I get nostalgic over birthdays. So many memories. So many feelings. I wrote a blog post last year called ‘Birth Days’ all about my thoughts surrounding these celebrations and the complex range of emotions they can raise.

Obviously we weren’t there for Maddie’s birth. Or her first birthday. On her second birthday she hadn’t been with us for long, so we kept it simple with a party in the garden with faces that were becoming familiar to her. She was still bum shuffling at that point, petrified of babies and the bath and unexpected movement. And we had no idea that by her third birthday we’d be calling her our daughter.

But here we already are, on her sixth birthday. Six always feels like you’re losing the littleness of your person a bit more. Over the hill towards ten, they get a bit sassier and more opinionated and cheekier. But at the same time a bit more of who they are becoming is showing through. And that’s exciting, as you learn more of what makes them excited or scared or gives them fits of giggles.

At six, Maddie loves little fiddly things. The little girl who has never before been able to tell me anything at all that she’d like for a birthday or Christmas, named LOL dolls as the only thing on her list, much to my dismay. Apart from being hugely overpriced, they come with insanely ridiculous amounts of plastic packaging which I know would cause an eco warrior a heart attack. But she actually named something she wanted! And this is a breakthrough, for someone who lost all her worldly possessions and people overnight, to have a sense of trusting that the thing she asks for will stay long enough to make it worthwhile asking for. And because I’m a complete soft touch I bought them, obviously. And they were played with all day, shown to numerous people on FaceTime and at the door, and it was worth it for that smile when she opened the paper.

Also featuring highly for this six year old were books, she loves learning and stories and facts – especially about nature. She absolutely loves horses, so they were there on the cake, in the stories, and to play with. Craft and the new found love of sewing has also provided a few things to entertain in the next few weeks. And of course what six year old doesn’t receive a pair of ‘high eels’ as Theo calls them, to risk breaking their neck on as they learn to master walking in them.

Pancakes were Maddie’s breakfast choice, much to everyone’s delight. After breakfast the older children settled down to work, and the younger ones played with the new things. There were of course, a few upsets. Theo’s birthday definitely feels far too far away for his liking, and everything Maddie has is now on his birthday list. But on the whole, there were enough new interests to keep them playing and happy.

And with the very gorgeous weather today, it wasn’t a great hardship to chill in the garden in between being nominated phone holder for a very popular little lady’s birthday FaceTimes, in which she showed several callers everything she had, how it worked, and kept running back and forth to show and tell other new things off.

We had a little party planned for once the older girls had finished work, so we were finding things to keep the younger ones occupied at a fractious time of day. So I, having seen some random parenting hack at some point, suggested a zip line for the toys, and Liam, never one to say no to something that involves harnesses, ropes, knots and carabiners, set to work. The videos are hilarious, but if you look closely on the photo you can see the naked doll making her descent from the bathroom window to the climbing frame. This game kept them entertained for a good while. I’m not sure what the neighbours thought though.

Once again, the benefits of a big family are a ready made party group for the games. We played a diabolical game of Duck, duck, goose, where Micah had a meltdown, Theo chose Maddie every time, and I forgot who was supposed to chase who. Musical chairs was fairly successful, except for Toby sitting on Theo’s hand at the end, which left Theo crying because his hand hurt, and Toby complaining over how hard Theo’s hand was when he sat on it. Musical statues was all sorts of hilarious to watch. But probably the most successful was the ancient Kim’s Game which we used to play at parties at home in the 80s. Sometimes simple really is best.

The party moved on to cake, of course. Amusingly, when I was baking the cake yesterday, I was intending to make a vanilla sponge with coloured layers. Partly for fun, partly because Megan’s cake is very chocolate based. Anyway as I was absent mindedly putting the ingredients in the mixer, I suddenly realised I’d added cocoa powder with the flour without really noticing. So we ended up with another chocolate cake by default really. It’s a good job we like it.

It was a good day. Lockdown birthdays of course haven’t been what we’d have planned, but I have really enjoyed them. In normal years I feel overwhelmed by how we fit in celebrating 3 girls in one month, with all the different things they’d like to do, family we’d like to see, and trying to make them all feel special. It’s been hard not to see family properly, but the pressure has felt much less. To go back to a simple way of celebrating has been surprisingly fun and full of sweet moments. Maddie would have been in school today, but instead her school friends made little videos and the mums sent them through on WhatsApp – moments I would have missed had we not been at home together. The excitement of the FaceTime calls, parcels through the post, and visitors on the driveway hold a greater novelty when your expectations for a birthday are lowered.

And most of all, we got to be with this girl today to celebrate her. Which I don’t take for granted at all. I was thinking yesterday about Hannah in the Bible, who was desperate to have a child, so went to the temple and cried to God for a baby. She made a promise that if she conceived, she would give that child back to God’s service when he was born. And when she gave birth to Samuel, she said:

27 ‘For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.
28 Therefore I have lent him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD.’- 1 Samuel 1:27-28

I often see that quote ‘for this child I prayed’, on adoption prints. And it’s beautiful and true, for both birth and adopted children. When we put ourselves forward for the adoption of the little ones, they’d been living with us for 6 months, and they absolutely had our hearts. We had to wait another 8 months before we were approved at panel to adopt them, and it was 22 months after they’d arrived that the adoption order was legally granted in court. At any time in that 22 months, the judge could have changed the plan for them, and we would have had no choice but to move them on, trusting God for their futures and for our broken hearts. So there were many many prayers prayed for this child.

But the second half of Hannah’s words often get missed off the word art prints. ‘Therefore I have lent him to the Lord.’ As much as I love my children, God loves them even more. As much as I make plans I think are good for them, His plans are greater than mine. And as much as I dream and hope and desire for them and their futures, I don’t ever want to hold onto them so tightly that they aren’t free to spread their wings and become who they’ve been created to be, given back to the One who gave them to me.