake before 7, ready to party. Micah and Toby joined us around 7:30, at which point I’d starting hanging more banners. Gradually other family members drifted down, until at 8:30 I decided enough was enough, teen or no teen, we were waking the birthday girl. So I bravely sent Theo and Micah in to do it for me.

Theo’s favourite bedtime story lately has been the vintage edition of Topsy and Tim’s Baby Brother, where the family adopt a new baby boy. This is only the explanation I can give for why he decided to wake Megan up by announcing loudly (and completely falsely) ‘We’re going to have a new baby brother!’ To which she looked very excited, and I had to quickly explain that no, that’s not the case. Then received an interrogation from Megan and Theo as to why we couldn’t or wouldn’t be providing them with a new sibling. I felt like all birthday presents we had to offer were somehow going to be a disappointment after that kind of wake up.

Thankfully the hammock distracted them from the topic and we moved seamlessly into present opening without further ado. I take a lot of photos, and I occasionally get grief from my family over it. But I love looking back at the birthdays over the years, and seeing what they were into at that time. At 14, with a hammock from us and a beanbag chair from my mum, alongside the sofa moving fiasco of the last couple of weeks, there definitely seems to be a theme of lounging! Harry Potter still features, and this year One Direction and Taron Egerton were new additions to current interests.

We did our best with a lockdown substitute for McDonald’s breakfast, with sausage and egg muffins, hash browns and milkshakes. McLurker’s didn’t do too badly at all on their opening day.

There were definitely pros to a lockdown birthday in regards to loosening the homeschool reigns for today. The birthday girl just did what needed to be completed today, and then made the most of the sunshine. And employing younger siblings to swing the hammock for her.

However it wasn’t that easy to find activities to replace a 14 year old’s birthday plans, that, let’s face it, would not have featured siblings and parents high on the guest list. So we opted for splitting into two teams and doing a photo scavenger hunt around the estate. It took a good half an hour to establish suitable team members, working out what would be a good dynamic and fair on the responsible parent, whilst taking preferences into account.

Basically we realised we weren’t going to please everyone. So we allotted the teams anyway, and headed off. Most things were not too hard to find, and friends were obliging at having a socially distanced photograph taken. But it turned out there wasn’t a cat to be seen on the whole estate.

So we got home and improvised to claim our win. The other team reckoned it was a draw, but we got back first so I choose to believe we won.

It turns out the cat thing got a bit out of hand however. In hindsight that may not have been the wisest thing to teach them. 14 years in and still achieving parenting fails on a daily basis!

Cookie dough was the other theme to feature highly in this year’s birthday gift and food requests, so this was a Cookie Dough frosted chocolate cake. It went down well, but we’ve got a second cake coming tomorrow for birthday number two, and even we might not manage that amount of cake in isolation. If you’re local and random cake parcels appear on your doorstep, ask no questions, just eat up.

Family zoom time happened to help celebrate, with a particularly disjointed rendition of happy birthday, and sufficiently awkward conversations between the teens, their cousins, aunties and grandparents. This was followed by a driveway visit from Nanny, and another aunty and cousin. It’s lovely to see everyone and the efforts people will go to to still show their love on birthdays.

Dinner was Dominos, as per the birthday girl’s request, and I’m always happy to not cook for a night. Then it was time to settle the younger ones before getting ready for Maddie’s birthday and then settling down with the big kids for Megan’s film choice of Eddie the Eagle.

It was a late night and they were just heading for bed when the girls suddenly decided it was a good night to start questioning when they could have their phones in their room at night. My heart sank. The last thing you want on a birthday is to end with an argument, but we weren’t going to be making that kind of decision on a whim either. The comical point came when one child who wasn’t happy with the decision decided to set a 3am alarm to go off in our bedroom in revenge. Only they then had an attack of conscience, cancelled it, and lay on my lap despairing over their guilt and wishing they’d gone through with it. Which made us all laugh. We finished the night with hugs, and I prayed a silent and tired thank you for managing to maintain a peaceful end to a happy day.

Birthdays are fun and exhausting too. And they often involve all kinds of emotions and sugar highs and tiredness and jealousy from other siblings, and strange feelings for them and us over different children’s stories and the whole complex dynamic of a birth you weren’t present at. So as much as I love celebrating I’m weary too, and praying that Maddie’s birthday tomorrow brings more happiness than tricky moments, more laughter than tears, more joy than battles. I love these verses someone sent me the other day from Isaiah, reminding me of the gentle Shepherd who’s with us on the rollercoaster of parenting:

‘He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.’ – Isaiah 40:11

Tonight I’m resting in His arms, gaining the strength to open my arms wide again for my children tomorrow.

