It wasn’t an emergency, and everything is fine. Just to clear that up! But I did have a hospital appointment today, and it was a weird experience. For a start I had to go to a different hospital, and I’d been given a number to ring when I arrived. The nurse met me in the eerily quiet reception and took my temperature before giving me a mask. To book in with the receptionist there were red barriers keeping a two meter distance away from the desk. Myself and the other patient waiting sat on opposite sides of the waiting room, watching a cooking programme where the chef was chatting to his co-host via video link. There are some days this whole thing definitely feels more real, and more surreal. But as you’d expect, the staff were incredible, putting people at ease despite the all the extra complications to keep themselves and others as safe as they can.

I did feel anxious on the way there. Even driving feels bizarre these days. It occured to me that last year for the first time ever I got a speeding fine, and then within months, a second. At least the probability of making that mistake again has been significantly reduced by the lack of driving this year.

There was no post hospital sneaky coffee shop treat, but instead I sat in the car and rewarded myself with my coffee in a travel mug. I was gone for the morning, and it was the longest I’ve been away from my family for 34 days. I won’t lie, the silence in the car wasn’t unpleasant.

But I did feel bad leaving Liam to face the first day back to schoolwork fight alone. And there were some fights to be had. Just to reassure you, though, these children wanted to be in the rabbit run. It was voluntary and they enjoyed it. And we even let them out again. However, just after I arrived back there was a discussion with one older child who was getting stressed over a piece of work they were doing. So we asked them when it was due in. Their reply?

‘Yesterday’.

Whilst we were working through that little issue, another child appeared. ‘Dad, I need help! I’ve got a two person task to do and I’m one person short!’

The younger boys didn’t take kindly to the back to school plans and much mischief was made. About half an hour after lunch Maddie started asking for food, to which Micah piped up, ‘No! You had food yesterday!’ Cue much offence taken on her part, and me loudly reassuring her (but really the neighbours) that she had only just eaten a big meal. A little later she came running out because their game had taken a turn she didn’t like. ‘They’re saying I’m a human and I’M NOT! I’m NEVER human!!!’

Water play always entertains them. I was especially pleased when they decided to start cleaning all of the rocks in the garden. I thought that might buy a good half an hour of peace.

It always takes a turn for the worse in the end though. After this incident Liam picked Micah up to change him. Within seconds I spotted Micah streaking past, back into the garden, and lying stark naked in the tuff tray. I feel like I could write an epistle just on 100 reasons why not to buy a tuff tray. And why you can never take your eyes off small boys.

One of the nice things about driving this morning was going through the valley, seeing spring in it’s splendour, looking at the hills around. It reminded me of Psalm 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. – Psalms 121

As I was driving to the hospital on my own, I thought of this Psalm and was thankful that there’s a promise that I don’t ever have to be truly alone. The God who created me promises to be my help, to not sleep when I need it, to protect me. Even when life hurts, or is scary, I’m never abandoned and I’m never doing it alone.

This morning I felt a double sadness of events that we should have been celebrating today. It’s our little goddaughter’s second birthday today, and although our friends live in Devon, we’ve made sure we’ve met up regularly since they moved back there. I think this is the longest it’s been without visiting each other. Little children are growing up so fast in these months, and it’s hard to not see all the little people I love and know they’re changing so quickly.

Today we also had a family meal booked to celebrate my brother’s 40th birthday. And like I felt with Easter, when you are already missing a family member from gatherings, celebrations are bittersweet anyway. But to be missing them altogether feels like a double whammy of grief. When you’re grieving someone, I think you cling onto each special event even more tenderly, knowing only too well how precious those memories are.

But in those moments I remind myself of the people who are grieving. The thousands in Britain who have lost loved ones over the last few months. And I know it’s for a purpose. For safety. For love. It’s hard and it hurts, but we’re missing special occasions to give the hope of many more years of celebrations. And that is worth it.

Sad thoughts have to be put aside though, when the kids are busy and there’s church to do, and the sunshine helped go a long way in lifting spirits. In the quiet early morning whilst the small ones were still sleepily watching telly I finished crocheting ‘Hannah’ the mouse. It seemed only right after all the animals I’ve made that I make my namesake. I love the sense of completion when you finish a project, and then as soon as you’re done, there’s the anticipation of knowing you already have at least four more projects lined up.

The sylvanian village had an unfortunate spate of fires this morning, but thankfully Micah was on hand to help out when building after building apparently went up in flames.

The worship band is getting bigger by the week, this week we had Micah on percussion, Maddie on vocals, and Theo giving some delightful accompaniment on the recorder. They love seeing the familiar faces from church on the services and the Sunday school stories prepared for us to watch from home.

With weather this beautiful it definitely felt that a good walk was much needed. Unfortunately one family member was suffering from two late nights, and another was just suffering, so leaving the house involved a fair amount of cajoling, bribery, and shoe wrestling.

Once they got going though they were off. It was such a beautiful afternoon and we’re so lucky to live near restful scenes like these.

We had a brief break and a spot of hill rolling before our homeward journey. Micah hurt himself at least twice but still had to be pulled away from his rolling antics. And clearly wore himself out, because we ended up carrying him fast asleep for the latter part of the journey home.

An ice cream and a sit down revived everyone when we got back, and I had time to make a cheesecake before the Bowen family Sunday zoom. My baby nephew couldn’t join us today, but the newest member of the family, my sister’s puppy Tessa, made an appearance for the cuteness factor. Our family conversations tend to feature food fairly high on the agenda. Who’s having what for dinner, how good mum’s pudding looked, what the new hot chocolate maker my brother had for his birthday is like. It’s a good job we spoke just before dinner, because I would definitely have been hungry after those chats otherwise.

