Liam left on his mission to collect our new family members this morning, which meant I attempted to do some schoolwork with the children whilst he was gone. If either parent leaves the house these days, it creates high levels of drama purely from the rarity of it. When I go shopping it requires several rounds of hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’ and ‘I’ll miss you’ and ‘please don’t be a long time.’ So the fact that Liam was going on a far more exciting errand made the hyper levels go through the roof.

Maddie had a story to listen to, so I decided the best option was to increase my class size and read it to all three of them. The boys then played Bingo using ladybird spots, and Maddie made her way through a wordsearch.

Fortunately we finished a few tasks before Liam walked back in, because there was no way much work was happening once these three girls arrived in the house.

Introducing Coconut, Hazlenut, and Peanut, three very freshly hatched Cream Legbar chicks. Peanut was by far the newest, still trying to fluff up her down and very sleepy when she arrived.

Obviously they provided an awful lot of entertainment, and after a brief initial cuddle from each child we put them safely in their cage to warm up under the lamp.

And children intermittently came and stationed themselves to observe the proceedings. It’s been decided already that Coconut is attempting to be the big boss, with Peanut Butter, as Micah is calling her, being the often picked on smallest sibling, who every now and then jumps up and shouts about it, and Hazlenut looks aloof and disinterested. Occasionally they just look like little drunk old ladies, standing swaying, falling over nothing, and having a snooze in their dinner dish.

After lunch we gave the chicks some peace, and went outside to build a magpie nest following the instructions from Maddie’s story. After a few complaints that it was too hard, we got stuck in with making a mud bowl, hunting down twigs, lining it with soft leaves, and putting a little rock family in it.

Of course, once the boys got wind of some squelchy mud play going on, they were straight in joining in the fun and making nests of their own.

After dinner I suggested we do a short local walk as the kids hadn’t been out for a couple of days. I should have known that it wasn’t going to be a smooth one, given the fact one child had already been tripped up and knocked over a plant pot before we left the driveway. We then had another fall as three kids attempted to scuttle out of the way of some walkers but one tripped up, followed by a teenager/parental dispute, and then another child falling on top of a smaller one, leaving one with a hurt ankle and the other with a bumped head and mouthful of dirt.

Walks are definitely becoming more stressful as the paths get busier. Still, there were a few happy minutes skimming stones in the river before we limped back home and bathed the mud coated younger children.

It’s strange how days can hold so many emotions isn’t it. We went from stressful schooling to endearing excitement to a wearying walk. I know this is normal for any season of life, but I’m finding these days are even more tumultuous than normal. I don’t know quite how I feel one minute to the next. And from talking to other people I don’t think I’m alone.

I’m grateful for so much, but I’m anxious too. I’m soaking up the chance to live slower, but I’m restless. I’m enjoying so much of the chance to have time with Liam and the children, time we’d never have had, but I’m craving space and quiet and order. I long for routine but fear rushing around. I’m frustrated with weeks of waiting, but if I think ahead then I’m easily unsettled.

But I keep holding on to the fact that nothing is wasted. God meets us in any and every moment. The good, the bad, the fearful, the grateful. He’s in the waiting. And He’s in the future. I don’t understand it all. I don’t have the answers to the whys. But I know He is good and I trust His hand.

8 ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
12 “For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.’ – Isaiah 55:8-12

It’s Monday again already. You could hardly contain the enthusiasm levels in the house. They were heavily disguised by the lack of older children making an appearance before I dragged them out of bed at 9am. The benefit in that was that it gave me a chance to start the younger children’s education with the YouTube clip sent by the nursery teacher, before Toby hijacked the computer. And that in turn gave me a chance to print off Maddie’s work whilst I had five minutes of calm. It’s all a case of strategy when sharing the all important technology.

Theo’s topic this week is mini beasts, so it seemed a good time to dig out the little wooden insects for counting purposes.

Micah was keen to get involved, Theo took a bit more persuasion. But we bribed everyone with an exciting real life mini beast hunt if they could manage a task. Apparently something which would send the older children running in the opposite direction squealing about spiders is still appealing to 3, 4 and 6 year olds.

I had the bright idea today of using foam to help Theo practice forming letters. Note to self-don’t do that again. It was very appealing, but no letters were formed and the children and the bathroom were covered in foam. Still, if you don’t try you don’t know, do you?!

We timed the mini beast hunt to coincide with piano lessons to try and help the noise levels. I felt like I was winning this week by actually setting the zoom lessons up on time. Theo’s nursery work also encouraged the children to start to take photographs. I handed my phone over to Theo, and ended up with several hundred photos of blurry grass and mud shots, myself at unflattering angles, the bbq, and, quite incredibly, an accidental photo of two ladybirds in the tree. Which he didn’t know were there. I’m not sure quite what he took away from the hunt, but at least there’s one picture to send his teacher this week.