We started today as normal, I set tasks, everyone looked at me and said ‘no’. Well, that’s not fair – Megan and Maisie now work upstairs and I’m assured they were working. Toby cracked on with his. Theo point blank refused. I finally convinced him after showing him pictures of his nursery teacher’s cat that she REALLY wanted to see him do his hunt for things starting with C.

It went along the lines of me saying ‘oh look Theo! There’s something with four wheels! Yes, it’s a car! What sounds does car start with? C-ar?! Yes! It’s a C!’

Maddie, who should be doing her work but insists it is much much too boring, is following us around thrusting appropriate objects beginning with c at him, whilst I try and remove them so he actually learns something, whilst trying to get her to go and finish her work, much to her objection.

So then we moved on. He picks up a horse. Me: ‘Theo, what sounds does horse start with? Is it a c?’ Theo: ‘no, it’s a hor.’

I despair.

Anyway we finally got a tray of objects, we formed a letter c, and boom. Task done.

Megan and Toby had piano lessons via zoom this morning, so we had to keep everyone else out of the lounge and reasonably quiet. This is harder than you’d think. I set up the laptop for their lesson using the trolley we put the morning snacks on. Liam starting getting snacks out to distract them from the lounge, at which point Theo had an almighty meltdown because the trolley wasn’t there, and how on earth could he have the snacks if they weren’t on the usual trolley?

Once we’d calmed him down, and the second piano lesson was beginning, Liam agreed to play a game with them. ‘Pigs in Pants’ was the game of choice, much to his delight. I think the game lasted 35 seconds exactly before carnage ensued and Liam regretted his offer.

Maddie’s very into scavenger hunts, which was helpful as one of her school tasks was to find blue objects. Of course, what she does the two small boys copy, so one by one they came and asked for a bag, and trotted off to hunt.

I’ve spent the rest of the day looking for things, realising they are blue, and having to hunt down the bags. The four blue pencils from my colouring pencils set? In the bag. Micah’s drink? In the bag. I’m just glad it wasn’t a repeat of the one where they took all the remote controls and the car keys. That was a fun day.

Tomorrow is Megan’s birthday, and Wednesday is Maddie’s, so I’ve spent large portions of the day wrapping presents and baking cakes. My lovely family have been very organised in sending gifts to the girls. Except they all arrived not yet wrapped. And as I type I’ve just remembered another one that’s in a safe hiding place still not wrapped. Whoops.

Birthdays always evoke a lot of memories don’t they? It’s hard to believe it was 14 years ago I was 41 hours into being induced with Megan, and it was just over 3 hours before she arrived. Liam thought I deliberately held on so that she wasn’t born on Star Wars day. I can guarantee there was no way I’d have slowed that episode down any longer than it had already taken. There are no jokes over the curse in the Garden of Eden on Eve and all woman kind – pregnancy, birth, and bringing children up is all sorts of painful at times.

But I don’t think it’s just the birthing of the child, that brings beauty and pain, it’s the birthing of a mother. I loved babies. I’d had more younger siblings than anyone I knew. I was a midwife. I really loved babies. I knew about babies. And then she arrived, and was absolutely nothing like I expected. And I didn’t feel anything like I expected. And I loved her but I didn’t know her or understand her. And that frightened me. And I felt so alone.

And here we are, on the eve of her fourteenth birthday, and she’s not the same as she was, and I’m definitely not the same as I was. She is the same height as me. She’s clever and loves reading and is arty and loves children. She still does things like paint rocks on her bed with nail varnish, which I used to tell her off for when she was 7, but now I accept as a lesser evil than posting inappropriate selfies on Instagram. Her sense of humour is hilarious and nothing like mine and she is very very tactile. And I am not. I told Liam yesterday the problem with children the same size as you coming at you for endless hugs and flopping on you with their crazy wild beautiful hair in your face is that they are actual adult human sized beings but they behave like children. And it reminded me of Elf, where the massive man-child sits on the tiny Papa Elf’s lap. But at the same time I’m grateful and I love that she still wants to hug us and get excited and tell us all about Bill Weasley and Liam Payne and memes and the film that made her cry and all the other random stuff I have to summon up the energy at 10pm to be interested in. Because it matters to her.