This evening we watched the highlights from the ‘One World, Together at Home’ concert, with beautiful music and poignant messages that bring home some of the sacrifices people are making, and the challenges people are facing in these times.

It’s a difficult balance to keep isn’t it, being aware of what’s going on in the world without obsessing about it. Focussing on caring for those you’re isolated with but creatively loving those you’re absent from too. Being grateful for those who are serving so hard and risking so much but being thankful for your safety at home. Being careful and sensible and adhering to guidance without living in anxiety and fear of a virus we can’t see. And some days that balance seems manageable and other days I lose control and I’m afraid or ungrateful or unloving or anxious.

The children’s Bible story this morning was taken from these verses in Luke, where Jesus listens to his followers worrying, and gently speaks to them, reminding them how loved and valued they are. It was good to be reminded of that today. That He’s got us. Whatever tomorrow or next week or next month hold, He knows our needs, and He is not only promising to take care of us, but to give us treasure that will last beyond the material things we so often worry about. So I can let go of the fears for tomorrow, love Him, love those He’s put in my life, and rest.

22 And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.
23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.
24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!
25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?
27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.
30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
33 Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys.
34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. – Luke 12:22-34

I’ve never been one for staying in pyjamas all day. I’ve tried, believe me. And I’m all for elasticated trousers. But somehow I feel a bit grubby and completely lazy if I don’t get dressed, so I’ve tended to always get the kids dressed too. But today, probably for the first time ever, I said yes to a pyjama day. I did make a condition that they had to have clean pants, though. And as I had to go the shop, I felt I should probably not join in. (The pyjamas that is. I did have clean underwear). Maddie was in complete delight, followed by shock, followed by spending the rest of the day a bit unsettled. It might be fun, but it still doesn’t feel right. Maisie came down and said ‘Megan says we can stay in pyjamas?’ So I told her yes, with the conditions. She stood there, looked at me, and said, ‘But why?’ And at that moment I knew, all is not lost. I may be raising one child who might see the need for clean clothing in their future.

Theo was on a bit of a wind up again this morning, building bridges and making a ‘one person only’ rule, and then positioning himself there and not moving. The low point was when Liam and I had the nerve to try and have a five minute conversation in the kitchen, only to go back to the lounge and find kinetic sand everywhere. The tuff tray has not served us well in it’s two days of residence chez Lurker. I think Liam is deeming it the worst £15 I’ve spent. Ah well, some you win, some you lose.

For some unknown reason Micah decided to go around with not one but two megaphones, shouting ‘Everybody! Listen up!‘ Why he felt the need to have megaphones I’ll never know. He has quite literally the loudest voice on a small person that I’ve ever heard.

Maddie was keen to carry on with sewing, the only problem being that I only had one embroidery kit for her. So I thought we’d improvise with felt. Of course Theo wanted to join in on the action, and Micah wanted to colour…and suddenly I was running around trying to keep everyone happy. And not succeeding. So we got snacks out instead.

After lunch I braved a never before a task – I attempted to get my 10 year old son mopping the floor. Whilst at the same time encouraging my teen girls to try and locate the lost world that is their bedroom floor. Toby adopted a Goldilocks approach to the job, giving a strong effort on the first room, a medium sized approach to the second room, and a baby sized stripe up the middle of the hallway.

In the meantime the small boys disappeared up to Megan and Maisie’s bedroom to help with the tidying. They wandered back downstairs some time later, Theo sporting a full face of make up and manicure. I’m not sure the bedroom floor ever got got cleared, but at least one of us will look good coming out of lockdown.

This afternoon I embraced my inner 8 year old and made a sylvanian family village. The boys liked it, but Maddie was distracted by a FaceTime call from Aunty Esty and Uncle Gareth. They asked her what she’d been doing, probably not expecting to begin a counselling session, as she sat down on the sofa, sighed, and said dramatically, ‘playing. And stressing.’ And proceeded to explain how difficult things are with two little brothers. Before going off topic and making weird faces. And then unceremoniously hanging up on them. I should probably work on my children’s phone etiquette.

Maddie finished her embroidered heart today. Perfectly imperfect. Just like all of us, living together. We had some messy family moments today, tensions and frustrations. Even in the last few minutes when I was trying to send the older kids to bed after an already late night, and no one listened but they all flop down on me for another hug. And it’s lovely and I’m grateful but I’m also tired and losing patience and just want them to go to bed. We had the sand throwing this morning and the stressed little girl and all the other little moments that can add up to get you down when you’re all shut in together.

But we also had a spontaneous dinner time rendition of ‘500 miles’ led by Micah, which Toby and Megan had taught him, and he led them all with great gusto, exuberant dance moves, and it was hilarious and cute and I loved watching them all join in and laughing.

We even had a cheeky ten minutes after dinner when the little ones were calm and the older ones were happy and they agreed to Liam and I going for a quick walk by the river. On our own. With no children. Before we left, Megan told us not to get drunk, or get kidnapped or pregnant and if anyone offered us sweets to say no. I’m happy to say that we were back on time and did not break any of her rules. So you never know, we might be allowed out again sometime!

There are some verses in proverbs that talk about a wife and mother, which I have in a frame on my windowsill, given to me as a gift, and I love the reminder and the challenge they bring as we go about our perfectly imperfect family life.

25 ‘Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
. – Proverbs 31:25-26

I pray that as we spend these days together, the children are more aware of my love and God’s love for them more than my fear of the future. Of my faith that gives strength and hope in the uncertain days. That they hear words of kindness from me, of honesty, of apology, and of humour. And that those are the memories of messy family life that they take with them.

