This morning I got up with a long to do list already imprinted in my brain. Before anyone had a chance to stress me, the stresses were there. Theo woke me to ask if it was my birthday, a bit odd because my birthday’s not until August. It turns out he wanted it to be his birthday, which he knows is after mine. In November. So I had to set him straight on the sad news. But that aside, we trudged downstairs

And then I set to work. Getting breakfast, printing off school worksheets. Obviously the paper and ink both ran out so that needed sorting. Online banking to juggle the money that is still being paid into the wrong account. I was aware that there was a wet load of washing in the machine and the upstairs bathroom had the telltale pink ring around the plug and a thick layer of dust on the shelves, giving away the fact it’s been at least two weeks since that was cleaned. There were clean piles of laundry in every bedroom waiting to be put away, and all the Easter decorations with a dead Easter tree dropping leaves in the dining room.

But in the meantime Theo was shouting at me for a drink repeatedly, and Maddie had developed a mystery pain in her foot, which she couldn’t stop talking about (often a symptom of anxiety and stress for her). The older kids were somewhat reluctant to get out of bed, and Liam is still not sleeping well or feeling great. So before 8:15 the pressure was rising and I was already heading for boiling point.

Liam went to help the older girls sort out their work and I tried to get the younger ones going with some learning. Toby is great and cracks on with it. Maddie loves most of it unless you suggest writing a sentence. Otherwise, she flies through the worksheets at a pace quicker than I can keep up with. Theo and Micah liked the play doh modelling tasks, but Theo suddenly felt he’d done enough and went to strop on the sofa. At which point Micah also decided he had played ball for long enough. He threw the puzzle I offered him, rejected the colouring pens, and demanded one of Maddie’s worksheets. Which I gave him and he did one scribble on before going off to hunt for Liam.

It was around this point that I really started to feel like I was going to lose it and either shout or cry. But I knew inside that it wouldn’t be fair to rant and rage at my family who had no idea how I felt, and were probably oblivious to the things that were getting me down. (Except for the stropping kids. They’re hard to ignore!). So I had a chat with Liam, who is exceptionally gracious to my plot losing moments, and he disappeared upstairs with the cleaning products.

I gave up on getting any more work out of the younger ones and opted for life skills instead. Baking a chocolate cake is essential for their future isn’t it? Followed by mixing up salt dough and modelling it, because they love the weighing and measuring and the gooey mess, and I figured painting the results would buy us another activity tomorrow.

After lunch Liam and I had a longer chat about how things could work a bit better, and what we both felt would help the kids and us to keep plodding on. I felt today that I needed some exercise and some space from the house. I struggle with the battle of continual mess. I love home-making, I love my big family and I love time together. But the amount of chaos created by everyone being here all the time can make me lose perspective. I felt I needed both to walk off the brownies I keep eating, and to get out for more than the 10 minute round trip of the river that the small kids can manage.

So I left Maddie and Theo in front of a film, Toby on a wii game, Megan and Maisie working away, and Liam cutting the lawn. I packed Micah in the buggy and went off for a trek up very steep hills and then along the canal. Strangers smiled at me, the birds sang, I saw hills and horses and walked and walked. A friend had sent me an encouraging video to watch, so on the way back I listened to that. Micah slept for the entire hour and a half. And it was exactly what I needed. To come home with fresh eyes and tired legs and to feel like my body and soul had been energised.

Obviously just because I felt better doesn’t mean I came back to complete tranquility, but snacks helped, and a bit of cake decorating therapy for Toby.

This morning when it was all overwhelming and I felt like I couldn’t do everything expected of me, an early Bible story came to mind. Back in Exodus, Moses sees the burning bush and has a chat with God. God has seen His people suffering, and is sending Moses to challenge the Pharaoh, and to tell him to free the Israelites. We all know it – ‘Let my people go!’. But Moses can only see his inadequacies and limitations. He doesn’t think he’s the right person for the job. He raises several points on why he probably isn’t the right candidate. He’s got a bad reputation in Egypt, and anyway they might not listen to him or believe him. Oh, and also, he’s not a very eloquent speaker.

But on all these points, God replies, and tells Him that he is the man for the job. Because Moses isn’t doing it alone. God tells him, ‘But I will be with you…I Am Who I Am…Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.’ (Exodus 3:12, 14, 4:12).

On days like today I’m like a much less interesting version of Moses. I haven’t been asked to do amazing feats helping a nation escape a tyrannical leader, and I didn’t encounter miraculous fiery foliage on my walk. I’m just here, being asked to care for my family and keep loving and plodding on, in the ups and downs and through the impact of trauma and grief and hormones and toddler terrorism and the isolations of life. And some days even that feels too much. And I throw out all the reasons why I’m not capable and it’s too hard and I just. can’t. do. it.

But God is the I Am. The One who always has been and always will be, and He promises to be with me. To give me what I need. He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses. He knows my faults and my failings. But He’s given me more than I could have imagined in the gift of my family. And more than that, He gives me His presence and His power to help me care for them. Because He never asked me to do it alone.