Toby was a happy chappy today, a combination of walking to post a letter to his friend, and the arrival of the Avengers jumper he ordered online weeks ago. He’s not happy at my threats to cut his hair again though. It seems he wasn’t that impressed with my barber skills. Harsh, but 10 year old boys are tricky clients it turns out.

Maddie and Micah were thick as thieves today, with horses playing a major role in most of their games. I was hanging washing out on the other side of the garden when they decided to quiz me loudly on the anatomy of equine beasts. ‘Mum, do horses wee standing up?’ ‘Mum, do horses have willies?’ I often wonder how much our neighbours enjoy living next door to us.

I found an alternative and very popular use for the foam tray. Horses riding through snow and being rinsed off in water lasted for a good while giving excellent entertainment value for effort.

A few weeks ago I ordered a ‘Rainbow of Hope’ t shirt as an NHS fundraiser and to mark these strange days. I asked Megan to take a photo, so I could tag the shop who sold it. For the second time today, I handed my phone over to a child, and received it back with one usable photo and 100 selfies. It’s no wonder I have 21,000 photos on my phone. Sorting through those is somewhere on a to do list. For a very quiet day.

There was great excitement over preparations for the imminent arrival of the chicks. According to one child, it was ‘as exciting as when you went to collect Micah’. At which point they nostalgically starting retelling the story of Micah’s arrival. Which was very cute, but it didn’t seem quite right to put baby chick siblings on the same level as their youngest brother! Still, in these long weeks, something new and entertaining is always a bonus. It does look like I’ll be sharing my quiet corner with some not so quiet friends though.

I was chatting to a friend earlier about my mixed feelings I feel at the moment with lockdown. I’m tired of it, definitely. I miss company and freedom. I miss hugs and singing, coffee with friends and children playing together. I miss family gatherings and visiting the beach.

But when a return to a ‘new normal’ is mentioned, I feel apprehensive and anxious too. Maybe because it’s unknown, what it may look like. Maybe because things not being normal might go on for some time. But also because I don’t feel in a hurry to go back to the busyness, the time pressures, the work pressures, the peer pressures. It feels like a delicate balance of wanting some parts of life back, with no desire to rush back into the always rushing life.

This Psalm reminds me tonight that while I’m waiting I can be peaceful, unshaken. The rainbow of hope can be a bridge, shining hope into the lockdown and also arching into a hope-filled future. Because the God of the rainbow promise who hasn’t left me in the past, and is present in my days now, will be reaching forward with me into the future days, bringing hope and His provision and His faithful promise-keeping love.

5 ‘For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
7 On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.’ – Psalm 62:5-8

There are definitely some perks to slower Sunday mornings. We enjoyed our croissant and coffee before moving to the lounge for virtual church. This week Maddie especially loved seeing one of her favourite Sunday school teacher’s doing the lesson, but as with all these virtual interactions, they bring mixed feelings with reminders of what you’re missing. So there were lots of cuddles through it too.

The story was about God’s love being a free gift to us, and the craft was to make something to give or send to a friend. So they busily set about doing it, Maddie choosing two friends but then getting too ‘tired’ (meaning too emotionally worn out) to finish them both.

Theo busily started one for his friend which he then gave to Micah. So he did another for his friend but liked that one too much to give away. So on the third one I wrote his friend’s name first, just to ensure we were clear about the intended recipient.

Micah, Maisie, and Megan busily drew a picture for Grandma, who we later had to FaceTime to show her before he was willing to go to bed.

And Toby took his t shirt off to copy the logo for a card to send to his friend.

After lunch I decided to use up the chocolate oranges we still had lurking from Christmas, along with the orange smartie eggs from Easter, and make a cheesecake. I enjoyed watching a bit more of the conference I’d missed whilst whipping and stirring in the kitchen, and the kids played outside.

The children are still very much enthralled with burying their feet in sand, although the swing seats are a mixed blessing in the garden. They provide a lot of happiness in soothing troubled minds and bodies, but we could do with six really, given the number of arguments over who’s been in there for ages and who feels hard done by in the shortness of their turn.

The old orbeez beads had also proven popular but there weren’t many left, so I ordered some more which arrived today. These water beads arrived in a tiny pot but had to be soaked in water to do their job. This turned out to be a benefit to the process, as the little ones spent a lot of the day running back and forth checking on the growth of the beads in the tray.

Once the Cheesecake was completed, I joined the kids in the garden whilst they pottered around, and I attempted multitasking crochet and starting a new book at the same time, whilst dodging the leaves and bugs that were falling on me from the tree I’d sat myself under. Liam opted for the fall asleep in the hammock version of Sunday afternoon rest.

I spent a lot of today pensively pondering different things on my mind. Not stressed, but thoughtful and the kind of day where I dream of sitting with endless cups of tea and books and journals and soaking it all in. But right now that isn’t where I’m at, and I’m still learning to find ways to find soul stillness in the busyness. To find rest in the moments of teaching my six year old to cross stitch because she needs the reassurance of me being next to her. To find joy in the 10pm enthusiasm over watching a programme with the older kids because they really want us to sit down with them and laugh at the bits they find funny. To find peace in peeling vegetables and melting chocolate for a Sunday dinner.