I had great ambitions tonight of getting the younger three in bed to watch Phantom of the Opera. But I’m sitting in the boys bedroom listening to Micah whispering ‘five little monkeys jumping on the bed’ to himself instead. He intermittently jumps up and looks around, at which point I growl ‘lie down!’ in a stern tone. And he goes back to singing. I should have known my ambitions for bedtime were doomed, when I asked him to pick a book and he collected up the entire Little Miss collection, and one by one picked them up, looked at them, and threw them on the floor. Finally he picked up the one I had just finished reading to Theo, and said ‘I pick this one!’

Bedtime fun aside, today was good. I don’t know what the formula to a good day is, but I’m grateful for them. Maybe I lowered my standards. I looked at the piles of clothes in my bedroom waiting to be sorted out and walked downstairs. I was given a baby doll to look after, so I dutifully did that very well, sitting down so I could give baby ‘Nothing’ my full attention. Micah’s imaginative name choice doesn’t give the poor baby much self esteem.

In an organised and enthusiastic moment I bought a tuff tray to keep the sand/play doh fiascos more contained. The play doh immediately got chopped up, put on plates, and went into the toy oven. I don’t think I achieved my aim.

After a brief stint where Theo and Micah were tormenting Maddie and I helped her hide whilst Liam took them out in the rain to see the river, we FaceTimed Grandma, Grandad and the aunties. This always buys me a bit of peace because the kids run off with my phone and talk rubbish to my family. And my family seem eager to play – pretending to eat play doh cakes through the screen, being offered drinks, and singing various songs. It appears everyone is going as mad as each other, so I’m hopeful that we’ll all be equal in craziness once we’re free. Although I think I’ll win for the greatest increase in grey hairs.

A little later I was on the phone to Esther, an old style phone call with no screens, which completely threw Micah, who insisted on shouting ‘Esty! Look at me!’ as he did tricks on my bed. Whilst we were chatting I suddenly realised Alexa was playing Bob the Builder, clearly under Micah’s instruction. He left the room and I was left sitting listening to the Wheels on the Bus. I remember being horrified that Toby could use a touch screen-having my music dictated by a three year old is a whole other level.

Maddie needed a bit of space from the boys today so I dug out an embroidery kit I’d put away, and taught her how to back stitch. She got it straight away, and absolutely loved it. I had to convince her to have a break for lunch because her fingers were aching.

Micah’s been missing his Friday gymnastics where he burns off a lot of energy, so he had an impromptu handstand session, in which Theo and Toby both decided to start crawling under his legs, much to all of their amusement. Micah called me to the toilet earlier, and said ‘I’ve done a huge poo! Like you-you’re huge!’ I didn’t know whether to be offended at being huge, or glad I’m not a poo?

Toby and Liam decided to have a go at hydro-dipping, practising on a bottle and then doing an impressive job with a spud gun. I’m a little concerned that any of my belongings may now be deemed too boring and turn up randomly painted in neon patterns. And of course the other issue with this particular activity is that Toby is now in possession of a spud gun. Much to his sisters’ despair.

After lunch the boys picked their chill out movie and Maddie and I sat together whilst she finished her rainbow and I carried on with my crochet. I often feel bad when people suggest giving your children one to one time every day. That just isn’t possible when you’re on crowd control, but it definitely makes those moments sweeter and more special when you can achieve them.

Warning: there are images below that may be a trigger if you are of a sensitive nature and prefer order to be maintained. These pictures are not Instagram friendly…

But perhaps part of the reason for the calmer day was me just relaxing over the house. In reality, it took no longer to tidy up than on a day where I’m stressed about it. I’d like to say I’ve learnt from this, but no doubt in a few days I’ll have another moment about the state of the place and how no one else cares. I’m sure they’ll all continue to look blankly at me and the great order/disorder cycle will continue. For today, though, I accepted the mess in favour of peace. And it was good.

And whilst Megan and Maisie let Maddie and Micah run riot in their bedroom, Theo had great fun watching the mixer going round. Cheaper than a tv license and almost as entertaining. Especially when he worked out how to speed it up. Can you over beat batter for toad in the hole?!

Whilst I cooked I was preparing for watching the Phantom, so called up some YouTube numbers. I found myself somehow falling down a YouTube rabbit hole involving Gerard Butler (not sorry), the Pogues, and Ellie Goulding. It’s amazing where YouTube can take you.

I did eventually get my smallest to go to sleep, and we continued the older one’s musical education. Liam and I sang beautifully, the girls appreciated it, Toby is perhaps slightly traumatised. And I’m wondering if it’s too risky to buy tickets for December?

I hope these are the days we’ll remember when life starts to get back to it’s busyness. These gentle days, of making and sitting together and watching new things. Of slowing life down and choosing to sit and play. I’m not very good at it, but this is an opportunity that has been given to us, and I pray I’ll learn from the slower days, to remember what is important.

I was thinking about 1 Corinthians 13 earlier, the famous verses on love.

3 ‘If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things’. – 1 Corinthians 13:3-7

More than ever, I’ve been give the opportunity to love those closest to me. Some days that’s going to require a commitment and decision and supernatural help. But it will be worth it. Because love never fails. And what I invest in my family now in these days will last, because love never ends.

I started this morning feeling positive and encouraged, but in all honesty, the days feel hard right now. Today the kids fought or whined for the majority of the day. This morning I really wanted to say to the one who likes to tell tales, that the only thing more annoying than hearing the little ones screaming at each other, is the fact that someone always feels the need to come and tell me. As if I can’t hear it!

After a couple of hours where I basically stood around breaking up fights, offering food, or intervening in dangerous acrobatic feats, I developed a pounding headache. And the mess in the house and the continual ‘mum I want…’ and the thought of this carrying on indefinitely started to get me down.

