We had another busy night, with Micah appearing before we were asleep, and being returned to bed. Theo then climbed into our bed at some point, so I returned him, and still woke up with Micah next to me. I had a bit of a headache until mid-afternoon, which I think was just feeling like I’d partied too hard – but without the party.

Schooling is definitely not getting easier. It is in the sense that we have a system going, but trying to answer questions from Toby on mathematical conversions, whilst explaining to Maddie what ‘unfurling’ is and thinking of examples in the home and nature, and at the same time enthusiastically finding things that begin with ‘b’ with Theo who is barely interested and Micah who isn’t meant to be but is more animated about it than Theo is all rather interesting. I was also answering emails to secondary school teachers asking about my children who diligently do all their work but frequently forget to submit it.

So I gave it a go, we made symmetrical paint prints representing butterfly wings and drew spirals, read a story and did a maths problem, and then I collapsed in a little heap in the armchair with coffee. And Liam took over on the over-enthusiastic nursery teaching. It seems that the only way to gain any interest from some 4 year olds is to get really high pitched and fake excitement – a bit like being greeted in the Disney store.

Snack time bears strong resemblance to feeding time at the zoo. They swoop in from all corners. Megan and Maisie are two flights up, so to save shouting, we either use a bell, or get the kitchen Alexa to make an announcement in their room. I went to call the girls for snacks, and stopped myself as I started shouting ‘Alexa! Snacks!’ I must make a note to remember that Alexa is not actually one of my children’s names.

The kids have enjoyed the chalk activity trail over the road so much that Liam made one for them on the driveway. Naturally, as good as it is, they were suitably distracted by wanting lunch so after a few arguments and two loops on the trail, they came back in seeking yet more food.

Despite what these photos look like, we haven’t resorted to keeping our sons in cages. Micah made himself a home in the partially constructed chicken coop, and Theo enjoyed a little chat with Jelly Beans. Which had to end when Theo started throwing grapes for Beans to catch, only it looked more like he was using Beans for target practice. Micah was disappointed to hear that he would have to move out of the coop, as we started preparations for some chicks to move in soon.

Still, he found comfort in his ‘muzzy’ which was still attached to the washing line.

He then opted to come in for his afternoon snooze on the sofa, whilst I had a good catch up with a friend.

This morning when I woke up I had two conflicting voices in my head. I had the words of a song full of hope and truth, but at the same time, a mind full of self doubt and insecurities. It took some serious words with myself, some focussing on what God says about me, and some loud music, to put the negative voices aside and concentrate on being who I am and loving those around me. It’s so easy to slip into listening to those lies-I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this, what if I embarrass myself or I annoy that person, what if this happens or that happens? What if, what if. And the trouble is when I focus on the stuff about me, I notoriously become impatient, anxious, stressy, and grumpy, frustrated with others because I’m frustrated with me.

But the song going through my head at the same time isn’t about me. It’s about the One who made me, who looked at His creation and called it good. It says:

‘Way maker
Miracle worker
Promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who you are’. (Waymaker, by Sinach)

The Bible calls Him ‘Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace’. – Isaiah 9:6

And He is the One who calls me chosen, created, a treasure, beautiful, designed, gifted, belonging. So irrespective of what I think about me, or where I think I’m weak and insufficient, I can hold my head high as I wake up in the morning, knowing I am who I’m meant to be, with the people He’s given me to love. I am weak-but He is strong. I am foolish-but He is wise. I will let people down-but He has never let me down. And knowing that gives me freedom to just be me.