Today I found hope in the reminder from the kids Sunday school lesson, in our noisy lounge, played over the computer. The reminder that:

‘No matter how clever you are, or how good you are, or how important you are – none of it makes any difference. Because God’s love is a gift, and as anyone will tell you, the whole thing about a gift is, it’s free. All you have to do is reach out your hands and take it.’ (Jesus Storybook Bible, S Lloyd Jones)

Alongside that story was the line of a song playing over in my head:

‘Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine,
And I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away.’ (Bethel music)

God pours out Himself and His love as a free gift to me. That’s where I can find the rest and the strength to keep loving and pouring myself out to those I’ve been given. All I have to do is reach out my hands, my mind, my soul, and accept the gift.

It was a slow start to the morning, mostly because I’d spent large parts of the night returning children to their own beds, and then a good portion of it in the wrong end of one of their beds. Still, by 10:15 this morning Liam and I had a celebratory coffee to salute the fact that 6 out of 8 of us were dressed, a fact which we were actually quite proud of on a lockdown Saturday. We had few ambitions for the day, except to get everyone out for a walk after lunch.

So that’s what we did. We walked down the river and across to the lanes by the fields. We took our time and admired all of the wild flowers growing by the sides of the lane. We spent more time admiring the ferns with their fiddleheads and their unfurled leaves out in the wild than we’d managed to do with Maddie on paper in a week.

We spotted wild strawberries and cow parsley, bluebells and ‘never forget me’ flowers, as Maddie likes to call them.

We wandered up into the woodland and had snacks on Theo’s ‘squirrel house log’, before we came out of the wood and watched Maddie’s favourite horses grazing in their field.

We took a different route this time and found fields full of wild flowers, and the boys checked who liked buttercups whilst the girls did their Sound of Music re-enactment moment.

And then we moved on to a different field and found a tree that everyone needed to sit in for a while.

Before heading downhill through yet more fields full of golden yellow wildflowers.

And of course there’s always the one wild child who wants to roll down hills and spin until he’s dizzy and lie amongst the flowers.

Just because he can.

It was a good walk. It was relaxed and beautiful and there were only a couple of arguments. And we watched the kids exploring nature, and wondered why we hadn’t wandered aimlessly until we were forced into stopping and finding the beauty on our doorstep.

Then we went home and drank tea and some people snoozed in front of the telly and some of us crocheted. Well that was only me, obviously.

And then I got cranky because I had to actually cook dinner and sort washing instead of living in a yarn filled, book reading, bird watching, meadow wandering dreamworld.

Then tonight we FaceTimed our friends and were serious and silly and talked about the good stuff and the hard stuff and the ‘how long will this go on’ stuff.

Tonight I’m just grateful. Grateful for a day of rest from the workload of the week. Grateful for the hidden beauties of nature all around us. Grateful for the children who can wear me out with the sleepless nights and the argumentative days, the complex needs and the continual demands, but then help each other and hold hands and play in a field and then when it’s nighttime they wander in sleepily and whisper ‘I love you mum’. Grateful for friends who are still there, through the good and the bad and the lockdown days. And grateful for God, who made it all. And holds me through it all.

“You answer our prayers with amazing wonders and with awe-inspiring displays of power. You are the righteous God who helps us like a father. Everyone everywhere looks to you, for you are the confidence of all the earth, even to the farthest islands of the sea. What jaw-dropping, astounding power is yours! You are the mountain maker who sets them all in place. You muzzle the roar of the mighty seas and the rage of mobs with their noisy riots. O God, to the farthest corners of the planet people will stand in awe, startled and stunned by your signs and wonders. Sunrise brilliance and sunset beauty both take turns singing their songs of joy to you. Your visitations of glory bless the earth; the rivers of God overflow and enrich it. You paint the wheat fields golden as you provide rich harvests. Every field is watered with the abundance of rain— showers soaking the earth and softening its clods, causing seeds to sprout throughout the land. You crown the earth with its yearly harvest, the fruits of your goodness. Wherever you go the tracks of your chariot wheels drip with oil. Luxuriant green pastures boast of your bounty as you make every hillside blossom with joy. The grazing meadows are covered with flocks, and the fertile valleys are clothed with grain, each one dancing and shouting for joy, creation’s celebration! And they’re all singing their songs of praise to you!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭65:5-13‬ ‭TPT‬‬

I definitely had that Friday feeling this morning, I couldn’t face battling maths and learning about ferns anymore, so we opted for more of a ‘wellbeing’ task that school had sent. Creating little books all about one of their friends. They loved the idea and started out enthusiastically, but the reality was it made them sad too. It was hard to see Theo’s little face when we finished crumple and him put his head in his hands, ‘I miss Henry.’ And Maddie get excited then wobbly and want more help than she really needed because she needed to be near us when facing all the feelings. But sometimes allowing them – and ourselves – to feel it and actually miss what we’re missing is helpful too. So we kept it simple and called it a day on schoolwork.