But even in those moments, there is grace. And paracetamol. And after lunch we sat down, put on a film for the boys, I drank tea and ate cake, and cross stitched HOPE. Liam took two of the kids on a bike ride, and Sleeping Beauty gave me a brief respite. Micah obviously sensed my weariness, because when Theo called ‘I’m done!’ from the toilet, Micah shouted, ‘wees or poos?’ Followed by ‘hold on, I’m coming!’ as he marched off to go and clean his brother up. Needless to say I intervened in that little operation.

Once Liam, Toby and Maddie were back from their bike ride I felt that the rest of the children and I needed to get out, so I ‘encouraged’ them on a walk. However I was met with strong resistance from both the older girls and the younger boys. Theo was particularly unimpressed, he didn’t want to walk down the river or on the street. If we went left he wanted to go right. I persuaded him by stopping at our friend’s house for a social distant chat and for him and his buddy to see each other’s faces. He enjoyed that, but as we carried on informed me that he wanted to be the boss of me, and if he was the boss, he would ‘push me over the side’. Of what, I’m not entirely sure. The pavement? The river? The world? I’ve been parenting for nearly 14 years now so I don’t take the insults personally, but some days the continual abuse can be wearing!

And yet, despite the initial ‘what’s that yucky pizza?’ when they saw my homemade effort, they wolfed it all down, and for the first time today settled down to playing nicely. Micah had us laughing with his rendition of a song in which the chorus is ‘rejoice’, except he was singing very loudly, in his very gruff voice, ‘Rachel’, whilst playing air guitar.

There were even spontaneous signs of affection from these two. And they all went to bed relatively happily, which is always a blessing.

Once the younger three are in bed the older ones spring to life. It was gone 10pm and the older girls were still sitting either side of me and wanting to play and mess around, and it’s a struggle to muster up the energy. But the song Micah was singing is stuck in my head tonight:

‘Painter of skies, maker of stars
Holder of seas and all our hearts
Artist of life, father of lights
When I’m with you my soul ignites
You see my sin but love me the same
Breathe on my hurt and raise me again
Up from the ash, up from the dust
You’re recreating us

I will not waste this day you’ve made
I will be glad

Rejoice, rejoice
In the sunshine, in the sorrow
Oh, my soul rejoice

How can it be, you know my name
Tamer of storms who calms the waves
How can it be, I can’t explain
Why you carry me and all my shame
You take my sin and all of the mess
As far as the east is from the west
Everything changed, I stand amazed
My every breath is grace

I will not waste this day you’ve made
I will be glad…’ (Rend Collective, Life is Beautiful)

Those lines, ‘my every breath is grace, I will not waste this day you’ve made’, have stuck with me all evening. As we hear more stories of families losing loved ones in these very difficult times, I am aware that our every breath is a gift. And whilst it is undeniably challenging spending these days unrelentingly being demanded, with no respite, I don’t want to waste the time we’re given. It sometimes takes all of my energy and internal praying for strength to keep loving and keep giving out, and often I don’t do it as well or as graciously as I could, but the days end and I’m tired but thankful. That we had today. That we have each other. Tomorrow isn’t promised, and I don’t want to waste the time we’re given. So tomorrow, God willing, we’ll start again, there’ll be more grace, more hope, and more opportunities to show patience. I pray I use my every breath I’m given wisely and to show love.

We had a slow start today. As in, I hadn’t really done anything much by lunchtime. We received Theo’s school offer through the post, so that distracted me for a while. I am grateful he’s got into the school we wanted, grateful his other nursery friends will be there with him. And obviously, at the moment the thought of any of them going to school is appealing! But it’s also a strange prospect imagining him going full time in September when he’ll have missed so many weeks of nursery. And all these weeks I thought I’d have with him and Micah before they start reception and nursery are now being filled with schooling everyone and keeping us all plodding along. So there’s an element of sadness in there too, as there is when all the kids started school. Except this is such a unique situation and the transition feels like it will be greater for him after the all the changes of this year. But for today he’s completely unaware, and was instead enthralled by the sudden springing up of dandelions, daisies, and some pretty purple flower all over our front garden, which he deemed as ‘magical’! And insisted on picking dandelion clocks to keep in a jar in his bedroom. I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out.

Meanwhile Maddie made herself an ‘apartment’ under the climbing frame, apparently it’s next to the sea. All the necessities were removed there, kitchen equipment, her cuddle top, and a magazine. She overheard the conversation about Theo getting into school and promptly had a wobble over the fact that she doesn’t want to go back to school, although she does miss her friends, and how many days will it be, and it’s good Theo will be at her school but they’ll only see each other at playtime, and several other worries. So we had a cuddle and talked about how it’s not happening yet, and she’s here and safe and nothing’s changing today. And then we thought about all the things we’re looking forward to doing when the germs are gone. Which other people came and added to. Because I have no intention of going to Niall Horan’s concert.

Remember our feral child who I caught as he was about to water the garden? Today we didn’t catch him in time. Instead we saw him out of the kitchen window as he proudly did a wee in the middle of the lawn. He was incredibly smug and had not a jot of remorse. I don’t think the world will be ready for our re-entry back into society.

The younger three felt the need to have a post lunch lie down, like some sort of advert for the slogan above them.

Liam suggested the kids wash my car, which the sensory seekers were very enthusiastic about. Megan developed the less enthusiastic teen method of rolling up and down on a skateboard whilst letting the brush drag along the side of the car. Theo, who loves anything involving water was engrossed with squeezing the cloth and watching the water run down the car, and then found out that it’s really fun to wet the cloth and spin it around whilst spraying all your siblings.