If there was one prayer I’d pray over her on her birthday, it would be the one I always wrote in our babies and foster babies Bibles, and prayed over them, the one my childhood pastor prayed over us at our dedications:

‘The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.’ – Numbers 6:24-26

And incidentally it’s the words of the UK Blessing song which is spreading on social media and is powerful and emotive and is bringing hope to our nation, because it’s how God feels about us. And if there’s any message I want Megan to know today, tomorrow, and as she grows into adulthood, it is how very loved she is.

‘The Lord bless you and keep you
Make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace.

May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children.

May His presence go before you
And behind you and beside you
All around you and within you
He is with you, He is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming and your going
In your weeping and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you.’ (Bethel music)

Happy birthday my beautiful firstborn, Megan Elizabeth. We are for you, and He is for you.

This morning Liam was on a zoom spin session on the driveway with friends. I can’t really get my head around any of that. Zoom is bad enough, zoom whilst on a spin bike seems crazy. And zoom whilst on a spin bike in the open air where neighbours may see you seems all shades of foolish. Which is why I sat in the bedroom and watched the kids empty all the happyland out again. This picture sums it all up nicely – Maddie and Theo having an animated conversation about Santa and fairies, and in the background, Micah climbing all around, up, over, and down the bunk bed.

We’ve developed a sort of system with online church now, we watch the introduction and worship from church, then have other worship via YouTube which normally involves lots of the kids favourites and I stick some of mine in too. Then we watch the Sunday school story and do the craft, and at some point later in the day – often over the washing up – Liam and I catch up on the message.

Today’s accompaniment included a xylophone, maracas, Liam on the cajon, and Maddie dancing with ribbons. Unfortunately Theo decided he wanted a song which absolutely none of us could work out what it was. And the more we tried and got it wrong, the more stressed he got. So it made for a somewhat more disjointed morning, involving various attempts to try and help soothe him whilst keeping everything going for everyone else. Thankfully, he loves baking, so the video of a family baking bread on the Sunday school lesson went down a treat.

And then the big people helped the small people make baskets to hold the five loaves and two fish, baskets which they were very proud of.

After lunch my head was aching and my back was aching and I felt really tired. But I knew it was probably more a case of lethargy and being in the house too much, than anything else. So we eventually persuaded everyone to get out for a walk.

It was Bluebell heaven for me. I have a soft spot for bluebells, probably going back to my vague childhood memories of when my Grandpa died on May 2nd, when I was six years old. In the week following his funeral, we filled jamjars full of bluebells and placed them on his grave, making beautiful memories of a poignant time for a small child.

3 years ago after the sudden arrival of Micah we moved into a street named after bluebells, and in May of that year, after we were approved to adopt, we had our first family photo session with all six children in amongst bluebells in the woods. So I guess in a lot of ways, for me they symbolise hope, quiet beauty in the midst of challenge, and family. And I hope that when my children are older, they’ll look back at this time and remember the Bluebell walks more than the lockdown disappointments.

Of course despite the idyllic photos every family adventure comes with its fair share of arguments, falls, and frustrations. For some reason every child has felt the need to hang off me or at the very least be within six inches of my face for the majority of the day. But there were logs to climb and horses to watch in the field, and we breathed fresh air and saw reminders that the seasons are still changing and the world is still turning, even 48 days into being isolated together.

The benefits of a good walk are the much needed cup of tea for the grown ups and telly time for the kids on the return home. After a family zoom for me in which we discussed hair cuts and dye, dinner plans and the mass May birthdays, I cooked a hugely indulgent plateful of Churros for pudding. Which has no doubt undone any good the walk did, but was delicious and comforting. And there are leftovers.

When we walked today Maddie and I were chatting about the sheep. And why Jesus describes people as sheep. And it reminded me of a time many years ago, when life went out of my control and I felt like I was falling apart. We were fostering a little one we’d had since a tiny baby, and over a year into the placement, the plans that were being made for that child took U-turn and it was very very hard. And I fought it and prayed and questioned and struggled. Because I loved that baby like my own.

Around that time I went on a retreat day, and the lady running it prayed with me. And as she prayed, she described a sheep, stuck on a rock face, clambering and scrambling to try and get to safety. But that whilst the sheep was struggling, it was putting itself in danger, and what it most needed to do was to stop. To stand still, and wait for the shepherd to come and carry it to safety.

That situation didn’t go my way, but God used it to teach me a lot about my desire for control and trust, and resting in His faithfulness and His timing. And that He loves each person and each child better than I ever can, and His care for them goes beyond what I am capable of. And when I look at our family now, the family He’s picked for us, I know His ways are better than mine.