Instead they were very excited that Liam’s Aunty Christine had managed to get us the last three bags of sand from Tesco! Yes, I’ll be battling sand all over the kitchen for the rest of the summer, but they LOVE it, and it definitely helped entertain them today. Obviously when they weren’t throwing it/face planting in it/eating it.

Liam and I had a major house clean today. It took me a while to work up the motivation, but I couldn’t cope with the dust anymore. Give it three days and it will be back, but for now, it feels clean and that’s soothing to my soul.

I had a nice chat with my mum this morning when I needed to ask her a post-sending related question, and then, not long after, these turned up from her. And a card and chocolate for me (maybe I’ll share with Liam), but I hid the chocolate and hung the card up before I took this photo. One of the things that I’m finding really special in these days is those encouragements that pop up in the post or in messages. I’m keeping the cards up until these days are done, and then I’m planning to put them in a book, a visual reminder that we’re never truly alone, even when we’re isolated. The kids thanked Grandma by sending her a very loud and screechy thank you message. Which I think she really liked.

I didn’t take many pictures today, because photos of me cleaning or at the post office weren’t that interesting really. We spent a surprisingly large portion of the day discussing possible names for the chicks who may arrive soon. Trio of female name suggestions included:

Rachel, Monica and Phoebe

Stacey, Gwen and Nessa

Aurora, Ariel and Elsa

Dr Eggstein, Taron Eggerton, and Eggmerelda

K, F, and C

Shiraz, Merlot and Chardonnay

And Liam suggested three of my closest friend’s names. I think there were implications of us being like clucky hens. Which I took offence at. And given that every conversation gets to this stage, we still don’t have names for the poor chicks. I think this is why we haven’t had any more children.

I started week 2 of couch to 5k today. It was hard. It reflected where I felt with lockdown today. Plodding on, with tired legs, not enthusiastic about the next stage, reaping very slow rewards. And as I ran (/brisk walked!), I thought about the verses from Hebrews that talk about running our race.

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God’. – Hebrews 12:1-2

Running is hard some days. But then I thought about the people I’ve spoken to recently who are a few weeks – or years – ahead of me in it. Encouraging me, inspiring me, reminding me of the benefits.

And lockdown – and life – are a bit like that sometimes aren’t they? Sometimes to keep running through lockdown days I need to remember the benefits. And to be encouraged. And to keep looking ahead, to the days where we’ll be together again.

And I look to the ultimate Encourager. The ultimate Inspiration. Jesus, who sacrificed everything, was isolated from His Father, and pushed through unbearable pain for the joy before Him. The joy of community with those He loves.

It’s all worth it. Couch to 5k, isolation, running the race of life, with all the ups and downs. Sometimes it’s an easier day, sometimes it’s a gritting teeth and holding on to hope kind of day, but there is always hope. And there is One who gets it. And has got us.

At 4:45 this morning the words went through my head, ‘there were four in the bed and the little one said, roll over. So they all rolled over and…’. And I got out. And retreated to the sofa. By 5:30 Liam had also been pushed out and the small ones claimed victory of the bed. So when they came downstairs we put on the telly, made a tea, and stubbornly sat in our bed to drink it.

Micah is getting very into ‘doing school!’ Making letters in the sand tray was a favourite today.

And a bit of healthy competition won Theo over – ‘I bet you can’t make five can you?’

‘Of course I can!!!’ And he did.

Meanwhile Maddie worked hard on two times tables house building, and Toby had a video maths tutorial from Aunt Estie to keep him on track.

The boys and I moved to the kitchen, where I suggested some number pegging to help Theo’s hypermobile hands.

He seems capable of using the pegs, but why peg them on number cards when you could just use your nose?

After lunch Liam found some old Orbeez water beads, which of course were a huge hit. It was so nice to have a warmer day again today, it definitely makes a huge difference to the younger ones particularly!

Liam was helping Megan with a DT project this afternoon, and I went up to sort some washing, so inevitably everyone followed us up. Then one by one they climbed into our bed. Which was all very well until some members wandered off to find a snack, and I went back into the bedroom to find 3 of them eating Wotsits. In. my. Bed.

There’s taking liberties and there’s taking liberties. And this was well over the line. So I evicted them all immediately.

I then came across a Corona virus quiz to ask your children, so went around my house to carry out my inquiries. So without further ado, here are the published results.

1. What is the Corona Virus?

Maddie (aged 6) – A virus

Theo (aged 4) – germs

Micah (aged 3) – Coronavirus!

Meg (aged 14) – it’s a virus spread by contact and germs left on things.

Toby (aged 10) – bad.

Maisie (aged 12) – it’s a virus. It’s germs.

2. Who is the prime minister?

Maddie – The boss

Theo – I forgot.

Micah – I Don’t know about that.

Meg – I Dunno. Boris Johnson?

Toby – Boris Johnson.

Maisie – At the moment it’s Boris Johnson right? Or has it changed?