And Maisie allocated herself a ‘supervisory’ role. Needless to say, within about 20 minutes all six children were back in the house, leaving a decidedly smeary still dirty car. Isolation life day 30 – Liam and I officially did something we have never done in almost 15 years of married life – we washed a car together. Things must be getting desperate.

Cute scenes as the younger kids had afternoon telly, followed by Micah falling asleep next to Maddie. It’ll never cease to be amazing how children can flit between screaming at each other to adoring each other within seconds. Any moment like this makes me so incredibly grateful they are together. For all the hard moments, the thought of them being separated from one another is unimaginable.

While they chilled out I decided to have a awesome mum moment and make rainbow play doh. It worked, they were excited, they got stuck in. And then they spent the next half an hour demanding complicated models, complaining about who had the bigger ball of doh, whining about cracks in it, and generally being miserable. So I ditched awesome mum mode and fed them Easter sweets instead.

It was another Bowen birthday today, so another family zoom was set. Liam offered to take the kids for a walk so I could chat without being climbed on by several children. It meant I could really engage in the conversations. And play my part once it all went downhill and we started singing Les Misérables songs. It may need a little more polishing before we release that particular number.

Dinner time included a half an hour stand off with one child over their refusal to eat any macaroni but insistence on having a brownie. It was tiring for both of us, and I just felt sorry for them. All these big feelings, the apparent injustice of it all. In the heat of it I was told I’m not allowed to live here anymore. At that particular moment I was kind of ok about that, but by bedtime they’d changed their mind and I wasn’t allowed to leave the room. If there’s any blessing from a dinner time meltdown, it’s the fact they’re so tired that after a bath they fall asleep the minute their head hits the pillow.

The talk on the news this evening implies, as ever, we don’t know how many more weeks we’ll be here doing this. And I kind of felt emotionless about it all today. I feel tired, but then I felt a different kind of tired before it all. It feels strange to think ahead now, the future seems to be so distant. But at the same time the earth keeps turning and at some point we will be back to it and I’ll be looking at school uniform for six children and feeling super emotional about all the milestones.

So I’m grateful for today, even in the frustrations. I’m grateful that my anxious little girl feels safe at home. That the kids surprise us every day. That Liam and I are still laughing together more than we’re not. That before big changes of GCSEs and year 6 and reception and nursery happen, we’ll have had weeks together where we learned more about loving each other and forgiving each other and what makes each other giggle.

And I’m grateful that in it all, the hard days, the slow and seemingly fruitless days, and the good days, there is help.

6 ‘Blessed be the LORD! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.’ – Psalm 28:6-7

The face of a little girl who has had enough of all this isolating. And her loving brother, who smells her misery from a mile away and swoops in to tease her in any way possible. And really that is how the morning began. Maddie was sad. And when she’s sad, her tummy hurts and her legs hurt and she’s tired, and there’s nothing she really wants but she does want something, just not what you offered. And Theo, who likes a reaction, finds ways to get one. By insisting he play with the only toy she has decided she wants. Or any other clever little plans. They can be hilarious and they can be infuriating. This morning was the latter. So it involved a lot of creative play, therapeutic cuddling, and some bribery. I had to do a food shop, so I took a wish list from every family member. Partly because bringing back something exciting from the outside world is a little highlight of lockdown, and partly because I hoped it might be a distraction from the moods. Requests ranged from a mint chocolate bar, to a Frozen comic, and from the one who always tries to push their luck – a Nintendo Switch. Ha. Ha.

I was really hoping that one of the people I messaged would take me up on my offer of buying shopping for them, just so I could go and wave at a friendly face from the end of their driveway, but alas, no one needed my services, and I had to go straight back home. I never knew I could be so keen to run errands, just to buy more allowed time outside of the house! I arrived back in time for lunch, and was very briefly dubbed ‘best mum ever!’ for fulfilling the various requests. Toby deigned to accept the nasty blue coloured sugar filled sweet thing in place of a £300 games console. He’ll try again next week though, I have no doubt.

Whilst I was out Liam had kept the peace with a game of hide and seek, followed by getting them cleaning the summer garden toys. Which started the inevitable question… ‘can we have the slip and slide, pleeeeeaassse?’

And we obliged. There was lots of laughter, and only one injury. So that seemed a winner.

Once they had enough and were getting cold, we dried them off and opted for telly time. We made a coffee and tried to sneak outside to drink it, child free, in the sun. We timed it as less than five minutes before the pitter patter of tiny feet joined us. Actually, more of a thud thud thud, because there’s nothing delicate about Micah. So our coffee break became a paper aeroplane throwing contest. We had a delightful moment where Micah declared ‘you’re my favourite mum and dad!’ A minute later, for no obvious reason, he informed me I was ‘heavy. And moody. And tired.’ I mean he’s not wrong, but it does make me wonder what Liam says about me behind my back…

Overheard this afternoon during tv time…one sibling to the others, ‘I’m just taking the remote, so that I’m in control.’ You’ve got to love sibling rivalry and the fight for status. The remote control, the ultimate symbol of power.

Toby very much enjoyed making – and eating his Easter freakshake this afternoon, whilst some of us joined a family zoom to celebrate my brother Nathan’s 40th birthday. When we were children, I hated the four months of the year he’d claim he was two years older than me. Today I felt very smug about ‘only’ being 38. How things change!

After dinner Liam had a work call to take, so the kids and I went for a walk. They opted to do the street route instead of the river tonight. It basically consisted of me calling the ones running ahead to come back, shushing the ones who were shouting, stopping the others from stroking cats, and keeping our eyes peeled for rainbows. It wasn’t the most restful of wandering, but the change of scenery and taste of freedom is still much needed.