In these tricky days, we’re being forced to stop, and rest, and wait for someone else to make a decision. And I still want to fight that. To try and plan how we’ll manage the days. What we’ll do if the job doesn’t work out. And I come out of this overweight and unkempt with a messy house. How we’ll transition anxious children back into school – and into school for the first time. What if people forget about me? Often my anxiety comes from a place of feeling out of control. But when I was watching the sheep, and remembering that hard but precious part of my story, I also remembered a verse from Exodus, when the Israelites are leaving Egypt, but Pharaoh has a change of heart and gathers an army to chase them to the Red Sea. And the Israelites panic. And Moses says to them:

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.””
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭14:13-14‬ ‭

To be still. Maybe the best thing I can do is to rest. To wait. To trust that God hasn’t stopped loving His people and rescuing His people. His timing is perfect. I can stop wrestling and stressing and fighting the challenges and fears, and just be still. The Shepherd will come. The God who parted the Red Sea for the Israelites to free them will come to us in our time of need and rescue us. We only need to be still.

I woke early today, before any of the kids, so I snuck down with Maddie when she woke up and we put the telly on. I actually quite like being the first one awake – in term time I set my alarm deliberately intending to wake up before anyone else just to get a possible ten minutes with a cup of tea before everything gets noisy – both outside and inside my head.

Lockdown me isn’t setting an early alarm, but I quite enjoy giving the kids a bit of tv before breakfast and having my cup of tea in relative peace. But today I sat back down after breakfast, picked up my crochet, and slowed down. Earlier in the week, Maddie’s reading book was the Hare and the Tortoise, which reminded me of the phrase we’re hearing a lot at the moment: ‘it’s a marathon, not a sprint.’ I think I tend to live life in the fast lane whether I want to or not, being busy and moving on to the next thing – and if things aren’t moving, then I’m worrying about what I need to do next. But life has slowed down now, and I’m starting to find enjoyment in that. To not feel like I should be doing the next thing, but to make the most of it, because who knows when we’ll get a time to slow down again? Maybe I’m learning some new things in lockdown.

Liam is always willing to give me time, I’m just never very good at asking for it. This morning he went upstairs with the younger kids, and a happyland town took over the bedroom.

The time spent sitting down and even indulging in the luxury of having a shower renewed me with a new zest for creating order, much to my family’s dismay. I ordered every bedroom floor to be tidied so that I could hoover the dust pit that is our house. Happily, some of the children indulged me. And in the meantime I put more boxes into storage and Liam hung pictures. 47 days into isolation and it feels like we’re just starting to do the jobs we haven’t managed to do in 3 years of living here. Which makes me wonder if we’d ever have got round to doing them in normal life.

Micah turned up dressed like this and demanding a jacket as well. He then started climbing in and out of the wardrobe on the landing. I was a little confused until he kept calling it his clock, and then the obvious dawned on me. He’s Andy from Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.

After lunch he traded occupations and turned into Dean the window cleaner. I’m grateful Dean comes to clean the windows that the kids have made dirty by pretending to be Dean.

Later on they took the never ending streams of teddies outside to live in the semi-built chicken coop. I’d be okay with leaving the teddies to live there actually, but they did all reappear in the house before bedtime. Which was a swift process tonight so we could continue watching the Marvel films. Toby is giving us all an education on Saturday nights, I can’t say my heart is completely in it though. Still, four films down, 950 to go.

My lovely sister sent me this today and it got me thinking again about all the things I’m grateful for. And all the people I’m grateful for. Some days being grateful comes easily.

But other days it’s not so easy is it? On hard days or lonely days. In isolation or surrounded by people. Some days we can have everything we need and still feel like we’re lacking. I read a book several years ago when I was struggling to see all the good things I had. It was called 1000 Gifts, and the author, Ann Voskamp, challenged herself to find 3 things every day she was thankful for. And it changed her whole mindset. And it changed mine, too.

And I think that’s partly why writing this daily blog has been so helpful. Because even at the end of a tough day, when I look back through pictures of the children playing or learning or a walk together, or see the messages or gifts I’ve been sent in the day, I can’t help but be grateful. Or even as I just remember the food I’ve eaten and the fact I’m still at home and healthy. And on the days when it’s a fight to be joyful, my safety is a gift, and the breath I breathe is a gift. There is always something to be thankful for.

‘Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.’ – Psalm 16:1&2, 9, 11.