3. How many days have we been in lockdown?

Maddie – 24 hundred.

Theo – 100.

Micah (excitedly) -LOCKDOWN!

Meg – over 40 less than 90.

Toby – too many.

Maisie – I’ve lost count.

4. What is mummy/am I wearing today?

Maddie – clothes.

Theo – Pyjama trousers and a morning t shirt.

Micah – clothes.

Meg – slippers.

Toby – clothes.

Maisie – a jumper, some clothes and penguin slippers.

5. Do you want to go back to school?

Maddie – Emphatically – NO. Wait I changed my mind. I do.

Theo – no.

Micah – I want to go to school!

Meg – to see my friends, yes.

Toby- -to see my friends not to do the work.

Maisie – no, because they think Coronavirus will go up if we go back.

6. Who is the first person you are going to hug when lockdown ends?

Maddie – my teachers.

Theo – Henry.

Micah – (to me) I’m hugging you!

Meg – Tom

Toby – Joe

Maisie – Aimée

7. Where is the first place you want to go when we’re out of lockdown?

Maddie – Longleat

Theo – school

Micah – I want to go to lockdown!

Meg – Aimée’s house.

Toby – Joe’s house.

Maisie -Barry island with Aimée and her family and you guys.

8. What do you think we can do to get rid of the corona virus?

Maddie – I think we should stay 2 metres or 2 seconds away from each other.

Theo – go outside every morning so the germs get killed.

Micah – I want to go to grandma’s house!

Meg – sing happy birthday.

Toby – stay home.

Maisie – stay in our house. Wash our hands.

9. Is mummy a good teacher?

Maddie – (thinking). Yes.

Theo – I prefer you. and Mrs C (his nursery teacher).

Micah – yep.

Meg – she doesn’t teach me anything

Toby – no.

Maisie – mummy doesn’t really teach us but she’s a good primary teacher just not secondary school.

10. If corona virus was an animal what animal would it be?

Maddie – a fox.

Theo – a lion.

Micah – a lion.

Meg – Theo.

Toby – a bat always flying around and being annoying.

Maisie – Rat because they carry diseases.

11. How did the corona virus start?

Maddie – with people getting sick.

Theo – people touched stuff they shouldn’t be touching and other people touched stuff and that’s how they get germs.

Micah – I don’t know.

Meg – people ate bats.

Toby – in China, by people eating bats.

Maisie – I don’t know. Someone got ill then everyone got ill. Something to do with bats.

So there you have it. We’ve established that Maisie is the only one who takes my questions seriously. No-one takes any notice of what I’m wearing (NOT pyjama trousers. Just comfy ones!). My children’s scientific and political knowledge is dubious to say the least. And Micah, who doesn’t go to school, is by far the most eager to go.

This afternoon the younger kids wanted to look at their ‘life story’ books, written by the social workers to explain in simple terms their journey to adoption and help them make sense of their story. Theo insisted I took a photo of him to put a new one in the empty pages at the end.

Identity is such a complex thing, and as I looked at their books with all the empty pages, I was glad that their story isn’t finished yet. And neither is mine. Last year I was stressing over how I was going to feel this year, with my youngest starting nursery in September, and life as I’ve known it for 14 years will begin to change, as will my role. In the last week, Micah’s stopped wearing nappies are night, and suddenly, unceremoniously, I’ve changed my baby’s last nappy. And for someone whose whole working life has been invested in caring for babies, it’s a challenge to face a change of role-of identity.

But if Corona virus is reminding me anything, it’s that we never know what’s around the corner. All the stressing I was doing over time going too fast and my teenagers and baby changing without me or Liam having time to stop and enjoy them, was such wasted anxiety when I look back. I had no idea we’d have months together this year. And I’m so grateful we have. So if I take anything forward with me, I hope it’s the reminder to make the most of today, and trust that tomorrow is safe in God’s hands. And to worry less about what my purpose might be then, but to look around at who I can love right now.

And just because I was listening to this song earlier and it reminded me of where my identity lies, I’ll share it here:

‘From my mother’s womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name.
I’ve been born again
Into your family
Your blood flows through my veins.

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in Perfect Love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am a child of God.’ (No Longer Slaves, Bethel music).

I actually don’t know why he’s making that face in the photo, I think he was denying Maddie’s accusations that he’d been eating slugs. Given that he refuses most dinners I offer him, I wasn’t overly concerned that she was doing anything more than winding him up. So despite the look on his face, he does love the swing seat. This afternoon he was in the back garden on his own swinging away and singing songs from Frozen at the top of his voice. A bit of sensory seeking heaven.

I had to go to do a food shop today. The last few weeks I’ve done click and collects, and although much quicker, the limit on items was frustrating, especially when they then didn’t have several things once they packed the order. So I braved the shop itself, and it was actually fairly straightforward. Except that I was doing a huge shop. When I was leaving the store, the friendly security man looked at my trolley and asked if I was shopping for the whole street? To which I said no, just six children and a husband. And he replied ‘six children?! Good luck!’