Today was another day. There were fun bits, there were hard bits. The younger children particularly, are never entirely settled in these times. Whenever Micah’s upset he cries for Grandma. Maddie’s struggling with the loss of teachers who really got her needs, and little friends who accept her as she is. Theo is bored and wants to run of steam and make a lot of mess and play superheroes with his nursery buddy. Things changed so fast and they can’t make sense of it and we can’t give them a number of sleeps until it’s over, and that’s hard and tiring.

I was encouraged by these verses from Isaiah this morning. They are in the context of there being strength for those who seek social justice for the vulnerable, but this evening I felt them for me, for any other parent or carer, who is weary from the constant demands of those in your home.

10 ‘if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday.
11 And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail’. – Isaiah 58:10-11

I often feel the burden of the vulnerable, and was praying this morning for the children at risk during these days of lockdown. And sometimes I wish I could do more, care more, help more. But these verses reminded me that I’m doing what I’m asked to do, for those in my home, who often claim to be hungry. And although they are actually very well fed, they are, at the moment especially, emotionally hungry and afflicted, because everything has changed and is uncertain. And I’m grateful for the promise that as I pour myself out in caring and loving and feeding and meeting needs, God is there, satisfying my needs and strengthening my bones, and watering me, so I can keep pouring out to them. I’m not doing this alone.

The day started with breaking up arguments. Closely followed by four children then climbing all over the bed, and a nursery rhyme sing-off taking place. Before I’d consumed caffeine. About two hours later, Megan and Maisie sleepily appeared, only to put in complaints that they’d been woken at 6:30 by Maddie whilstling outside their door. And at 7:30 by all three of the younger children knocking. They wanted to know if we could put a stair gate up to stop the intrusions. I suggested they could just get up and entertain them, but this idea was not enthusiastically received.

Our team won the Bowen family quarantine quiz last week, which meant we had to set the questions for this week. I’d like to pretend I played a role in both winning and setting a new one, but I have zero general knowledge, Megan and Liam can take the credit. My role was basically sending the answers for the last one, and reading the questions for the new one. It’s good to know your limitations. Don’t ever ask me to be on your pub quiz team. Except to note take.

Grandma sent a quiz to the younger ones, which they completed with great gusto. I’m not entirely sure the Queen would appreciate the fact that she lives at ‘The London Castle’, but it was accepted by the quizmaster, so they were happy.

Toby had great plans for our family Olympics today, and once Toby has an idea, he ensures you don’t forget it. I pacified him for a while by playing football with him, Maddie put herself on my team, and Micah began a rival match on the same pitch with Liam playing both on Toby’s team and also against Micah at the same time. As you can imagine, it was an absolute shambles.

The Olympics began after lunch, beginning with ‘javelin’, using a dart. Toby’s technique was lovely, but Megan took the lead.

Micah gave the ball hopping race a good try, he loves a good bounce, but I think the very short legs made this a tricky number to negotiate.

The short jump was a tie between Megan and Toby, apparently Maisie’s heavy shoes weighed her down.

The baton was somewhat uncoordinated, there were arguments over one team member not liking his team’s green baton and trying to switch teams midway. Another competitor took the baton, started running, then realised she’d left her cuddle blanket behind, so ran back to collect that before completing her leg of the course, much to the upset of her teammates.

The sprint races were more successful, and the results were close enough to not cause too many disputes.

The caterpillar race concluded the Games in complete chaos. Micah preferring to go and lie next to his favourite team mate, and Theo opted to lie on top of his. I don’t think they quite understood the concept.

Somehow the boys got involved in a water fight at this point, until Micah announced he needed a wee. And promptly dropped his pants and trousers, clearly intending to just use the grass. I objected to this new low level of feral behaviour, and marched him inside as he huffed and stropped and complained ‘but we ALWAYS use the toilet!’ like this is a bad thing. I’m trying to make sure we wash and cleanse and I even put make up on sometimes, but I do have concerns over how we’ll reintegrate back into normal society with any level of socially acceptable behaviours.

Especially as Maisie has taken to hanging out in the rabbit run. I think she prefers the bunny’s company to the rest of us. I can’t say I entirely blame her.

After we’d finished all the fun and games in the garden, Megan had made long daisy chains, and the older kids were sneaking back inside, Liam mentioned taking the children for a walk but wasn’t sure if we’d get it in before dinner now. I pointed out that it was 2:15. How are there so many hours in a day?! Having spent a lot of last week frantically baking in order to not miss out on any Easter treats, and also to hide in the kitchen for some cake mixing therapy, I had a sense today of restlessness. I guess this weekend was something we were aiming for, a bit of a high spot of excitement in the mundane, and now we are back to the long days, still with no idea when this might end.

After administering first aid to Theo in the form of an ice lolly for a bumped lip, and then removing a very large splinter from Toby’s foot, I snuck outside to drink tea and read, only to be immediately followed by at least three family members. It was fun to sit and watch Micah helping Liam build a chicken coop though.

We did manage our evening walk, accompanied by a toy rabbit on a lead. It was supposed to be a leisurely stroll, but Maddie had a sense of urgency, and frog-marched us all at high speed along the path.