Some mornings having a choice of clothes can just prove too much. Of course, it’s not really the clothes choosing that is the issue. It almost certainly comes from a place of heightened anxiety. You know when you’re in a restaurant and the waiter is coming nearer and you can’t choose what you want to eat, and the closer they get the harder it is to get your brain into gear and be able to pick? I think it’s a bit like that. When a child had early trauma, their brain is wired to be on high alert – the feeling of uncertainty or fear or sadness quickly turns to fight, flight, or freeze. So on some days, when there’s a choice to make, it’s just too hard.

One of the things I’m grateful for in these lockdown days is the lack of needing to be somewhere. On a school day, when I’m trying to get everyone out of the house at a set time, a panic over which socks to wear can raise my anxiety levels through the roof too. But today as I was tempted to get frustrated, I remembered that really, there is no rush today. I watched that little face, and I decided to sit on the floor as well. And agree that it’s all pretty hard isn’t it. All the change and not seeing people we love and things being different. And it’s okay today to just stay in pyjamas until we can figure out what to wear later.

Once we’d sorted the clothing crisis we moved on. Counting with Cheerios proved popular this morning. Although I’m not sure the maths was entirely correct, as the Cheerios kept mysteriously disappearing.

The teddy situation took a turn for the worse today, as Toby also decided to start emptying his teddy hoard and bring them downstairs.

This upside of this was that it turned into a game where they buried each other under the teddies, and filmed each other jumping out, which bought me at least one cup of tea and a string of WhatsApp message replying, the measure of successful entertainment these days.

We’ve established that only one parent can really get on with a job at any point, and as Liam offered to finish the very top landing painting (which I begun over a year ago and neither of us could face finishing!), I was the supervising parent on duty most of today. Which, other than the mediation role frequently required, can be quite entertaining to listen to them playing. Theo started angrily wrapping a scarf around the piano stool, shouting that he was ‘fighting the bad guys-they keep spreading germs everywhere!’ If only it were that simple.

The pros of being on duty parent are sitting down for chill out movie time in the afternoon, something I would never have done before lockdown. We’re working our way through Disney plus, but Micah watches about as much of most films as my mum does in the evenings. I enjoyed starting a new crochet project, and he enjoyed his nap. A win win situation.

We had the most exciting meal of the last month today – freshly cooked fish and chips delivered to our door from my lovely mother and sister in law. It was every bit as stunning as I’d been dreaming it would be.

After dinner we went for our walk around the block, accompanied by a flip flop wearing, toenails painted firefighter. He walked like I do in high heels for the whole thing, leading me to vow to check his footwear next time. Mum sent some scavenger hunt cards, which proved a great asset to making the same streets much more exciting this time.

Of course for Theo the most exciting thing of all was the big hole at the end of our drive, due to welsh water having to fix a leak – and having to get the gas company involved because of a big pipe (technical terminology I know. I couldn’t really hear what he was saying because he insisted on standing at the end of the driveway for some reason). Anyway the crater was fascinating to Theo, who started asking all about it, moving onto ‘how will they get me out when I fall down it?’ Not if, when. It doesn’t bode well, does it?

So my pyjama wearing child never did pick any clothes today, she did the evening walk in them, and changed into clean pjs for the night. And that was just fine. Parenting is quite the journey, with all of our children, isn’t it? From the first night we brought Megan home, where she screamed on the hour every hour the entire night, it’s continually a learning curve, of lowering expectations, understanding priorities, gaining perspective, and learning to listen and study instead of lecture and making judgements.

Parenting adopted children in many ways is the same and in many ways is very different. And there are reams I could write about that. But today as I reflected on the morning’s stresses, it reminded me, as it often does, of how parenting continually keeps showing me more of God’s kindness, patience, and gentle understanding toward me.

I love these verses in Hosea, showing a God who loves His children despite the hurt they cause Him, despite their brokenness and ignorance at the way He’s saving them from their own foolishness.

1 ‘When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.
2 The more they were called, the more they went away; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols.
3 Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them.
4 I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them’. – Hosea 11:1-4

Tonight Theo desperately wanted me to give him an inhaler when Micah had his. He stropped and sulked, and couldn’t understand why my saying no to medicine he didn’t need was keeping him safe, caring for him, and protecting him. And that’s why I love that phrase in Hosea – ‘I took them up by their arms, but they didn’t know I healed them.’

So often I find myself explaining things to the children or reminding them of my love for them and what that means – ‘I’m saying no because I love you and want you to be safe’, or ‘you don’t need to be afraid because I’m here with you’, or, ‘I promise there will always be food for you’. And as I say it, I hear God’s reminders to me. That He is my Father who loves me, is providing for me, is keeping me safe, and who knows what I need. And that’s as true in these months of isolation as it ever has been.