I was woken fairly early by the younger children arguing this morning, so I took them downstairs, sat them on the sofa and turned the telly on. I sat down in my armchair, still half asleep, and promptly got sternly told off by Theo. Apparently it’s not my armchair, it’s their machine, and I should not be sitting in it. I didn’t feel ready to face the day like this.

Going ‘back to school’ has not been as smooth as hoped. I think there’s a general sense of the novelty of home schooling having well and truly worn off. The older girls have retreated to working upstairs, which is understandable given the noise levels downstairs! I evicted half of the family from Joe Wicks PE class because we couldn’t hear the teacher any more.

The younger children reacted to my absence yesterday by only wanting Liam today. This was not much fun for him, given the low moods, but meant I could do some of the exciting jobs I hadn’t yet managed to do over the last month. Highlights included sorting the piles of clothes in the bedroom. The low point was banking. We opened a new account just before lockdown, it turns out it’s really easy to get all the bills to pay out of the new account, not so easy to switch over money to be paid into it – largely because of the hours involved waiting to get through to various finance departments which obviously don’t have any staff any more. The world has stopped but some things have to carry on and it all feels a bit harder to manage right now.

And the children seemed to echo that vibe today. There were strops over cookie making. Strops over which shoes to wear. A particularly dramatic strop when I said no we wouldn’t be buying Maddie a horse for her birthday. I’m not backing down on that one.

After a difficult conversation over schoolwork with an older child I ended up having my own meltdown. I just don’t want to be the teacher and the mum. Mum is the one to come to for support and cuddles and reassurance over school stresses, I’m not supposed to the one who is causing the school stress.

But there were moments like this where two small brothers were in giggles rolling over and over and saying ‘another cuddle!’

And the bath never fails to bring joy. Often small bathroom floods too, but happiness nevertheless.

And the older children actually played a game together! They always pick the Game of Life, today Maisie had five children and Toby was a doctor but still living at home. Probably still paying off his student loan, I imagine. Megan likes to live the rich actress life but end the game with no money. Toby ended up winning, so I’m not sure what life lessons they’re learning.

Obviously we did not see a pony today. But sometimes it’s nice to scroll back and see the things we did only a few weeks ago. And hope and dream of when we can get out again.

I feel somewhat incoherent tonight…it’s just been a wobbly sort of day. I’m hearing stories of people affected by the virus and my heart hurts for them. It feels wrong to complain when I have so much to be thankful for. But I’m tired too, as many of us are, of living this different life. I know how important it is, and we’ll plod on, one day at a time.

And tonight I’m grateful for these verses from Psalm 94, for the comfort and the peace and rest there is in a God who loves me.

17 If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
18 When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. – Psalm 94:17-19

In another version, verse 19 is interpreted as this:

“Whenever my busy thoughts were out of control, the soothing comfort of your presence calmed me down and overwhelmed me with delight.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭TPT

I love that. I can hand the cares of my heart, and my busy thoughts over, and rest in the calming and soothing presence of the One who is soothing and steadfast.