Thanks.

The shopping took an hour and a half and made my bank card cry. And took another hour to unpack. Although Micah did tell me he could carry a watermelon. Which made me chuckle. A lot. By the time I’d finished I really really needed coffee. Liam was helping Toby with fractions and Maddie with the two times tables, and the small boys were running riot. I’d had emails from the secondary school telling Megan and Maisie to log in and fill out the well-being questionnaire, so I told them to remember that however awful it is being with us, we are actually feeding and clothing them. Just in case they felt the need to say otherwise.

After lunch Liam planned on taking the four younger children on a lengthier walk so I could try and find the floor again. Off they went, and I thought if I hoovered really quickly I might get a quick cuppa and crochet in too. Within twenty minutes they were back. One child who had insisted they didn’t need the toilet had decided they actually did, and point blank refused to use a bush. Clearly too well house trained. On their way back another child fell over, and when they returned it was not without a sense of frustration. So we put Frozen 2 on, gave them all a bag of crisps, and made a cup of tea. Maisie was still beavering away at work when I took this picture, but not long after she joined us. It was an unusual and pleasant afternoon to sit down with all the children and just chill.

This is what happens when both parents attempt to enjoy the brief rise in temperatures just before the children’s bedtimes. Having been freezing the last couple of days, we tried to have a sneaky sit in the hammock but as ever, were found within seconds.

Bedtime turned into a long therapeutic conversation with a struggling little girl. What started as the need to say goodbye to a dead dandelion that’s been in a vase on her windowsill opened a whole can of emotional worms.

There’s a film I’ve seen a few times on social media that talks about mothers and all the different roles they play out on a day to day basis. In these strange days it certainly feels like I’m wearing a lot more than all the usual hats. My taxi role has taken a back seat for the time being, for sure, but cook, cleaner, teacher, nurse, finance assistant, administrator, and therapist are a few of the others I’m juggling. And I love it, but it’s easy to feel overwhelmed too. I’m not a professional in any of those roles.

As ever, there are challenges going on with the kids that we’re winging as parents. Getting advice where we can, talking things through with them as we are able, but no child comes with a manual. Something kicks off, and there are any number of things that could be at the root of it. In the wisdom of Shrek, they’re like onions, with layers. They’re also quite ogre-like at times when I think about it.

But I’m grateful for the little verse with big meaning in Philippians, which says:

‘I can do all things through him who strengthens me.’ – Philippians 4:13

I believe my children are gifts, and as imperfect as my parenting is, there’s a reason that we were made into a family. An often loud, messy, flawed family, but put together for a purpose. And I’m so thankful that we are. And I’m so grateful that their future doesn’t rest on my wisdom or competence, but on the One who gives me strength, day by day, to be who I need to be. To pray for them and care for them and fight for them. In all of the hats. Although secretly I’m quite fond of the ‘this is my time’, wine-drinking, Netflix watching, chocolate-eating, post 11pm hat. I look forward to digging it out again this time tomorrow.

We had another busy night, with Micah appearing before we were asleep, and being returned to bed. Theo then climbed into our bed at some point, so I returned him, and still woke up with Micah next to me. I had a bit of a headache until mid-afternoon, which I think was just feeling like I’d partied too hard – but without the party.

Schooling is definitely not getting easier. It is in the sense that we have a system going, but trying to answer questions from Toby on mathematical conversions, whilst explaining to Maddie what ‘unfurling’ is and thinking of examples in the home and nature, and at the same time enthusiastically finding things that begin with ‘b’ with Theo who is barely interested and Micah who isn’t meant to be but is more animated about it than Theo is all rather interesting. I was also answering emails to secondary school teachers asking about my children who diligently do all their work but frequently forget to submit it.

So I gave it a go, we made symmetrical paint prints representing butterfly wings and drew spirals, read a story and did a maths problem, and then I collapsed in a little heap in the armchair with coffee. And Liam took over on the over-enthusiastic nursery teaching. It seems that the only way to gain any interest from some 4 year olds is to get really high pitched and fake excitement – a bit like being greeted in the Disney store.

Snack time bears strong resemblance to feeding time at the zoo. They swoop in from all corners. Megan and Maisie are two flights up, so to save shouting, we either use a bell, or get the kitchen Alexa to make an announcement in their room. I went to call the girls for snacks, and stopped myself as I started shouting ‘Alexa! Snacks!’ I must make a note to remember that Alexa is not actually one of my children’s names.

The kids have enjoyed the chalk activity trail over the road so much that Liam made one for them on the driveway. Naturally, as good as it is, they were suitably distracted by wanting lunch so after a few arguments and two loops on the trail, they came back in seeking yet more food.

Despite what these photos look like, we haven’t resorted to keeping our sons in cages. Micah made himself a home in the partially constructed chicken coop, and Theo enjoyed a little chat with Jelly Beans. Which had to end when Theo started throwing grapes for Beans to catch, only it looked more like he was using Beans for target practice. Micah was disappointed to hear that he would have to move out of the coop, as we started preparations for some chicks to move in soon.