In my restlessness this afternoon I was starting to wonder again what I should be doing in this time. I’m used to being busy, and if I stop, I feel like I’m wasting time. I should be doing something, helping somehow. I had been looking forward to our holiday as that feels like allowed rest. In a place away from home, with extra family members, and amazing scenes of beautiful tranquility, I always call the Lakes ‘my soul’s rest’. But I’ve been realising that maybe God wants me to be able to find a way to rest in the unrest too. If I feel crowded, the temptation is to opt to find a way to escape, do my walk on my own, hide away for a while. And that is okay at times, but I think that it can be a choice, too, to be able to stop even in the busyness and on a walk with all the brood, and still be able to find rest for my soul. Because right now, this is where I’m placed. These are the people I am able to help and love and support. I’m not on the front line, but I have a house full of people and I am being given a unique opportunity of days and weeks where we can build relationships, build family unity, build connection and be each other’s safe space. Yes, we are being pushed together, and yes, it’s hard and all consuming, but equally I don’t want to look back in a couple of months and feel like I wasted this time by being frustrated with all the mess in the house, jobs I haven’t done, and the people touching me all. the. time.

And I believe that God can help me in that. Even though I’m not getting my holiday, He promises rest. Jesus said to the people around him,

28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

And the apostle Paul said that ‘He (Christ) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9&10.

At the moment, my place is here, with my family. And at the end of a phone, with extended family and friends. So if all I do in this time is use it to love the people I’ve been given, in the best ways I can, with rest and strength that come from a place other than a holiday or a break from the unrelenting needs of those around me, then this time will have been for good. And it feels overwhelming and exhausting, but I can find that rest and strength in One greater than me, I can be honest about my exhaustion and my weakness, and ask for help and strength, and for this time to be used for good. And He will hear, and He will sustain me.

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:28-31

It was Easter as we know it, in lots of ways. Chocolate for breakfast – tick. A huge roast dinner – tick. An egg hunt – tick. More cakes than we can eat – tick. Children asking to eat chocolate all the day long – tick.

After a few delivery email stresses, the little hopping bunnies I’d ordered for the younger three arrived yesterday, and proved pretty popular. There were a few arguments over them needing collars, so Liam got to work and sorted that out. It meant Theo spent the whole day dragging a bunny, bucket of eggs, and a box of kinder eggs everywhere he went. And had a large meltdown over not having them all in bed with him too.

We tuned in for church online, there’s something comforting about seeing those faces and knowing that even though we aren’t meeting in the building, all across the world people are still ‘meeting’ in communities to celebrate Easter. I’m still the most enthusiastic singer in our congregation though. I’m sure the neighbours love it…

Dinner was a relatively happy affair. Once we’d agreed that the youngest could eat ham wraps, there was no way they could comprehend eating dinner at lunchtime. Although they did somehow sneak some Yorkshire puddings on the side, the only bit of a roast they’re interested in. And it turns out Megan didn’t agree with eating lambs, so went for a veggie option, in contrast to Maisie, who would have eaten the entire leg if I’d given it too her.

As ever, there was great enthusiasm over the egg hunt. Maisie has an incredible ability to spot them the minute she walks out of the door, so whichever little sibling puts them self on her ‘team’ always fares well!

Pretty much every group photo has Theo being held into place for a split second before he legs it out of the shot. He’s either very invested in something, or very not. Family photos-not so much.

One of us may have gone into an after dinner food coma. Megan is his usual choice of pillow, but she was upstairs so he had to make do with me. I managed to sneakily lie him down though, and escape to the other chair with a coffee and Liam – an extremely rare afternoon sit down. In which Liam also seemed very close to joining the afternoon nap time.

Family catch ups included FaceTime with Nanny and Bowen family zoom. It’s so strange to think that only a few weeks ago I had never heard of Zoom. And absolutely detested FaceTime. But in a very short space of time it’s become not only the norm, but a much needed form of replacing the face to face interaction we’re missing so much. The Bowen family group opted for optional Easter fancy dress, so bunny face paint and a very cute baby chick made appearances. I struggled to see over the top of the soft toys that were gradually filling the table in front of me as Maddie and Theo insisted on showing the family all of their favourite things.

We recovered from dinner enough to eat a Sunday tea. Theo tends to go downhill somewhat when he’s hungry, so I pacified him by getting him to help fill up the cake stand. ‘Let’s put these fancy ones on top Mummy! Now the bunny biscuits all need to be together and the ducks can all be together next to them!’ Once the sugar rush kicked in at tea he started leaning on my shoulder declaring undying love for me and how very kind I was to make cakes. Not half an hour earlier he was accusing me of ‘being very selfish!’ because I wouldn’t let him eat three kinder eggs in one day. I should never let him get hungry.

In so many ways it was a happy Easter Day. We are so lucky with having each other, having a garden to run around in, having loving families to catch up with. But there were moments when I was stressed and moments when I was sad. Because although I did all the things I hoped we’d do to celebrate Easter in lockdown, I’d much rather not be doing it like this. As I was cooking the roast, I was thinking how social the cooking preparations are when we are on holiday or at mum’s. We’re all doing bits in the kitchen, or chatting over the washing up. Instead it was Liam and I doing it, a bit stressed over little people that really need one of us with them at all times, still washing dishes at 9pm because that’s how long it takes without others to share it with. The message from church was amazing, and it was so encouraging to remember the hope of the resurrection, and so were the songs I listened to whilst I cooked. But no way is that the same as being with church family, singing the songs together. And when I read sad stories on the news, and Toby went to bed upset and asking ‘what can we do tomorrow?’, I felt a longing for this to all be over.

But this morning when I was thinking about the resurrection, these verses came to my mind. Verses I love, and bring me great comfort.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.
34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
36 As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,
39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:31-39

This time we are living in is hard, but not hopeless. Because Jesus rose and went back to heaven, He is there praying to the Father for us. And nothing can separate us from His love. Social distancing is keeping us apart from one another, Coronavirus is bringing fear and pain, but nothing can keep us apart from the love of the One who created us, and died for us because that was how much He wanted to be with us. Because we love others, we plod on with being apart, knowing that it’s for a purpose, to protect each other and be together again. Because He loves us, He went through the pain of death so that we never have to truly be alone. And that’s why I’m celebrating tonight. Happy Easter!

