March 7th 2017. A little over a year since M and T came into our lives, we finally heard the Panel Chair tell us ‘we are in unanimous agreement that this is the right match.’ Precious words, a special day. We got to hear their social worker tell the panel that, as time went by, it seemed that these two little ones just naturally became part of our family. For all the times people reminded me that it was pretty much a done deal, panel is just a formality at this stage, it would take something huge to take them away, and every other reassurance, at the end of the day, panel was still a big deal, and the relief of knowing they are ours was indescribable.

And panel came in the middle of a month of big deals. It’s definitely a hectic time! Baby is one month old tomorrow, and how that has flown. In between panel, house move preparations, Liam having an interview and getting a new job, hospital appointments, music exams, opening the house for viewings, we really haven’t stopped. And yet I’m aware of trying to hold onto each precious moment. I don’t want to find that I missed his first month because I was so preoccupied with everything else going on around, and the rollercoaster of emotions that I ride each day. That I didn’t take notice of T’s growing strength and mobility and hilarious personality (hard to miss, actually, as he has rapidly become a one boy moving destroyer over the last two weeks). That I didn’t notice how M stood next to a little friend, within touching distance, and didn’t have a panic attack. That she willingly strokes her baby brother and is excited when he’s awake. That I didn’t admire Toby’s cartoon book he made, or encourage Megan with the way she cares for the little ones, or spend time listening to Maisie’s chatter.

I feel like every day I have a choice. To wake up after a fairly sleepless night, to stress about getting the kids ready on time, about the list of things I need to do, and to panic about how it’s never going to happen. Or to wake up and remember I only get today once. And there will be strength for today, and joy in today.

Yes, I’ve shouted at the kids to get ready. I’ve nearly lost the plot with being messed around by social services. I’ve cried because I can’t tell Dan that M and T are officially his niece and nephew. Liam and I have sat staring at the telly in sleep deprived blurry eyed co-existence. I’ve online impulse shopped during the 2am feed. I’ve wondered how dinner will get made with a combination of fighting siblings, whiney toddlers, and a grizzly baby. I’ve freaked out at the state of the house and the irritations of estate agents booking several viewings at teatime, and visited McDonald’s too many times trying to get everyone out of the house before the unsuspecting potential buyers enter our madhouse.

And I’ve opened the door to friends bringing dinners, returning my ironing, to the postman delivering flowers. To my mum, sisters, mother in law, sisters in law, niece, friends, who’ve come to help look after the children whilst I’ve gone to meetings, hospital appointments and weddings. I’ve read text messages with offers of help, words of encouragement, and promises of prayer. I’ve seen the children hug and laugh and cuddle and play. I’ve been overwhelmingly grateful for Liam who I get to do this mad life with.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I only get to enjoy those precious moments in each day this once.

Family photo shoot credit to LJM Photography.