Still, he found comfort in his ‘muzzy’ which was still attached to the washing line.

He then opted to come in for his afternoon snooze on the sofa, whilst I had a good catch up with a friend.

This morning when I woke up I had two conflicting voices in my head. I had the words of a song full of hope and truth, but at the same time, a mind full of self doubt and insecurities. It took some serious words with myself, some focussing on what God says about me, and some loud music, to put the negative voices aside and concentrate on being who I am and loving those around me. It’s so easy to slip into listening to those lies-I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this, what if I embarrass myself or I annoy that person, what if this happens or that happens? What if, what if. And the trouble is when I focus on the stuff about me, I notoriously become impatient, anxious, stressy, and grumpy, frustrated with others because I’m frustrated with me.

But the song going through my head at the same time isn’t about me. It’s about the One who made me, who looked at His creation and called it good. It says:

‘Way maker
Miracle worker
Promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who you are’. (Waymaker, by Sinach)

The Bible calls Him ‘Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace’. – Isaiah 9:6

And He is the One who calls me chosen, created, a treasure, beautiful, designed, gifted, belonging. So irrespective of what I think about me, or where I think I’m weak and insufficient, I can hold my head high as I wake up in the morning, knowing I am who I’m meant to be, with the people He’s given me to love. I am weak-but He is strong. I am foolish-but He is wise. I will let people down-but He has never let me down. And knowing that gives me freedom to just be me.

It was Monday morning after a much more relaxed week last week, and I had a hunch it might be a challenge. Megan and Maisie disappeared upstairs to crack on. Toby logged onto his account, and was overjoyed and immediately very distracted by the fact that one of his tasks was to ‘watch a movie and take notes’. From that moment on, all he could think about was which movie to watch, when could he watch it, could it be one we don’t own…the questions were relentless. Finally after he’d pretended to have done a few other subjects he wore me down and put on Jurassic Park, assuring me he had the questions with which to do note taking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also had a bowl of popcorn smuggled under the table.

I’ve learned with Theo you have to be ready and move very fast with interesting looking activities to gain cooperation. Thankfully his teacher had suggested a number programme to watch first. He was another child happily won over by telly to start off the day. He did then enjoy comparing sizes of objects around the house, and that kept him entertained for all of 3.5 minutes I think.

Maddie is happier to work with someone next to her, which was a bit of a challenge today as Micah was not in a happy place. He wanted to do school work, then he wanted to be picked up. He wanted his third breakfast, and he wanted daddy who was doing a job. However, Maddie and I managed a few little activities, and hearing her ‘3 things I’m thankful for’ was a nice moment in the morning – my brothers and sisters, mummy and daddy, and Lego. Given that normally she glances around the room and says ‘umm table, chairs, pencils’ or whatever else she glances at, I was chuffed that we humans featured on there today!

Micah was still grumpy but pacified a little by helping with the coffee making process. Unfortunately this led to my zoom fail of the morning, with the poor piano teacher messaging me to find out where Megan was because my reminder alarm was on silent in another room. I’ve now ensured triple alarms are set for various appointments. How we’ll ever get anywhere on time when it involves leaving the house with shoes and bags I can’t even comprehend at this stage.

There is a ‘zoom phenomenon’ in this house, that the moment you say ‘quieten down now, someone’s on zoom’, everyone feels the need to raise their tone by 20 decibels, have an argument outside the closed door, and sit in the bathroom shouting ‘I’ve done a poo!!!’ as loud as they can. Well, maybe not everyone. But certain younger members of the family certainly seem to click into chaos causing mode when the ‘quiet’ word is mentioned. So Liam and I found ourselves once again, shut in the kitchen finding ways to entertain. Today Liam supplied kitchen ping pong as the game of choice. It finally enticed a smile out of Micah, so that was a bonus.

By 11:30 with two piano lessons finished, all 3 younger children feeling they’d done enough learning, and Toby diligently ‘note taking’ with flesh eating dinosaurs, given the arctic conditions outdoors, I gave up, put the telly on, and phoned my mum. Which was a worthwhile choice, I decided.

The good thing about the lockdown birthdays was all of Maddie’s new toys to provide entertainment. The downside, the frequent arguments over them. From lunchtime onwards, I parked myself in the lounge purely to act as mediator/referee. We intended on going for a walk, but Micah fell asleep so that was delayed somewhat. I made use of the time by attempting a new crochet pattern, which I’ve since undone and restarted three times, and am still only on row two. It doesn’t look like a quick project, this one.

Once Micah was awake enough, we got the younger four kids ready to go for a walk, whilst the older two girls had another zoom. The little ones were already grumpy, and despite my notion of them needing to get out, it wasn’t a happy experience! We set off down the river, but had barely gone a few metres without having to drag four children into the hedges three times to maintain social distancing. Whether it was the time of day, or the new guidelines on people being allowed more exercise, I don’t know, but the river path was like a London street. So we gave up on that idea and went back onto the street, much to the children’s disappointment.

