We started today as normal, I set tasks, everyone looked at me and said ‘no’. Well, that’s not fair – Megan and Maisie now work upstairs and I’m assured they were working. Toby cracked on with his. Theo point blank refused. I finally convinced him after showing him pictures of his nursery teacher’s cat that she REALLY wanted to see him do his hunt for things starting with C.

It went along the lines of me saying ‘oh look Theo! There’s something with four wheels! Yes, it’s a car! What sounds does car start with? C-ar?! Yes! It’s a C!’

Maddie, who should be doing her work but insists it is much much too boring, is following us around thrusting appropriate objects beginning with c at him, whilst I try and remove them so he actually learns something, whilst trying to get her to go and finish her work, much to her objection.

So then we moved on. He picks up a horse. Me: ‘Theo, what sounds does horse start with? Is it a c?’ Theo: ‘no, it’s a hor.’

I despair.

Anyway we finally got a tray of objects, we formed a letter c, and boom. Task done.

Megan and Toby had piano lessons via zoom this morning, so we had to keep everyone else out of the lounge and reasonably quiet. This is harder than you’d think. I set up the laptop for their lesson using the trolley we put the morning snacks on. Liam starting getting snacks out to distract them from the lounge, at which point Theo had an almighty meltdown because the trolley wasn’t there, and how on earth could he have the snacks if they weren’t on the usual trolley?

Once we’d calmed him down, and the second piano lesson was beginning, Liam agreed to play a game with them. ‘Pigs in Pants’ was the game of choice, much to his delight. I think the game lasted 35 seconds exactly before carnage ensued and Liam regretted his offer.

Maddie’s very into scavenger hunts, which was helpful as one of her school tasks was to find blue objects. Of course, what she does the two small boys copy, so one by one they came and asked for a bag, and trotted off to hunt.

I’ve spent the rest of the day looking for things, realising they are blue, and having to hunt down the bags. The four blue pencils from my colouring pencils set? In the bag. Micah’s drink? In the bag. I’m just glad it wasn’t a repeat of the one where they took all the remote controls and the car keys. That was a fun day.

Tomorrow is Megan’s birthday, and Wednesday is Maddie’s, so I’ve spent large portions of the day wrapping presents and baking cakes. My lovely family have been very organised in sending gifts to the girls. Except they all arrived not yet wrapped. And as I type I’ve just remembered another one that’s in a safe hiding place still not wrapped. Whoops.

Birthdays always evoke a lot of memories don’t they? It’s hard to believe it was 14 years ago I was 41 hours into being induced with Megan, and it was just over 3 hours before she arrived. Liam thought I deliberately held on so that she wasn’t born on Star Wars day. I can guarantee there was no way I’d have slowed that episode down any longer than it had already taken. There are no jokes over the curse in the Garden of Eden on Eve and all woman kind – pregnancy, birth, and bringing children up is all sorts of painful at times.

But I don’t think it’s just the birthing of the child, that brings beauty and pain, it’s the birthing of a mother. I loved babies. I’d had more younger siblings than anyone I knew. I was a midwife. I really loved babies. I knew about babies. And then she arrived, and was absolutely nothing like I expected. And I didn’t feel anything like I expected. And I loved her but I didn’t know her or understand her. And that frightened me. And I felt so alone.

And here we are, on the eve of her fourteenth birthday, and she’s not the same as she was, and I’m definitely not the same as I was. She is the same height as me. She’s clever and loves reading and is arty and loves children. She still does things like paint rocks on her bed with nail varnish, which I used to tell her off for when she was 7, but now I accept as a lesser evil than posting inappropriate selfies on Instagram. Her sense of humour is hilarious and nothing like mine and she is very very tactile. And I am not. I told Liam yesterday the problem with children the same size as you coming at you for endless hugs and flopping on you with their crazy wild beautiful hair in your face is that they are actual adult human sized beings but they behave like children. And it reminded me of Elf, where the massive man-child sits on the tiny Papa Elf’s lap. But at the same time I’m grateful and I love that she still wants to hug us and get excited and tell us all about Bill Weasley and Liam Payne and memes and the film that made her cry and all the other random stuff I have to summon up the energy at 10pm to be interested in. Because it matters to her.

If there was one prayer I’d pray over her on her birthday, it would be the one I always wrote in our babies and foster babies Bibles, and prayed over them, the one my childhood pastor prayed over us at our dedications:

‘The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.’ – Numbers 6:24-26

And incidentally it’s the words of the UK Blessing song which is spreading on social media and is powerful and emotive and is bringing hope to our nation, because it’s how God feels about us. And if there’s any message I want Megan to know today, tomorrow, and as she grows into adulthood, it is how very loved she is.

‘The Lord bless you and keep you
Make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace.

May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children.

May His presence go before you
And behind you and beside you
All around you and within you
He is with you, He is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming and your going
In your weeping and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you.’ (Bethel music)

Happy birthday my beautiful firstborn, Megan Elizabeth. We are for you, and He is for you.