I started this morning feeling positive and encouraged, but in all honesty, the days feel hard right now. Today the kids fought or whined for the majority of the day. This morning I really wanted to say to the one who likes to tell tales, that the only thing more annoying than hearing the little ones screaming at each other, is the fact that someone always feels the need to come and tell me. As if I can’t hear it!

After a couple of hours where I basically stood around breaking up fights, offering food, or intervening in dangerous acrobatic feats, I developed a pounding headache. And the mess in the house and the continual ‘mum I want…’ and the thought of this carrying on indefinitely started to get me down.

But even in those moments, there is grace. And paracetamol. And after lunch we sat down, put on a film for the boys, I drank tea and ate cake, and cross stitched HOPE. Liam took two of the kids on a bike ride, and Sleeping Beauty gave me a brief respite. Micah obviously sensed my weariness, because when Theo called ‘I’m done!’ from the toilet, Micah shouted, ‘wees or poos?’ Followed by ‘hold on, I’m coming!’ as he marched off to go and clean his brother up. Needless to say I intervened in that little operation.

Once Liam, Toby and Maddie were back from their bike ride I felt that the rest of the children and I needed to get out, so I ‘encouraged’ them on a walk. However I was met with strong resistance from both the older girls and the younger boys. Theo was particularly unimpressed, he didn’t want to walk down the river or on the street. If we went left he wanted to go right. I persuaded him by stopping at our friend’s house for a social distant chat and for him and his buddy to see each other’s faces. He enjoyed that, but as we carried on informed me that he wanted to be the boss of me, and if he was the boss, he would ‘push me over the side’. Of what, I’m not entirely sure. The pavement? The river? The world? I’ve been parenting for nearly 14 years now so I don’t take the insults personally, but some days the continual abuse can be wearing!

And yet, despite the initial ‘what’s that yucky pizza?’ when they saw my homemade effort, they wolfed it all down, and for the first time today settled down to playing nicely. Micah had us laughing with his rendition of a song in which the chorus is ‘rejoice’, except he was singing very loudly, in his very gruff voice, ‘Rachel’, whilst playing air guitar.

There were even spontaneous signs of affection from these two. And they all went to bed relatively happily, which is always a blessing.

Once the younger three are in bed the older ones spring to life. It was gone 10pm and the older girls were still sitting either side of me and wanting to play and mess around, and it’s a struggle to muster up the energy. But the song Micah was singing is stuck in my head tonight:

‘Painter of skies, maker of stars
Holder of seas and all our hearts
Artist of life, father of lights
When I’m with you my soul ignites
You see my sin but love me the same
Breathe on my hurt and raise me again
Up from the ash, up from the dust
You’re recreating us

I will not waste this day you’ve made
I will be glad

Rejoice, rejoice
In the sunshine, in the sorrow
Oh, my soul rejoice

How can it be, you know my name
Tamer of storms who calms the waves
How can it be, I can’t explain
Why you carry me and all my shame
You take my sin and all of the mess
As far as the east is from the west
Everything changed, I stand amazed
My every breath is grace

I will not waste this day you’ve made
I will be glad…’ (Rend Collective, Life is Beautiful)

Those lines, ‘my every breath is grace, I will not waste this day you’ve made’, have stuck with me all evening. As we hear more stories of families losing loved ones in these very difficult times, I am aware that our every breath is a gift. And whilst it is undeniably challenging spending these days unrelentingly being demanded, with no respite, I don’t want to waste the time we’re given. It sometimes takes all of my energy and internal praying for strength to keep loving and keep giving out, and often I don’t do it as well or as graciously as I could, but the days end and I’m tired but thankful. That we had today. That we have each other. Tomorrow isn’t promised, and I don’t want to waste the time we’re given. So tomorrow, God willing, we’ll start again, there’ll be more grace, more hope, and more opportunities to show patience. I pray I use my every breath I’m given wisely and to show love.