We managed to appease them for a while with going around the chalk play trail, but after our third round, we felt we should move on. They did not agree. Loudly.

The streets were also packed with parents and children on bikes and scooters, and us in the middle, frog marching two crying and two sulking children with teeth clenched smiles on our faces. ‘Isn’t this lovely? I’m so glad we got out’ we muttered under our breath. And went home for dinner.

Today was one of those days. I sometimes think back to when we had just Megan. It wasn’t any easier, she was a miserable baby who didn’t sleep, and I was an emotional mess. But when I had one grumpy baby, every now and then, she slept. And in those ten minutes, there was silence. With six children, the ten minutes are long gone. As soon as someone stops being grumpy, someone else steps in. And some days, three other people step in.

But even in the less than fun moments of today, I was conscious of the work Maddie had been set this morning – find three things to be grateful for. And that whisper in my head kept me going through the day.

I was grateful for my pastor’s message I listened to first thing this morning, reminding me of hope and a God who’s with me.

Grateful that although the kids were very grumpy, Liam and I still liked each other.

Grateful that the sun was shining and my washing was drying. That lockdown hadn’t happened all over the veeeeerrrry long winter we had.

Grateful that we could walk by the river at the beginning and end of our walk, and are not confined to a tiny space like some people are in these days.

Grateful for the people who keep showing their care for me and our brood.

Grateful for food in our fridge and a home to live in.

I was weary at points today, and there were times it was a fight to be grateful. But that’s ok. We’re living in tough days. Where things we know and love have been snatched from us and there are voices of fear willing to drown out the good. But for all of the tension amongst my children, I want them to be able to see all we have to be thankful for. To keep lifting our eyes upwards and outside our four walls, taking each day one at time, and waiting, hoping, and trusting that this time will not be wasted.

‘I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.’ – Psalm 40:1-3

Why is it that the slightest hint of cloud and rain and small children turn into little wild things? There was running in circles, jumping off sofas, and threats to put them all outside. Of course they then wanted to go outside, so we put three pairs of shoes on and off they all wandered. Then they all came back in, asking for coats. So I helped with three coats, zipped them all up, and they went off outside again.

Less than five minutes later and one by one they reappeared, shedding coats and shoes and leaving a trail behind them.

Virtual church went well – except for this particular moment. They’re not praying, just having a strop. Over what, I can’t even remember. Other than that, they danced in the songs, enjoyed hearing about being God’s treasure, and Theo particularly loved the pirate themed introduction to the story.

And there was great enthusiasm over making treasure maps and chests. I always love moments where the older kids quietly step in and help the younger ones. Tea stained maps are always fun, and the treasure chests were popular – especially with jelly bean treasures in them.

After crafts were finished Micah started to get a bit cranky. He crossly came to find me, and said, with blatant honesty, ‘I’m hungry. And hitty.’ I got lunch, mainly to protect his siblings from his hanger issues.

After lunch and with happiness restored, Liam and I felt the need to have a general house clear up. In the process we came across the leftovers from Theo’s party bags. Yes, his birthday was in November. And no, we hadn’t yet done the crafts that we’d given to all his friends. But today seemed a good day as any to paint some rockets.

When we started our clear up, we’d asked the boys to strip their beds to change the sheets. The result of that can be seen above. We chose to ignore that particular carnage and join the family Sunday afternoon zoom, which involved a quiz today. I was particularly pleased with my knowledge of my siblings baby photos. Ironically the only one I got wrong was not knowing if one picture was me or not. Clearly I don’t look at my own baby photos enough.

I attacked the boys bedroom whilst they were safely contained in the bath. Once they were settled in bed I went back downstairs to find the older children ‘looking’ for the remote control. They wandered around randomly staring at cushions until I suggested that I’d help them look. And the deal was, if I found it, then I’d get to choose what we watched.

I’ve never seen them start actively looking so quickly. And within minutes, it was found. Another evening of American high school drama it is, then.

The clouds weren’t just outside today, I felt them too. I’m not sure what it was exactly. The worship from church made me emotional, singing songs I love whilst missing the community we sing them with, and yet at the same time holding onto words that give me hope and joy. Missing family and friends. The growing sense and fear that life isn’t going to get ‘back to normal’ for a long while ahead. Issues with several different children’s medical and emotional challenges that are needing time and love and attention in these days. I cried, but I wasn’t sad or mad especially. It was just a whole mixture of emotions and exhaustion finding expression.

This evening I read these verses from a Psalm 3:

‘But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill.
I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.’ – Psalm 3:3-5

I’m grateful that on cloudy Sundays, on weary evenings, on days where I’m missing normality and feeling overwhelmed by the needs around me, there is One I can turn to who protects me and lifts my tired head. Who I can cry to and He answers. Who sustains me in my sleep, and when I wake tomorrow will bring grace and hope and strength for a new day.