It wasn’t much after six when I was woken by a cockerel. Actually it was Micah who, for some reason known only to him, decided to start the day saying ‘cockadoodledoo!’ several times. We were supposed to be waking up in the Lake District today – perhaps he was trying to recreate the countryside vibes.

The morning largely featured accidents, unfortunately. Starting with me dropping and smashing a jar of peanut butter when I was making the kids toast. Not long after that as I was clearing the breakfast things, Micah called me – ‘Mum, I spilt some milk on my chair’. As the carnage above evidences, he’s prone to underexaggerating somewhat. Still, no point crying over spilled almond milk. About 5 minutes later I went to the freezer in the garage, only to discover it had been left ajar all night. A couple of things were defrosting, and as I got them out I dropped a tub of thawed ice cream all over the garage floor. Sigh. You know those days when you wish you could start over and hopefully have less clumsiness? And maybe there’ll less early morning crowing whilst we’re at it?

Maddie and Theo have become a bit obsessed with Tangled this week, and have watched it most afternoons. I love the film, although I’m slightly nervous for the time when one of them accuses me of being the crazy lady who stole babies…Disney has an unfortunate habit of throwing in all sorts of trauma triggers for children. Megan actually refused to watch any of them until about 2 years ago, and she, in theory, had relatively trauma free early years. Anyway, you can never predict which films are going to cause issues and which aren’t. So far so good with Rapunzel. Instead they spent a large part of the afternoon acting out various scenes. I was called urgently to come and assist the poorly queen, who was going to have a baby and needed the magic yellow flower. I thought they wanted my midwifery skills, but actually Princess Theo just wanted help finding the dandelion that had the most chance of having healing powers.

I went back to my baking but the clumsiness clearly hadn’t worn off, and I grated a significant portion of my finger along with the white chocolate. I called Liam to assist, and the three younger ones excitedly followed to witness my injuries and real life blood. Still in character, there were various offers of yellow flowers to help, and Maddie to wrap her hair around my finger whilst singing, but it turned out that some steri strips and a fair amount of pressure did the job just as well.

Naturally there was a lot of garden play today. Micah was cooking up a storm, handily the new welly rack Liam built multipurposes as an oven it seems. Cinderella was hard at work too, which was helpful as I’d suggested the garden needed tidying or there might not be any egg hunts happening tomorrow. Which prompted Liam to take camp Lurker down rapidly, assisted by Toby. Clearly egg hunts are effective bribery. Tobes was chuffed with himself today for cycling with Liam to wave at Nanny at her house – the hill there is no mean feat!

I went on a walk to the shop via the river to replace the almond milk Micah had poured everywhere this morning, and the peanut butter I had smashed. When they say to only leave the house to buy essentials, I don’t know if they’re factoring in extremely clumsy Saturdays. I admired the chalk artwork on the street, and whilst I hope to do more than just ‘exist’ in May, it’s a sobering reminder of the seriousness of what we’re doing.

Today I felt a bit of quiet sadness as I prepared for Easter Sunday tomorrow. I don’t think we’ve ever been without extended family for Easter, and this year we’d planned to be in the Lakes with my parents, four sisters and a brother in law. As fun as the baking is, and preparations for a happy day, there’s a part of me that is grieving what we’d hoped for. And alongside that was the heightened hurt that seems to come with every celebration. It’s been 3.5 years since Dan died, but I can’t make desserts we have at Easter without all the memories of past years flooding back. He was always busying himself helping in the kitchen, excited over the secret Easter bunny gift he’d bought, taking photos of the multitudes of puddings, intensely listening to the kids chatter, and writing glowing messages on Facebook about his love for our family. The memories pop up out of nowhere, happy memories but painful too.

It was a busy jobs kind of day, and a thoughtful sort of day too. A friend popped over last night to drop some things off, and it was so lovely to see her face, but hard too. I feel like I’m missing people more and more as the days go by. But I know it’s for a purpose. If we can protect others and minimise the numbers of people who will be grieving after this is all over, then our short term pain will be worth every family still together.

And in a very small way, the looking forward to seeing friends and family again that I’m feeling now is like a glimmer of the hope of heaven. There will be an end to sadness and sorrow and grief. At Easter, Jesus went through the worst imaginable suffering to bring that hope of a future free from illness and separation and death. On Easter Saturday, his friends felt abandoned and lonely and grief stricken – but Sunday was coming, bringing the resurrection and rejoicing and the promise of a future of togetherness and freedom and peace. Whatever your Easter weekend has felt like, I hope you know there is hope, tomorrow is a new day! I’ll finish with the words of a song I listened to today:

‘If love endured that ancient cross
How precious is my Savior’s blood
The beauty of heaven wrapped in my shame
The image of love upon death’s frame.

If having my heart was worth the pain
What joy could You see beyond the grave
If love found my soul worth dying for,

How wonderful, how glorious
My Savior’s scars victorious
My chains are gone, my debt is paid
From death to life and grace to grace.

If heaven now owns that vacant tomb
How great is the hope that lives in You
The passion that tore through hell like a rose
The promise that rolled back death and its stone.

If freedom is worth the life You raised
Oh where is my sin, where is my shame?
If love paid it all to have my heart,

How wonderful, how glorious
My Savior’s scars victorious
My chains are gone, my debt is paid
From death to life and grace to grace.

When I see that cross, I see freedom
When I see that grave, I’ll see Jesus
And from death to life, I will sing Your praise,
In the wonder of Your grace. (Grace to Grace, Hillsong worship).